Speaking My Mind

Calming Down

I had my first panic attack and it terrified me.

My mom dropped me off at school…I started crying and she hugged me for a long time to calm me down.  I was fine until I got up into my room.  Then I started sobbing uncontrollably, shaking, sweating, and I started puking.  I don’t think I’ve ever made myself physically sick before, and it was scary.

I called everyone I knew but no one answered except for my one friend.  She talked me out of my fit so I at least stopped crying so much.  She said to text her later so she knows that I’m okay.

I feel spent right now though…my eyes are still watering but I’m generally calm now.  I looked up ways to calm down from a panic attack and I’m listening to relaxing music now.

What’s really helped me calm down though is getting a handle on my schoolwork.  I have been trying to be up to date with everything, or even ahead of syllabus, but I have two papers due this week and midterms are coming up and although I have a study schedule I still feel overwhelmed and scared.  I’m also really homesick.

My sister spent the night with me and then we met up with my dad and went to my school’s football game.  I don’t particularly like football nor do I like going to the games because it’s really cold and I’m scared of huge crowds of primarily drunk men..but I went and it was fun spending it with my sister and dad.  I have a cold though (I don’t think it’s allergies anymore) so when my throat started really hurting, we left.  That was during the third quarter.

I went home with my sister and dad last minute so it was nice sleeping in my own bed for a night.  But I wish I got to stay home longer.

I’m wondering if maybe commuting to school would be better but this school is kinda far to commute to everyday…at least it’s far for me to drive because I don’t usually drive long distances.  My friend that answered the phone said that I can just go home on the weekends…I have been doing that kinda…I don’t know maybe I’ll try to go home more.  I’ve only been home twice and I’ve been at school for over a month.

I also think it will help if I go to a therapist again…I was seeing one before I came to school but now that I’m here I haven’t seen anyone.  There’s a first-year group therapy thing but I don’t know when the sessions start.  I like that idea though because then I’ll be with other first-years that are struggling and it’ll be nice to relate to someone rather than just talking to one person.

Tomorrow there’s this thing called “Breathing Room,” it’s hosted by the LGBTQ Center on campus and it’s kind of like a group therapy thing except there’s also a discussion topic.  I’m going to go to that tomorrow because when I went the people were very nice and friendly.  I regretted not going to it last Monday.

Anyway I’m going to go back to work now, hope everyone is doing well


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