Speaking My Mind

Full Circle?

My best friend at college, Tatiana,* is amazing.  She understands that I don’t want to hang out with the guy I mentioned in my previous post. He usually texts me but he’s stopped because he’s fucking other women, which proves he was only talking to me because I was willing to hook up with him. We were never friends, and we’re not friends now.

Anywho, she understands how I feel about him, and she knows how I want to connect more with her boyfriend because he’s super cool, so she brought us all together to go out to eat dinner and then party.  I had so much fun, I got super drunk.  We all took our shirts off and we were dancing on each other and it was just a ton of fun.  I ended up going home with them because I was too drunk to navigate my way back home.  Tatiana passed out and her boyfriend and I talked about the guy that they’re both best friends with and that has only made me feel like garbage, because he wanted to know what was going on.  It was a great conversation, despite both of us being super drunk.  Having that conversation caused me to want to do some snooping on my ex.  My drunken logic was if she could treat me poorly and find love, then there is hope for me too, although it’s taking a hella long time for someone to come around.

The next day, Tatiana came home with me for spring break.  She only spent Friday night at my house before flying back home to California.  We went out to eat dinner because she’s vegetarian and I didn’t tell my mom, so my mom was ill prepared to feed her.  My old job has very good black bean burgers, so we went there.  I hadn’t been there in about eight months or so.  The last time I worked there, only two people from the “original squad” were still working there, so I didn’t think I would see anyone I knew.  Well, I was mistaken because the first person I saw when my friend and I strolled in was my ex. She was taking orders at the register.

All I saw was the top of her forehead because she’s short and is barely visible above the register.  But I know her forehead well, although it’s been nearly two years since I’ve seen it…

When I saw her, I started shaking and debated whether to leave or not.  I decided to stay because it’s been a long time and I kinda wanted to see her.  The last conversation we had was about her driving down to my university to talk, but she never showed up and she stopped replying to my messages.

The second she finished taking the order of the person in front of us, she bolted though.  I’m not sure if it’s because she saw me or heard me…I don’t know if she even knew I was there.  Or maybe she went to work in the back because she was needed..I have no idea.  But I didn’t see her for the rest of the time I was there, unfortunately.  I saw two of my old coworkers though, which was awesome.  I wish I got the opportunity to talk to them though.

It’s just kind of interesting…if she bolted because she saw me, was it because she felt guilty, bad, or weird around me?

I also thought it was funny because I was wearing the exact same outfit I used to wear all the time when I was dating my ex: an old pair of jeans, my lucky purple tie-dye Tinker Bell tshirt that I had lent her, my University sweatshirt, and the oldest pair of Docs I own.  I literally wore that exact ensemble all the time my senior year..and here I was at my old job, seeing my ex, who had gotten moved to work at a different store when we were together, but I guess she got moved back.

In my experience, whenever I’m trying to end a relationship, someone from my past pops up.  It happened when I broke up with my ex the first time…the first person I liked contacted me the same day I ended things with her.  We hadn’t talked in almost two years, and we had only flirted for about three months, so I wasn’t a significant person in his life.  Nevertheless, he contacted me and we talked for several months.  He helped me through the breakup just by giving me advice..and it was nice.  Eventually, he stopped messaging me and I haven’t heard from him since.  But it was nice while it lasted, and a little poetic in my opinion.

I was wondering if maybe my ex would contact me..maybe seeing her is a sign that I am doing the right thing by staying away from this guy that used me.  Or maybe it means nothing…but I like “signs” and all that stuff, so I’m going to take the experience that night, at my old job, as a sign.

The thing is, I don’t want to compltely burn bridges with this guy.  He’s best friends with Tatiana, her boyfriend, and some other people I like…and now his good friend from home is dating my best friend from home.  I want to be able to tolerate being around him, because it’s inevitable I’ll be around him if I stay friends with these people…but I no longer have an interest in being his friend.  It was a goal of mine at one point, but he was always canceling on me or bailing, and he didn’t make much of an effort to be my friend.  His focus is on finding someone to fuck, and now that I am no longer interested, he isn’t interested in me.  Which is fine, I don’t want to waste my time on him anymore.

I made a new friend though!  I’m hoping to connect with her more and maybe make another new friend.  I want to have more friends outside of the social circle that this guy is in, so I am working on that.

Anyway, the weather has been warm lately, and it’s wonderful.  Perfect for spring break, although I won’t be enjoying the weather much since I will be commuting to my university everday because I have another externship.  I’m working for a political office on campus, it should be interesting, but it’s not going to be a relaxing spring break.  I will also be sick for most of it, thanks to Tatiana and her boyfriend.  Oh, well.

I hope y’all have nice weather too!

xo Vic

*name has been changed

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