Speaking My Mind

Monday Monday Monday

Today was a bad day.

One of the first things I saw before I even got out of bed was an email from my ex.  The email wasn’t rude or anything (although I thought it was funny because of how ignorant I feel she is of her own actions) but it just set a bad tone for the rest of my day.

My morning class, a class I usually enjoy, was extremely boring.

I ate lunch alone.

Sat in the library from the time it was daylight to when it was dark (six hours).  I wasn’t even very productive, I switched between being stressed about my essay to feeling sad about what happened with my ex.

I ate dinner alone.

I went back to my room and looked for my RA to talk to but she wasn’t there.  My friends weren’t in their room either.

After sitting in my room doing nothing for a few minutes, I went to another boring class.

On the way back from my last class, I held back sobs because I was beginning to feel the kind of hopeless sad that I was more familiar with in middle school and most of high school.  That’s the feeling of not wanting to exist anymore…I don’t think it’s a suicidal feeling but I just want to be eliminated of all the stress and sadness and every bad emotion that I have in my life.  Ever since I’ve been in college, that feeling has visited a few times sadly.

Anyway, a higher power or maybe coincidence, made me run into my RA outside of the door.  She was looking for her key to enter the building, and I had mine.  I went to her room and I talked about my bad, lonely day with her and she just listened, offered some advice/suggestions, and then told me some stories that made me laugh.  I also met two girls on my floor because they walked into her room.  After talking to her, I went to my friends’ dorm and talked to them.  One of my friends had saw my sad Instagram post and asked me what was going on…it was a small thing to ask but it really made me feel like I mattered to someone.  The way my ex treated me in the end made me feel like I don’t matter…and although I know I matter, it still hurts.  It’s kind of like celebrities that get a lot of hate…they know that they’re undeserving of that hate (most times) but it still hurts.  They learn to rise above it though…I need to work on that because as I go on in life there are bound to be people that I’m close with…not even romantically but maybe a boss…that makes me feel like I don’t matter and I have to learn to rise above it and demand respect.

Then I went back to my room and uploaded a bunch of photos to Facebook.  Uploading photos of what I’ve been up to as well as seeing photos of things I’ve done in the past cheered me up a lot because in those photos I remembered nice memories and saw my face smiling or making silly faces and being with friends…it was nice.

So although most of my day was bad, it got better and I know tomorrow is going to be amazing.  Mostly because I have SCREAM Theater Club tomorrow (it’s one of my favorite clubs) and I always have a fun time there.

I want to add a few things to my updated list of self-improvement because after talking to my RA I have realized a few things that I’m missing out on and have made some more goals for myself to fill in the gaps.

11. Meet people OUTSIDE of my dorm.  Sit next to someone new in class or sit down with someone new at lunch…just branch out to people that are not in my dorm so I know more people at my university.

12. Always believe in myself.  I’m a superstar and I can do anything I set my mind to…don’t allow anyone or anything make me feel inferior and like I don’t matter because I do matter.  I am awesome, funny, smart, talented, and many other amazing attributes.  People are lucky to have me in their life and if they don’t want me, it’s their loss.

I’ve been editing my website in small ways…I changed the design of it about a month ago and recently I added some new tabs to the menu, such as fashion and beauty.  I plan on posting some outfits that I wore that I liked as well as my makeup.  I’ll continue to look for other ways to improve this site because I think it’s important that it grows as I grow up.

I hope you all had a better Monday than I did and have a goodnight! xo


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