Speaking My Mind

Lukewarm Showers

Today was like a lukewarm shower: it’s hot enough to be comfortable and do what you got to do, but it’s too cold to really enjoy the shower and feel refreshed.

My day actually ended with a lukewarm shower because the showers on my side of the dorm are fucked up again.  

I woke up dreading my first period class because I felt like my essay sucked and sure enough, one of my peers that reviewed it failed me.

I ate lunch with my friend…I actually had breakfast and lunch together which was nice but the conversation we had was kinda depressing.

Then I spent a few hours in my room trying to force myself to do astronomy homework but I couldn’t do it.  Instead I watched YouTube videos and messed around with Instagram and Facebook until I saw someone I follow post a pic with my ex.  Seeing that photo triggered something in me…it wasn’t helping that I was still feeling raw and unsettled from her indifferent email yesterday so…I had a mini breakdown.

God, or whoever is in charge (if someone is in charge), continually puts people in my life at the right time.  Like on Monday when I ran into my RA when I started crying…well today I was texting my friend about going to the polls together to vote and she asked me if I was leaving and I said I was having a mini breakdown but I’ll be ready to go in a few minutes.  My friend came by my room and we shared our shitty breakup stories (she recently broke up with her ex, who also treated her like a steaming hot pile of shit) and it was just nice having that mutual connection of loathing our exes.

Some of my other friends knocked on my door, which was kinda surprising since I feel like I’m usually the one to reach out to them…well they stopped by to ask about the voting thing and upon seeing my red, watery eyes they swooped right in and comforted me.  It made me realize a few things…

  1. If I need a friend, I shouldn’t be afraid to reach out to them even if they’re new friends.  I’ve been so scared to talk to them about anything that isn’t happyhappyjoyjoy because they’re new friends but if they’re real friends, they won’t just leave.
  2. I think I have real friends because they’ve been there for me

So there was a little light at the end of that little tunnel…then I pulled myself together and voted with my friend.  On the way there, we ran into her ex and it was really awkward and awful because he started talking to her and…I felt so bad but she said she was okay.  After we voted we sat outside because it was unseasonably warm and nice outside and she told me about an app called Tinder.  I’ve heard of it before but she told me it’s fun and kind of like a game if you look at it that way so I downloaded it and maybe once in awhile I’ll mess around with the app for fun.  In the meantime I want to focus on myself.

I had a really great conversation and review of my essay with my professor and she really inspired me too which was nice…then I had astronomy, which wasn’t anything special.  There’s a guy that introduced himself to me last week because he’s also in my philosophy class, and now he always says hello to me.  I’m going to try to have a conversation with him again because he seems to be really positive and kind.  Later I had my favorite club and it was really fun.  Too bad my shower wasn’t hot though.

I decided to unfollow people on Instagram that are associated with my ex just because I don’t want to see pictures of her right now but then I decided to kinda delete my Instagram because it was becoming a really toxic environment for me…I made an Instagram because of my ex and although I blocked my ex (I thought I had unblocked her but apparently I didn’t lol) it still like…we followed mutual people so I could still see things she was liking and it was weird I don’t know it wasn’t a good environment anymore.  For now I’ll be sticking to Facebook and this website.  Although I still am friends with people on Facebook that are friends with her, because I have so many friends on Facebook as well as more information, potential pics of my ex are less dominant than on Instagram considering there was less activity in my feed there.

I’m having a hard time accepting what happened with me and my ex though…I believe being apart is the best thing and I have no interest in dating her again but the way she went about breaking up with me…dragging my heart around for two weeks…made it really painful.  Not only that, but I don’t really understand why she wanted to break up…it seemed like something just clicked in her and she went from being madly in love with me to not giving a shit about me and it’s kind of sad for me because it’s like a blow to my ego or…like what did I not do that didn’t make you want to stay?  Whatever happened may not even be about me but it still hurts…especially because there was never a conversation about things it was just like “bye.”

I think I’m going to struggle with this lack of clarity and it’s going to hurt for awhile…some days will be better than others for sure…but as time goes on and I find my way in college, I’ll stop thinking about it so much.  Although I’ve never been in a relationship before, I have experienced this kinda…unknowing of what happened and being forced to deal with it so I know I’ll be alright.

Today I applied for two internships!  I’m already looking for ways to integrate myself into the university more and get passionate about things…doing this will not only help me move on from my ex but it’ll help me in the long run because it’ll look good on my resume and it’ll give me some awesome experience.  Not only that but I’ll be doing an internship I’m passionate about!  I hope I get it, but we shall see.

The last thing I want to mention is that in my emails to my ex I told her that if she ever needs a friend, I’d be there for her.  In theory, that is true because I’m not going to be mad at her forever…eventually what happened will just be a blip in my life of some exlover that treated me like shit but I know I deserve better so I rose above it.  But right now I’m still hurting and I know I’ll be hurting for awhile sadly…so I don’t want her to contact me.  In any way.  I don’t want to see pictures of her, get an email from her (which may happen after I sent her an email telling her how I feel), get a package from her (which will happen since I want my stuff back), or anything…unless she’s in a life and death situation (god forbid) I want to pretend she doesn’t exist.  She doesn’t exist.  So I feel kinda bad for saying I’d be there for her but on the other hand she rarely reached out to me, even when we were dating, so I doubt she’s suddenly going to want to contact me now.  But if she did contact me now, that’d mean she wants/needs me which would make me feel really good…lol fuck it.  She’s deleted from my life as far as I’m concerned.  But I do think it was a good idea to offer my friendship still because it shows that I’m rising above her bullshit and that I’m a compassionate person…which I always have been but it’s a little hard to be fully compassionate when you have been wounded by the one that you loved.

Okay…it’s late I’m going to go to sleep now.

Goodnight xx


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