Speaking My Mind

How to Discover and Redefine Myself

I think deciding that I need to break up with my ex was a really great idea.

First of all, when she told me she wanted to take another break I was like “…are we going to get back together…?  It seems unlikely…” I stopped wearing the bracelet she got me, I changed my background picture to my sister, and I started wondering what my life would be like with out her…like I was mentally preparing.  Sure enough, my preparation was not futile.

There was this subconscious fear that if she left, I would be alone.  If you have been following and reading my posts for awhile, you would know about my complicated past with my parents and how my ex has always been there for me…she was my support system.  And I have feared without her that I would be alone as I navigate through life…alone when things get hard with my parents again.

Well…the morning after I spammed my ex and her sister while intoxicated was a really eye-opening experience for me.  An experience that made me realize that I need to get out of this toxic thing that my ex and I had…and once I accepted that, I realized that I’m not alone.

I live in a dorm so I have an RA, or a Residential Advisor.  I have never talked to her much, but the morning that I woke up hungover and emotionally drained, I ran into her in the bathroom and I asked if I could talk to her later.  When I sat down and talked to her, I cried uncontrollably and spilled out all my guts about school, my family, my ex, my friends, my scholarship, my grades…I cried about EVERYTHING.  I confessed to her that it was hard for me to break up with my ex completely because she’s part of my support group, but I knew deep down that I had no other choice.  I needed to get away for my own sanity although I feared being without her support because I don’t have many people in my life that I feel like I can rely on.  My RA sat there and listened to me, occasionally asking a question or commenting on what I was telling her, and then she said, “Victoria, you’re not alone anymore though.  You have a bunch of girls on this floor that care for you and are willing to be there for you, you have me too.  And you have so much ahead of you.  Now is your time to explore what college has to offer you and what you can make of it.  Now is your time to learn who you are.  But you are not alone.”

She truly made me feel like I was part of something.  Especially because afterwards we talked about other things…she shared her experiences with me and introduced me to some other girls on my floor, who I later went out with to an event.  My RA was exactly what I needed, and I wish I had reached out to her sooner rather than keeping it all in.

Ever since though, I’ve felt much better about being without my ex.  Although I would like to be friends down the road…or at least friendly with each other, right now I think this is good for the both of us that we’re not associating with each other.  Besides, it’s evident that she has a lot to work out in her life and she just needs to…get a better handle on things and mature.  Once she does feel more stable and like she knows who she is and what she wants, I believe that she’ll eventually come around, like a guy I know.

There’s a guy I met online a few years ago and I really liked him but we were mostly friends…one day he just left me…kinda broke my heart a bit, and I was devastated.  But a little over a year later, the first time my ex and I broke up, he came around.  He texted me to apologize for being rude to me and now we chat once in awhile and we’re friends.  It’s nice…I hope my ex and I can have that too because we generally had a good relationship…we broke up because she needs to figure herself out.  One day maybe she’ll miss me and reach out to me…but I can’t be hoping too much for that or waiting…in the meantime I need to figure myself out and explore.  If it’s meant to be, it will be.

Yesterday I looked up more clubs that I can get involved with and that will help me meet new people…I spent the last day entirely with one of my friends so it’s nice because I always have some company.  I need to surround myself with people for now…even if we just sit in silence or are both doing work, but it’s just nice to look over and see someone sitting with you.  Anyway, when the guy left me, I made a list of things to do to empower myself and help me be positive and move on.  That list led me to meeting my ex and having amazing experiences that have truly shaped the person that I am.  Therefore, I shall make a list now to help me move forward after things have dissolved with my ex.

How to Discover and Redefine Myself

  1. Join new clubs and be friendly with the people that are part of them.  Make some connections with them, hang out with them outside of the club.
  2. Try to meet someone new everyday.  Maybe sit with someone I don’t know in the dining hall.
  3. Eat OUTSIDE of my room.  Socialize with people, make connections.
  4. Reach out to my RA every once in awhile.
  5. Sit in the lounge and talk to the girls that usually hang out there.  Get to know them.
  6. Get involved.  Look into applying for externships and research opportunities.  Find out what I’m passionate about by doing those things.
  7. Go to the gym on the weekends…and if I like it, go more regularly.  Physical activity will help reduce stress and make me feel strong and powerful.
  8. Post more on Instagram and Facebook (but avoid looking at my ex’s profiles).  By posting all the positive stuff in my life, when I feel sad I can look back at those posts and see all that I have accomplished, therefore empowering myself.
  9. Explore my sexuality by meeting new people.  Learn who I’m attracted to…have a better understanding of myself.
  10. Write something that I’m grateful for everyday, as well as something positive and inspiring.  Put it on a sticky and carry it with me, and when I feel down, pull it out to remind myself of all the blessings that I have in my life and how I can do anything if I put my mind and heart into it.

That’s all I have so far…and I’m excited to accomplish this list.  I feel like they’re all challenges and I want to win.  I will win!

Anyway, I should do my homework now, I have way too much to do.



“You are a child of the Universe, no less than the trees and stars, you have a right to be here.  And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the Universe is unfolding as it should” -Max Ehrmann

Click here for ways to help you get over an ex.

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