Speaking My Mind

Crashing and Burning

I’m so fucked.  So, so incredibly fucked.

It was Sunday night.  I made the boss I have huge crush on a mix CD after we had talked at work about bands that we liked…then I texted her asking if she was going to be at work on Tuesday morning because I was planning on going to my job to eat with a friend, and I wanted to give my boss the album.

Ever since that night I texted her, we have been talking…non-stop.  Like…long messages.  

I have been really giddy about it because I like her a lot, but…now…I’m feeling…not so thrilled about it.  I’m actually rather pessimistic and I’m dreading work on Saturday.  Aside from the obvious complication that she is my boss, I suspect she is interested in another coworker…which is still a complicated situation for her but…I would rather not be involved in these complicated situations.

Now I’m stressing out because I don’t want to go to work on Saturday and have all these hopes and expectations and then…she’ll disappoint me somehow…or I’ll disappoint myself and then I will be heartbroken.

The fucked up thing is that it seems like she wants to talk to me.  She initiated the three-day long text message extravaganza AND she keeps asking me questions.  It seems like she wants to talk to me.   Even after I talked about the large woman that reeks of urine and has really crooked, bad teeth…well she still wants to talk to me.  She thinks I’m funny and not odd.  She has been telling me about herself….we’ve been connecting…we have things in common!

I have no idea what to make of this all.  Is she just being friendly?  Is this just bonding?

Because on Saturday, when we sat down and talked and then had to stop talking because a customer came in, my boss said something like “aw man that guy is ruining our bonding session.  we never get to bond.”

Needless to say, I am extremely weirded out and confused and emotionally vulnerable.  I want to stop talking to her because I’m getting uncomfortable with…I don’t know where this is going.  If it’s even going anywhere.  Maybe I’m the only one that is feeling this energy.  And if she feels it too, well I’m still fucked because she’s my goddam boss.  She’s one of the three bosses that I have.

This morning I was extremely giddy about our chats…I was reading the old texts we sent to each other over and over again, which is something I do when I’m interested in someone.  I keep checking my phone to see if she has texted and…this isn’t good.  When I asked Santa to bring me love I did not mean for it to be in the form of someone that ultimately has the power to fire me.

In the afternoon, during econ class, I have been reanalyzing everything that she has done for me.  I never thought much of her actions before but now…did it mean something when she paid for my family’s and my meal?  Is it a sign that she likes me when she checked out my register for me?  When she said that thing to that guy about me…does that mean anything?  Does she like me?

This is so fucked up.

I texted my friend tonight because I decided I didn’t want to go to my job for lunch tomorrow because then I can’t discuss the latest events in my life.  But in order to discuss the latest events in my life I would have to come out to her as “I’m not completely straight” and I honestly have no idea how she will take that.  I know that her older brother is gay but…I’m not sure if she…how she feels about that.  I believe that they’re cordial but maybe she secretly is…forget it.  I will remain optimistic.  Since I am pessimistic about everything else right now.  I need a balance.

After I spammed my friend with texts about me freaking out she surprised me by calling me and then I told her I would just talk to her tomorrow.  So basically…I have no choice but to come out tomorrow to her.  And then tell her I have the hots for my boss.  It’s gonna be fucking fantastic.

My friend Pat suggested that I simply mention the “girl” part casually…like in conversation.  Instead of being like “oh by the way I like girls *insert the story of self-acceptance here* and I have a huge crush on my boss, who is a she…” I should just say “so I have been totally crushing on my boss for the past few months and as of Sunday we have been talking nonstop.  She keeps asking me questions and she’s so cute but…”

My friend will probably ask about the pronoun but…Pat thinks that it may be easier for me to not make a big deal out of it.  To not like…come out and explain myself.  I hate that I have to…discuss that I like girls.  Ever since I have come to accept myself I have found it irritating that everyone assumes that everyone is straight.  If you’re not straight…well there is going to be a little discussion about you not being straight.  It’s…I have no words!  *throws hands up in the air in exasperated manner*

The best part of this whole…infatuation with my boss is that my horoscope in Seventeen magazine said that I am currently flirting with two hotties (which I am, my former best friend who is straight and my boss) and that one of them is definitely compatible with me.  On the 26th I’m supposed to know who the person for me is…well at least that’s something to look forward to.

My friend Nick said that I can quit my job, but I can’t change someone’s sexual orientation.  Which is a valid point but I don’t want to quit my job and I am not sure if I really want to date someone…regardless of how I feel about being involved in a romantic relationship at the moment, I am unable to stop myself from crushing on someone.  Or in my case, someones.

Well, please wish me luck tomorrow when I talk to my friend…I will most definitely need it.

Good night, WordPress.  Thanks for listening to my woes xx

One Comment

  • Lana

    I would suggest not telling your Boss about how you feel for her or you coming out to her. Its work and it should stay that way. The last thing you want to have is a sexual harassment on your ass lol.

    Maybe your Boss is just being overly nice. I would wait for her to come onto you LOL. If she does not then you know its just a friendship and to leave it as such.

    Same goes for your friend if she likes you let her come onto you. The worst thing you can do is crush on someone who is straight have them not feel the same way and then your friendship is ruined.

    I wish you luck.

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