This week was awesome. This weekend was especially awesome.
The previous week my girlfriend and I had barely seen each other. Then this week we saw each other a few times and we spent most of the weekend together, which was awesome.
She got her Grandmother Willow tattoo and I told her that I had been feeling kinda neglected…and/or unwanted lately because I felt like I am always reaching out to her and if I didn’t ask to hang out/talk on the phone, she wouldn’t ask either. She promised to fix this and assured me that she did not mean to make me feel this way intentionally, she just didn’t want to bother me all the time and assumed that I couldn’t hang out most of the time. She promised to start asking instead of assuming.
She asked me to see her after I got off of school, during her break. I happily stopped by and we went to Starbucks and chatted for about an hour. Then we FaceTimed that night.
I stopped by her house during lunch and we cuddled and chatted with her sister. Her sister was planning on visiting a girl she has been talking to from a dating site that night. It was nonstop rain that day and she has never driven into the city, let alone at night. She set up a group chat to let me and her closest friends and her sister know about her whereabouts and well-being etc. Thankfully she returned home safe and had a fun time watching the Rangers win with her girl.
I told my parents that I was having a “Girls’ Only Pool Night” when in reality, my girlfriend and I went on our second date as girlfriends. It was magical.
First I picked her up at work because she parked her car there, and then we had dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. She had some pasta dish, something that was similar to baked ziti. I opted for the fish tacos, which was a terrible idea for more than one reason.
1. Hello, fish breath
2. Beans. Aside from beans being an obvious problem as they are, she also hates beans.
3. Tacos are messy. Except because the tacos were so large, I ate them with a fork and a knife like the classy girl that I am.
When I told my friends that I had fish tacos they boo-ed me, rightfully so too. But at the time all I was thinking about was how I really wanted tacos and how the fish tacos were supposedly good, and if my girlfriend wanted to be with me she would just have to deal with whatever funky concoctions I eat because food comes before everything else in my life. If I had horrible breath or anything, I guess she didn’t mind too much because we kissed a lot later that night…but anyway…I shall get myself some gum.
After we ate, I drove back to her car so she could get us lost looking for a park that she used to go to. We ended up chatting and I talked about the Gilded Age for a bit because AP US History pops up in my mind sometimes but is useful for providing fun facts and conversation starters. My girlfriend seemed interested…or at least acted interested lol no, I think she was genuinely interested in what I was saying as we drove endlessly in unknown neighborhoods. I have no idea how she didn’t jump out of the car, between the tacos and the lack of gum and the Gilded Age lecture…I am just pushing my luck I think lol
When we finally got un-lost and was back in town, she parked in a parking lot and we just walked around town. It was dark at that point. It was really nice, we held hands and stopped to kiss…I’ve been noticing that my hands have generally been less clammy around her. I generally avoid holding or even touching her hands because they tend to be sweaty, especially around her because when I get nervous or anxious, my hands clam up. But lately they’ve been better, I suppose because I’m more comfortable around her now, so I held her hand that night. It was really nice. I love holding her hand, she has lovely hands.
We had walked down a backstreet already and she wanted to keep walking and walk on the main drag, but the idea of walking there made me nervous because I am always scared of being seen by someone I know or even worse, my parents, when I am with my girlfriend not because I am ashamed of my sexuality or of my girlfriend, but because I’m afraid that someone in my family will find out that I am still dating her, let alone talking to her.
So then we went back to her car and we kissed for a bit. She stood on the curb to be the same height as me, it was really cute. Then our little makeout session became like the ending of Pretty in Pink and every other romantic movie because it started raining. But then it started pouring and it got really cold and then I asked if we could go to her house.
We basically just kissed at her house until I had to go home. At that point she drove me to my car, which was in the parking lot.
Overall, I had a very fun “Girls’ Only Pool Night”.
Friday into Saturday Morning:
I had work until 9. After work I showered and my best friend, who was with her boyfriend, picked me up to drive me to my girlfriend’s house for our much anticipated sleepover.
Prior to Friday, my girlfriend and I discussed the idea of having a sleepover. Obviously it would have to be at her house because my parents don’t even know that I talk to her anymore. So…I was all for the idea until Friday afternoon.
I was with my friend, Steph, buying balloons for a promposal I was planning on doing to my friend, who shares the same name as my girlfriend, when I started having second thoughts. I mean..no, I was having second thoughts about having a sleepover all afternoon but…I was only able to share them when I was buying balloons after school.
