Every Friday night, I vow I will not hook up with him.
I don’t want to hook up with him. I never cum. Because I don’t let him touch me. Because he doesn’t make me feel safe because he’s aggressive in a nonconsensual way. I also don’t want to enjoy it. Because then I will begin to actually like him. And I can’t like him because he doesn’t like me. And he’s too similar to my ex anyway.
Regardless, once the weekend rolls around and I’ve had enough drinks, I am all over him. And then I wake up naked and alone, feeling stupid.
We’re supposed to be just friends! I made a whole stink about it before…we had serious conversations about it. We sat down across from each other, twice, to discuss my negative feelings about unknowingly being in a FWB situation.
“I don’t want to just hook up with you,” I stated.
“I don’t want a relationship,” he countered.
And who is the only one that is compromising their wants?? This fucking idiot.
I’m unsure why I am compromising my wants. It’s not benefitting me, it’s only hurting me. Am I compromising my wants because I don’t know how else to be his friend? Is it because I still like him? Or maybe if he’s hooking up with me, he is unable to hook up with other people that particular night so…that goes back to me still liking him.
Considering all the times he’s disregarded my bodily autonomy in pursuit of his sexual pleasure, I should not like him. And I don’t…but I do. I also hate him.
Evidently, I’m not sure what I want or how I feel because the only way in which our relationship has changed is that I’m not hooking up with him everyday. I don’t feel as though we’re more like “friends” now…which was what I wanted.
I’ve invited him to do things with me and he’s bailed most times, and he doesn’t make an effort to hang out with me beyond drinks on weekends so…I don’t know. I don’t think being his “friend” is working out..and I am doubtful that it will ever work out. I don’t trust him…and I keep hooking up with him instead of actually bonding with him to improve our relationship. It sucks.
Honestly, the only reason I’m talking to him after last semester is because of my best friend. If he wasn’t friends with one of my best friends, I would just cut him out, but I think doing so would affect how I feel about my relationship with my best friend. I’m also scared to deal with the emotional and psychological consequences of cutting him out, although I think it’d be worth it in the long-run.
So…my other option is to try to just coexist with him, instead of actively being his friend. This is more appealing to me right now because it’s less scary than cutting him out, but I don’t know how to reduce my friendship with this guy to simply “coexisting.” He always texts me…do I start ignoring him or do I reply way less frequently? Should I talk about this situation with him? Do I want to propose being FWB, despite all the negatives of having sex with him?
Hopefully, I’ll figure this out soon.