I got into a horrible fight with my mom on the last day of spring break. She had gotten back from a difficult medical seminar and she was trying to relax at home when I came downstairs from my bedroom to sit with her and my sister. It was late, around 10:30pm, and they were planning the family trip to Disney to celebrate my graduation.
I was joking with my sister and mentioned how I was turning twenty-three this year, which prompted my mom to ask me what I am doing with my life. Assuming she was joking too, I responded that I don’t know (which is pretty true though). For some reason, this response instigated the fight, which was essentially about how I need to get a job and how I’m not doing enough and how what I’ve been doing my entire college career has been a waste of time.
Usually, I respond very aggressively, but since I’ve been relatively more mindful of how I’m feeling, I was able to listen to her calmly without allowing it to affect me too much. I decided that the best response was to say that I didn’t want to talk about it right now because it was late, but my mom did not take that well. Unfortunately, that caused me to have to be a little aggressive because I wanted to go to bed and I didn’t want to be rude toward her. I wanted to have a calm, civilized conversation, and it was clear that no matter how I would’ve responded at that moment, I was not going to have that type of conversation with her.
I ended up crying a little bit in my room and then the next day I went back to school. A couple of days later I finally decided to call her up to talk and we resolved everything.
Although I felt relatively better after conversing with her, I feel like there have been negative effects of such a hostile end to my overall-stressful spring break. Perhaps I’m a little worn out now because I feel like I did not have adequate time to relax due to the demands of school once I returned, in addition to the argument I had with my mom.
Yesterday, instead of focusing on studying for my exam, I started looking at LinkedIn, jobs, and at PhD programs and I started feeling…so inadequate and like I’m in over my head and like I’m going to let myself down and simultaneously prove my parents right…so I had a little bit of a meltdown. My girlfriend was there to help me refocus, which was incredibly helpful, but I wish I had not allowed myself to get to such a low point at all. I had been doing really well this year: I’ve been calmer, more confident, less stressed, and happier. I’ve been taking steps toward some of my goals too.
This morning when I was doing yoga, I was interrupted by my girlfriend who was looking for her cologne, and I thought she was mad at me for losing it in my room. Right now, yoga is a crucial part of my “me time” and I guess I started off the day poorly by allowing all of these negative feelings to invade my yoga space, which was possibly triggered by the brief interruption to my practice.
When we were leaving my apartment, we got into a disagreement that was related to my low confidence, which ended up making me feel worse. It made her feel bad too because she thought she had upset me, but she hadn’t. I was just upset with myself and not being kind to myself.
Maybe an hour ago, I noticed that my friend had gotten into the PhD program she wanted, which is wonderful but it also reignited my pity-party, which is ridiculous.
So…I’m righting all of this down because the negativity ends here.
It’s affecting my relationships and the way I perceive myself. It’s also affecting my ability to focus on the things I need to focus on now, such as studying for my exam as well as finishing my thesis. I cannot allow these negative, doubtful feelings prohibit me from doing what I need to do in order to succeed in the things that are important to me.
Now is the time to change my mindset.
I am taking the right path in my life because it is my path, no one else’s. The choices I make are right for me if they feel right to me, period. Other people don’t have to understand or agree with my choices because they are not living my life, I am.
One bad moment doesn’t mean my self-worth is now low nor does it mean that the next moments have to be bad too. Shift my perspective! Focus on what needs to be done now! I am worth it.
Just because a goal is ambitious, it doesn’t mean I cannot achieve it. Similarly to earning my Bachelor’s or to writing my thesis, I have to break down big projects into small chunks. Focus on accomplishing each piece, and the results will surprise me. Some of the things I need to know in order to get where I want to be, I may not know yet. Be patient, it’s a learning process.
I’m going to be okay. I’m going to bloom and thrive!