I had second thoughts not because I was suddenly scared to spend the night with my girlfriend or because…my second thoughts had NOTHING to do with my girlfriend. I was having second thoughts because of my parents.
I’ve been sneaking around for awhile now and in my opinion, I think it’s one thing to sneak around and a completely different thing to sleep over one’s significant other’s house.
For example, if my parents found out that I was actually with my girlfriend on Thursday night instead of with my friends, that would be bad because I’m not supposed to be associating with her let alone dating her, and it would also be bad because I lied to them.
Even if my parents knew I was dating my girlfriend, I would NEVER be able to ask them to sleep over my girlfriend’s house, so if they found out that I was at her house instead of my best friend’s house because I was going to go to my best friend’s art show in the morning…that’s a whole other type of lie. I would have to lie to my parents about the sleepover whether or not they knew about us, which to me felt like a lie on top of a lie. Or a really really bad lie instead of just a lie. And I was nervous that this really really bad lie was going to kick me in the ass.
But after talking to my friend, Steph, about it, I felt that I should just go. She was like “as long as you feel comfortable around her and you don’t think you’ll get taken advantage of or anything nonconsensual, then you should just go. I would go!” And when she said she would go, I was like “fuck it, I’m going to go. I’m lying already anyway.”
So anyway, my best friend and her boyfriend picked me up (she had told her parents she was driving me home from my job because my car was malfunctioning…she lies for me too) and it was a fun car ride. We made her boyfriend uncomfortable with talking about vibrators haha and when I told her about my second thoughts and my discussion with Steph, she also said that I should just go for it.
When I arrived at her house, I asked my girlfriend’s sister all about her Wednesday night with the girl she met online. She said her girl was going to come visit on Saturday, and that they were going to visit my girlfriend and I at work. I was super excited to meet her, especially since I knew about the girl since my girlfriend’s sister began talking to her. It’s cute and cool seeing how relationships develop.
Afterwards we put on the film Coraline, although my girlfriend and I stopped watching it after the first fifteen minutes or so. It’s funny because we have a HUGE list of movies to watch together but we have never paid too much attention to anything we watch. Except for that one night when we first started talking, which was the first and only time she came to my house, and we watched The Breakfast Club and then Crossroads. I talked through the entirety of Crossroads though, so I don’t know if you can consider that really watching the movie lol
We spend the rest of movie…I’m not sure what we were doing actually. I can’t remember, that night kinda blurred in my mind. We kissed a lot…did we talk? We probably did talk to, or at least I talked. And we cuddled. I think we spent most of the time kissing though lol I love kissing her.
Yeah…that was a really nice sleepover. She let me borrow some basketball shorts and her Breakfast Club tank top with Judd Nelson’s face on it after some stuff happened because I was sweating my balls off.
And then we cuddled and fell asleep in each other’s arms…it was really sweet. I woke up a lot because in my head I was on my usual sleep schedule, which meant that I wake up at 6:30 am. I woke up about every hour after that, which was incredibly annoying because I was kinda tired the next day but on the other hand, I didn’t mind it because I was able to shamelessly stare at my girlfriend for as long as I wanted to. She’s so freaking cute when she sleeps…she takes short breaths in her sleep, which I already knew from hearing her sleep on FaceTime. But because the camera isn’t on her when we FaceTime at night, I can’t see her cute little face. But in person…she looks so peaceful when she sleeps. And she shifted a few times to get closer to me. She even fell asleep on her side once (she always sleeps on her tummy) because we were cuddling that way. She’s so cute though…I know I have already said it a lot but…her forehead was against my cheek and her arms and legs were draped over me and…she’s adorable. Is that better than saying she’s cute??? lol
Eventually she woke up and stayed awake. We (including her sister) then got ready and went out for breakfast. Then they drove me home. I had a great time at my friend’s art show.
I worked Saturday night, alongside my girlfriend. We barely talk at work because she works in the back and I work in the front, and we also have to keep things professional at work.
