I need to work on my confidence. Since my senior year began, it has become more apparent that this is a quality I need to improve. I undermine my capabilities and knowledge, which incites others to do the same. It also leads to me having weak job candidacy and poor interviews.
I feel like my job, which I love, has been contributing significantly to my mood lately cuz it’s been very stressful. We have a new staff and I feel like one new girl is undermining what I’m doing and I’ve been doing this for three years..but yeah it’s hard to rise above things. I feel like I haven’t had to do that in a professional setting before. It’s good practice cuz when it’s my career job, it’s more intense.
But yeah…I’ve been feeling indigo and hard on myself. People have been weird with me too and it’s been affecting my productivity, which is intolerable. I don’t have that kind of time to waste, I’m very busy so I must write it out when things come up so I can release my feelings and move on with my day.
After talking and venting to my girlfriend for a couple of hours yesterday, and then after calling my dad this morning, I feel better. I have support and good advice from people that care about me in my life.
My cousin is coming to visit on Saturday, I’m super excited about it! I’m glad she seems interested in spending time with me and my sister and connecting with us. We’re all here to support each other so I’m glad she’s taking the initiative to actually see us.
I wonder if I should tell her about my girlfriend or if it’ll come up? My relationship is pretty serious and since I’m graduating in May, we’ve been discussing how our relationship would evolve and right now, we plan to continue seeing each other. There are a lot of variables in relationships due to events in life but…I could see her becoming my life-partner. Even if that doesn’t happen though, is there a suggested time when to tell your extended family? I don’t know how my parents would feel about that…not that it matters but…I suspect that if my relationship with a woman is that serious that I’d want to tell my extended family, they wouldn’t be particularly delighted. The other day my dad referred to my girlfriend as my friend on the phone, but that’s their own process I suppose I have to just…allow them to go through. Hopefully they’d be accepting and supportive if I have a woman for a life-partner.
It makes me nervous though…thinking about all the challenges that I would have to overcome to get to that point. I don’t know…I’m honeslty kind of nervous to see some of my family because some of them have been suspecting (I’m sure) since I post photos with her. The photos aren’t of us kissing because we don’t take those types of photos to begin with but we do different activities together and a lot of the photos I have are of us doing those activities. I don’t know. I’m nervous.
I also feel like part of this nervousness is related to my research for my thesis which is about job discrimination for bisexuals. I don’t identify as bisexual but I’m not heterosexual, so I would most definitely be discriminated against. It’s…scary because that will become a reality really soon.
I’m hoping I go back to school for my master’s, although deep down I’d rather do a PhD…but I don’t want to leave home to pursue that. I mean I guess it would be cool to move out of state but I don’t think that is that desirable for me.
That also incites me to think about my girlfriend’s and I’s volatile career paths…that if we both return to school, it’s likely we may travel to do so. In that case, our relationship would probably come to close…which isn’t bad but I don’t know…I wouldn’t like that to be a reason for the demise of our relationship, although it is a completely valid one. But she is so wonderful and she makes me feel things I’ve never felt before and…she’s a really fabulous girlfriend. So caring, respectful, considerate…she values and supports me so much…she’s the best partner I’ve ever had. I believe she feels the same about me too…we click really well. It’s more of a gut-feeling connection so it’s difficult to describe, but I’d imagine it feels like finding your soulmate. Is she mine? Do I only have one soulmate? Is she a soulmate for only this part of my life? If so, is she not a soulmate then?
I think doing research has made me so analytical that I sometimes can’t simply enjoy the moment. She’s lying in bed with me doing some homework…I should focus on that and enjoy the moment. Perhaps write a little more for my thesis too.
(Title is a quote from Heathers, which we are also currently watching)