I’m feeling…a little gloomy I guess. For the most part, I’m feeling positive but…there’s a twinge of sadness mixed in there too.
I had an intense and difficult conversation with my girlfriend last night and now I’m thinking about how to…improve some things in my life. Right now, it’s not at the forefront of my mind because there are some awesome things that are happening before I would have to address the things that I spoke about with my girlfriend. For example, tomorrow I’m presenting my thesis at a state conference for Women’s and Gender Studies! So I’m more focused on that right now, but once that and a few other things are over, I’ll have to resume determining how to make things better.
The things I’d like to improve are in regards to the relationship between my girlfriend and my family, which I’ve mentioned several times before. The relationship between them is not hostile, but it’s not exactly warm either…and we’ll be dating for a year in 11 days. Plus I’m moving home in about 30 days so things can’t stay as they are right now because if they do, my mental health will suffer. This is why I’m going to develop a plan with my therapist in about two weeks to help me navigate the tension in a manner that will ultimately serve my well-being.
Ideally, I’d like my family to express an interest in my relationship with my girlfriend, as well as an interest in her. I’d also like to have some opportunities to all hang out together so everyone can get to know each other better. Essentially, I’d like to feel comfortable at home…like I don’t have to hide a part of myself, but right now, although they know about my girlfriend…I don’t feel that way. Granted, things take time and for some reason, my parents were in denial about my sexuality for four years and chose to “forget” but…it’ll be a year since I told them in July I think, and it’s time for there to be some improvements. This will likely entail difficult conversations with them, which I dread but perhaps I need to approach the idea of having difficult conversations differently. If that is a method toward improving my relationship with my parents, then maybe it’d be worth it.
I also need to improve my relationship with my parents between just me and them. I can’t help but feel guilty for the tension between my family and my girlfriend because I don’t feel as though I have the best relationship with my family, to begin with. I feel like there is a lot of unaddressed issues that we’ve all chosen to forget, which I will then be confronting when I move back home.
So…although this all feels very heavy and negative right now, at least I will be able to leave the house daily to immerse myself in my yoga practice for a whole month while I navigate this. I feel like doing the YTT this summer is necessary for me in multiple ways, one of them being that it will be a great antidote to potential negativity at home. For all I know, everything will improve without tons of arguments though.
In the meantime, I want to focus on my energy. I like what Jen Sincero wrote in You Are A Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life about energy vibrations. She writes:
- The Universe is made up of Source Energy.
- All energy vibrates at a certain frequency. Which means you’re vibrating at a certain frequency, and everything you desire, and don’t desire, is also vibrating at a certain frequency.
- Vibration attracts like vibration.
I want to invite positive things into my life so I want my perspective to be positive as well. Obviously, it doesn’t need to be positive all of the time because I’m human but…I want to have a positive perspective overall.
I actually just bought the Kindle version of Sincero’s book as I’m writing this. I want to reread her book because the first time I read it, I was depressed, cruel to myself, and crying daily, however, I’ve grown so much since then. I’m significantly happier, more confident in myself, and…I just feel good. This is partially accredited to my daily yoga practice as well as to my support system, especially my girlfriend. She was actually the one that lent me her copy of the book to read. 🙂
The last thing I want to say is that I found this quote from skimming through the book just now and I want to share it:
“You aren’t a better person for feeling guilty or bad about yourself, just a sadder one” ― Jen Sincero,
I shouldn’t focus on my guilt because it’s not conducive toward achieving the goals I have. How can I get what I want if I’m beating myself up simultaneously?
If anyone wants to read this book with me as I reread it, please let me know! I’d love to have a book buddy 🙂