We thought there was going to be a Teen Night at the church nearby, which would mean that our job was going to be mobbed by 13-year olds. We prepared for them to show up by cleaning a lot and blocking things off, but Teen Night ended up not even being this past Saturday night, so me and some of my other coworkers were able to get off early. I waited around though for my girlfriend to get out of work. I had to wait about half an hour or so…and during that half hour wait, my girlfriend’s sister and her girl showed up. I felt bad because my girlfriend was working so she couldn’t talk to the girl too though. But…I liked the girl. She had a Staten Island accent and she was cute and sweet…her and my girlfriend’s sister reminded me of the way that my girlfriend and I used to be when we first started hanging out/started dating…we still are that way sometimes too haha
I’ll call my girlfriend’s sister Brianna*.
Brianna would ask her girl “what do you want to do?” and then the girl would reply “whatever you want to do” and it basically went on like that. I suggested that they go for a walk because it was a nice night and then maybe go to Brianna’s house to hang out/play video games/watch a movie. After some small talk, they left to go for a walk. Shortly afterwards my girlfriend got off of work and we left, and it was pouring outside.
We went to my girlfriend’s house to see Brianna’s girl, because they probably weren’t walking in the rain. Sure enough, they were there just hanging out.
My girlfriend and I changed out of our smelly work clothes and then we cuddled and kissed and basically repeated our sleepover. It was 11:30 when my mom called me, asking me where I was. I had told her that I was closing that night and that I would be out late, although in reality I got out early at 9:30.
My girlfriend drove me to my car in the parking lot at work and then I drove home and she drove to play pool with her engaged friends to give her sister and her girl some privacy.
My girlfriend has said that her engaged friends call us the new and young version of them…basically meaning that our relationship reminds them of their relationship before they got engaged. My girlfriend and I say that we’re better though because we’re a champion couple haha but her engaged friends have been dating for over four years now and they recently got engaged in January.
I think it’s sweet that they compare us to them…it makes me feel good and…I don’t know…like my girlfriend and I are meant to be. My girlfriend has said that we’re meant to be and it’s a nice thought and a nice feeling…and I feel it too most of the time except when I’m worrying about what will happen when I go to college. But if it’s meant to be, it will be…there’s really no point in stressing about it because I feel like it’s out of my control.
We had this discussion in English class once…if a person can control their own fate. I think one can make certain choices and take various paths, however I think that a person can’t control their own fate. A person can only control their climb, like the Miley Cyrus song. The climb is the most important part.
I would like my girlfriend to climb with me for awhile…although between me going to college and keeping her a secret from my entire family is somewhat exhausting sometimes…I hope she will stay. I really love her, I think we’re good for each other. We get along and we have an honest and open relationship with each other…the only “problem” we’ve had is that I would like more attention sometimes…but other than that, things are great between us. I’ve opened up to her and she still loves me and wants me in her life…I tell her about everything and I wanna go everywhere with her…she’s become my best friend and I hope I’m one of hers too. She opens up to me and…it’s just nice and simple. The best kind of relationships are the ones where the couples are also best friends.
Sometimes I want to explain this all to my parents…but they would probably just laugh in my face or brush everything I said off and call my mentality “naive”.
My sister would repeat what she’s said before…that we’re going in two different directions with our lives and so we’re not good for each other.
But even if what they would say is true or not, I’m just going to go with the flow and continue to do what I think is best for me and what makes me happy.
I had said about a year ago, if not over a year ago, that I wanted to stop writing so much and creating scenarios and instead start living and experiencing life.
I had made a list of how to improve my life/start living and it didn’t include getting involved in a relationship…but now that I am in a relationship, I’ve been feeling things that I had never felt before, nor did I expect to feel ever. And then I think…being with her makes me feel more than alive. Without her, I would still be alive but…I would just be living. Perhaps I wouldn’t be living in the depressing way I was before: just trying to get through the day. But without her I wouldn’t have much to look forward to…except for college and my future I suppose. But college and my career isn’t everything. That stuff provides people with feelings of financial security and purpose but it doesn’t provide people with feelings of being cared for or loved or companionship or anything.
Before I got my job where I met my girlfriend, I wasn’t looking forward to much, I was only looking back. It’s a depressing way to live…but whatever happens in the future though, I promise myself to find something to look forward to, always.
I don’t just mean “I’m looking forward to graduating so I can leave this shithole behind and actually start my life”. I mean, I want something to look forward to everyday. Whether it’s someone or something…it doesn’t matter.
I’m looking forward to tomorrow because I get to see my best friend at school and I can eat the donut I bought after work in the morning and maybe I can FaceTime with my girlfriend that night.
Anyway…I’ll leave it at this for now.
Have a Happy Cinco de Mayo tomorrow!