My favorite professor in my department was talking about discernment yesterday during class. She said that crying is part of that process because crying is literally washing the eyes so you can see clearer. It’s also a bridge to your subconscious, which enables you to discern “what feels right to you,” as Audre Lorde says.
I’ve been crying a lot but I’ve been primarily dismissive of myself when I do cry by thinking that I need to get over it and that I need to get it together…I want to discern what feels right to me without doing the work for it.
I’m going to try to zen out a little bit every day now to attempt to get in touch with a deeper part of myself that I have been ignoring. Journaling has been helpful but I think I need to do it more frequently…I put that off too. The only thing I make time for right now is yoga, which is awesome but I’m still following a video or some instruction rather than listening to what my body wants and needs and doing a practice based off of that. I feel like doing a silent practice would be more beneficial to get in touch with myself, but I don’t feel equipped to do that yet because I’m simply a novice yogi. Perhaps I will just immerse myself into it though…how else will I get to that point?
I’ve been cooking a bit too. This is a silent process for me and although I do follow recipes, I also make them my own as I go. I think this is the closest thing I do to practicing something in silence and paying attention to how I feel.
It’s time-consuming to do this though…I’m impatient. I feel like I don’t have the luxury of time to eventually discern what feels right to me. However, the pressure that I’m imposing on myself though is harming me more than helping me.
I had a nightmare about my thesis last night. I’ve been fighting off a cold sore too, the prescription I got helped tremendously. I’ve been crying a lot about life after university…I’m putting so much pressure on myself and being so mean to myself too. Part of the problem is I make unrealistic schedules for myself so I set myself up for failure, and when I can’t accomplish all that I wanted to, I’m upset about it. I need to change this.
So…okay…I’m going to take a step back and stop worrying about time. I’m also going to do little tasks every day that would accomplish bigger goals I have. I’m also going to set aside time to breathe because it’s unrealistic to expect myself to do tasks until 11pm every night, without any breaks.
Anywho…I’m not going to be going out to the bars this Halloweekend because I have two exams next week and I met with my main advisor for my thesis and she said I have a ton of work to do before it’s read by my second reader. I will figure out a way to break up these assignments into smaller, more manageable chunks. I’ll let you know how it goes…I will also do a food blog soon. Yesterday was the last day the farmer’s market was on campus but it’s been awesome because I’ve been using ingredients from there to cook. I’ve been trying new recipes and working with vegetables I haven’t used or eaten before.