Speaking My Mind

First Date??

I’m a little nervous for tonight.

Tonight I have a very casual, informal date. It’s not really a date..I’m not sure what it is. It’s with a woman though.

She’s friends with a good friend of mine from my first year. Apparently they’ve been friends since at least high school! So through my friend, I met this girl. We ate dinner and chatted in a small group. I found out she was bi. After that time, I frequently saw her around campus but I wasn’t sure if she remembered me and I didn’t remember her name so I never waved or said hello or anything.

At a basement party last Friday, I saw her dancing with friends. I ran upstairs to my friend to ask if she was available and my friend was like “yeah, go for it girl!”

So then I drank more alcohol, blew my nose because I’m still recovering from the second cold Tatiana’s given me in less than two months, and went right up to her. My pickup line was “I’m Victoria.” It won her right over.

So we danced and chatted a bit. Then we kissed a little. She wasn’t the greatest kisser but she’s super nice and as Tatiana said, you can teach someone how to kiss but you can’t teach someone how to be kind.

I got her number and then we ended up separating at some point and then I just left. Then we coincidently ran into each other on the bus home. She walked me to my dorm and came inside to talk for a bit.

I like her, she gives me good energy/vibes. And it’s nice that we have a friend in common. I also like how I don’t regularly hang out with our mutual friend, so if something happened between me and this girl, I wouldn’t be in the situation I am in now with Tatiana and her shitty best friend.

I guess the situation with Tatiana and her shitty best friend isn’t even a situation anymore since I’m not talking to her shitty best friend anymore so..whatever.

Anyway…me and this girl were supposed to get hangover breakfast together after the party but then it got moved to hangover lunch and then it got postponed to another time because we were both exhausted and severely hungover and I was also going home for Easter.

She messaged me on Monday, asking me to eat dinner with her that night. I was so excited because she was making an effort and initiating things…she feels different from the guy already like the guy initiated things but he only wanted to hang out in my room and no matter how many times I asked, he never agreed to eat dinner with me. Meanwhile, this girl does, and it’s refreshing.

I couldn’t eat with her on Monday so we’re going to eat dinner tonight in the dining hall. So it’s going to be super casual, which is nice. But I’m nervous because I don’t know what to expect. Is she looking at this simply as a friendship or is she interested in more and wants to find out? Does “more” only mean a FWB or would she want a relationship? Will I like her like that?

I don’t know what to expect! It’s different than anything I’ve experienced before because with my ex, I was familiar with her for several months and before we even hung out for the first time alone, we were texting daily for a week or so, so she wasn’t such a stranger. I also knew right off the bat that she was interested in me. With the guy, we were also texting daily so when we started to hang out alone, I also had an idea of who he was. I thought he was interested in me romantically, so I thought I had an idea of what was happening between us. But I haven’t done the whole “pre-hangout texting” thing with this girl so..I’m really starting from square one with her. Which is super exciting but it’s also a little nerve-wracking. Or a lot nerve-wracking.

I don’t want to get too ahead of myself, but many of my fears stem from my past romantic relationships. This tends to happen when I’m feeling love in the air..I begin to have nightmares about former lovers and I stress about what went wrong with those relationships. I’ve also learned that I have weird feelings toward bisexual women.

You may be thinking “woah, Victoria, aren’t you bi?! You’ve been with women and men!!”

Well no, I am not bi. I think the gender binary is stupid, altho I conform to it because I’m a cis woman who is quite feminine but regardless, I think it’s stupid. And I believe I can fall in love with anyone, regardless of their gender. Which means that I’m including genderqueer or non-conforming people. Therefore, I identify as queer. This doesn’t make me less hypocritical but…I think I’ll explain my experiences that’s caused me some weird feelings towards bi woman in a separate post.

Anywho…although this girl is bi, she’s been in a relationship with someone that I believe identified as a woman at the time they dated. So..I’m a little less nervous about her being bi.

I hope tonight’s little dinner goes well. I also hope it is a little romantic.

Wish me luck!

xo Vic


Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: