I’ve been rather depressed since my cousin’s passing. Depressed, scared, and pensive about morbid things.
I’ve been thinking about death…what was it like for my cousin to die? It makes me feel bad to think about that since the accident was so violent…but it also makes me sad to think about how her last feeling may have been fear. It hurts me to think she may have been in pain too, although the doctor said she died upon impact, but who really knows? Maybe they said it for our sake.
I can’t stop thinking about that and..I keep having flashbacks about her or I remember random things about her, it’s so upsetting because they happen randomly. The other day, I glanced at a photo I sent to my sister of me doing a “thumbs up,” and I had a bizarre thought like how her thumbs were so weird because she was double jointed..she said she used to scare her friends when she did a thumbs up. Then I had a dream about her that night. It reminded me that she’s really gone, which feels awful every time I remember.
I wonder…did she ever fall in love? I feel terrible that I don’t know the answer. I never asked, and she never volunteered that information. I hope she got to experience that…but at least she experienced the love from everyone that knew her.
I always wanted to know what she was going to do next..would she become a cop? Make films? What would she look like old? It breaks my heart that I will never be able to find out.
Additionally to the depression that comes with losing a loved one, I’ve also been scared of more things lately, like crossing the street, which is all I do at school.
I drove this weekend and I’m more scared of that too..cars in general I guess. Plus, today, a couple minutes after my sister and I left the parking lot at school, there was an altercation and one person had a machete and the other had a gun and they shot at a car and no one was hurt, but it’s terrifying to think that if my sister and I stayed a couple minutes longer and the bullet hit us or something..
Life feels so incredibly fragile to me right now. I was talking to my therapist (I saw someone last week but it’s not a regular thing at the moment) about how I feel it’s scary to want to live because it feels like such a..precarious thing to want. Especially after all that’s happened recently.
Losing people is so difficult..I think it’s one of the worst parts of living.
I’ve also been contemplating the afterlife and wondering what’s wrong with there being no afterlife? What if the deceased are just dead..? Why is it so important to people that we imagine them dining with God or something?
I feel like it emphasizes how important we find life to be. That we, as humans that live, can’t comfortably think about an alternative to life without imagining people being alive somewhere else, after they’ve died.
Perhaps being dead is similar to how people are before they are born: nonexistent. Unless there’s recycling of souls or something in that realm.
I have so many questions, but mostly I feel sad. I wish my cousin was here.