Speaking My Mind

If You Need To Take A Shit, You Should Shit On Me

The title of this blog post must be written on my forehead because every relationship I’ve been in lately has resulted in me getting shit on.

  • I try to be the best girlfriend I can be…and then I have my heart completely broken because I’m outrageously disrespected.
  • I try to be the best roommate I can be…well fuck me, I’m again outrageously disrespected in the same ways my ex treated me.
  • I try to be the best friend I can be….ha ha ha

Now, you’re probably thinking that maybe I’m just an asshole and that’s why these new relationships have resulted in me getting shit on.  That’s a logical thought, but it’s so incredibly untrue.

I was extremely sad after my ex treated me so poorly before the breakup, during the breakup, and after the breakup.  After have experiencing something so painful, I wanted to experience love again.  Not romantic love, but just like…respectful love.  The kind of love that you have between friends.  There’s trust, respect, generosity…basically everything in a romantic relationship minus the intimacy.  Unless you have a friends-with-benefits situation going on, then you have it all.

In order to experience friendship love, you have to build a friendship.  So that’s what I did…I started spending a lot of time with the friends I was making in school so I could get to know them and connect with them.

I threw movie nights with junk food in my room, we had multiple sleepovers, some of them came home with me…we developed inside jokes, we went out on the town together, we talked all the time, we worked out together, etc etc

In my mind, I thought we were really connecting and becoming good friends.  But then Six Flags (a theme park) happened.

We had just gotten train tickets and were waiting for the train to go to Six Flags when one of my friends mentioned plans for the following weekend.  The other friend I was with had a conflict with the original date of the plan, so then they arranged another time.  And that was it.

I wasn’t invited to this mysterious outing that they were planning.  I wasn’t even aware of it until one of them brought it up, so I asked them where they were going and they told me and…I wasn’t invited.  It’s okay, I wouldn’t have wanted to go anyway…

This may sound like a trivial situation but it really hurt me.

The first thing I thought was that maybe they don’t like me all that much…I spent most of the time at Six Flags feeling self-resentful.  Maybe I try to crack too many jokes so I’m just annoying…maybe I talk too much…maybe I’m too aggressive…but then upon second consideration, they invited me to Six Flags so they must like me.

Then I thought that maybe they just wanted to hang out together, alone.  I still found that kind of rude since I personally wouldn’t only invite one of them and not the other…I would invite both of them because they’re both my friends and I like them equally.  I also would have invited one of our other friends.

Then I was irritated that if they wanted to be jerks and only make a plan for the two of them, then they shouldn’t have been talking about it in front of my face if they weren’t going to invite me.  That’s just rude.

So I’ve been kinda hostile toward them lately because I’m sad that they didn’t consider me to spend time with them before we all go home for the summer and won’t see each other for a few months.  I know I should address the situation instead of being childish by being hostile but despite them bringing it up once in awhile, I’m scared to say something.  I’m scared that I’ll burst into tears or start yelling…I’ve been having a lot of anxiety lately, mostly due to finals but there are other things too, and I don’t want to take my emotions out on them.  Although by being hostile I am taking my emotions out on them…I don’t know.  I just want to be considered in the same way that I consider them when I want to make plans and spend time with them.  I had this problem with my ex too…I addressed the situation eventually but she had to prod to get it out of me.  But when I told her how I was feeling, everything was okay.  I hope I’ll have the opportunity to address the situation again because it’ll make me feel better.

Anyway, a couple days after this friend issue, my roommate became psychotic.

I would talk to her and she wouldn’t even acknowledge me.  She completely ignored me.  She started to come back from presumbably the library at 12:30am or 1am instead of sitting in the room since 3pm.  Finally, one night I got back from the library and all her stuff was gone.  She had moved out and didn’t even tell me.

Except she’s not completely moved out.  She left a pair of rainboots, a couple of clothes on the bottom of her closet, paper, and her posters.  I don’t understand why she didn’t take everything.  Clearly she’s planning on coming back, but I don’t understand why she would want to leave some of her stuff so she would have to come back.  It’s not like she wants to say “goodbye” to me.

I don’t know…all I know is that I tried really hard to introduce her to people and I invited her to spend time with me and my friends.  But whenever we got together she was always on her phone and she never contributed to the conversation.  She’s super shy, but so are me and my friends and we eventually opened up.  She never did though.  And she has BO, so the room would reek and sometimes burn my eyes actually.  And she stayed up until 3am doing work on her laptop with the desk lamp on and pointed toward me as I slept.  She hadn’t changed her sheets since she moved here in January.  All she did was school work and she barely left the room and hadn’t made any other friends aside from the ones that I introduced her to.  She was a little weird.

We were going to room together next year but then destiny came in and forced me to live somewhere else and she decided to stay in the original room we had gotten together.  So I won’t be in the same building with my current friends, nor will I be living with my roommate again.  I think this is a great change because I really want to connect with other people so being alone will be a good for me.  Hopefully I’ll meet kinder people in my new home.

Anyway, I’m tired so I’m going to go to sleep.  I have my first final exam tomorrow, wish me luck!

xx Vic


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