Speaking My Mind

More Lavender and Tea Tree Oil, Please

Happy September 1st!

Jeez, I can’t believe it’s already September though.  My senior year officially begins on Tuesday, which has caused my anxiety to spike tremendously once again.  Unfortunately, my anxiety triggers cold sores on my lips at least once every season…they’re super painful and because tea tree oil is the only effective remedy to treat them, (tea tree oil, if used as frequently as possible throughout the day, tends to prevent cold sores from going through the whole two-week healing process and reduces it to a week or if you’re lucky to catch it early enough, a mere couple of days), my lips become super dry.  Every year, I feel like I get them more and more easily, which is frustrating.  I used to get them only if I didn’t sleep but now I get them whenever I go from calm to hella anxious and worried.  Anyway….

Yes, I’m anxious because of school.  I’m also anxious because I just came back from the dermatologist…I got a biopsy and now I have to go back in three months.  My mom is currently at the doctor for her cancer…health issues are incredibly anxiety-inducing.

Additionally, it’ll be one year since my cousin passed in two days.  I always think about her, but over the last couple of weeks, I have been thinking about her more frequently and I have been wanting to talk to her more than I usually do.  Her parents planted a tree for her in the city where she was killed yesterday…I wish they had told us about that because I would’ve liked to go.  It must’ve been a nice ceremony.

The last thing that is making me anxious is my girlfriend.  When I’m feeling not so great about myself, it affects all my relationships, but especially my relationship with her because it’s an intimate relationship and there are more expectations from it than my friendships.  She moved into college yesterday and she’s super excited to have the full “University Experience,” and I’m excited for her…but I’m also worried about how it’ll affect our relationship.  Old worries I had before we officially started dating have come up…like maybe she’ll meet someone else or maybe she won’t want to be “tied down” in a relationship or…maybe we’ll become too busy for each other or maybe she won’t prioritize me or maybe she’ll prioritize me too much…

I also feel like…ugh I hate saying this…but I feel lonely.  I feel lonely at school, I mean.  She was completely influential in maintaining my sanity last year after my cousin passed, after learning about my mom’s cancer, and about my own health concerns.  I’ve definitely reduced the size of my circle of friends after all of this occurred and many of my friends that I kept have graduated and moved out of state or out of the country.  So I guess…I’m a little worried about myself…like how would I cope without her, if any of my worries came to fruition?

Then I reflect on my first year of college and I realized that although it was super emotionally difficult…I definitely thrived that year.  So…if that were to happen again…I can thrive again.

Plus, unlike before, I don’t cling onto people so much.  Part of that development has come with age and some experience…but yeah if she didn’t want to be with me anymore for whatever reason or I wasn’t feeling satisfied by the relationship or whatever…I’ll make sure it’s a cleaner break.  I almost only invest time in people that invest in me…I don’t waste my time anymore.  It’s how I reduced my social circle significantly.

I was talking to Kat, my friend from middle school and high school, about it about two weeks ago and she said she was the same way.  She is almost too harsh when it comes to cutting out bullshit.  I feel like I can be a little harsh too…so I’m working on it.

For example, I reached out to one of my oldest friends maybe two weeks ago after nine months of radio silence, largely caused by me.  It was simply a friendly exchange but I think it demonstrated that I’m interested in continuing the friendship…and we can figure it out more later.  So I’m trying to be mindful of how harsh I can be nowadays.

Speaking of mindfulness!  I’ve been doing the Youtuber, Yoga with Adriene’s, 31 Day Yoga Revolution!  I had to take a couple of breaks between days because I was so sore, so I only completed Day 10 today, but it’s been a great experience!  I feel like this practice has really forced me to be more mindful of how I’m feeling, both physically and mentally, and I’ve definitely been more conscious of my breathing and using it as a tool to help soothe me.  Below is the video for the first day.


Between this practice, DBT Group, working out (I’ve retired this temporarily to focus on yoga), writing more again, and cooking, this summer has been incredibly productive in regards to self-improvement.  I can’t necessarily remain as calm as I want to throughout the day, but I’m definitely more aware of when I don’t feel calm and I’m more willing and able to acknowledge my emotions and then deal with them in a positive way.  This will be instrumental to excelling during my senior year and beyond.

I feel much calmer after sitting here for a couple of minutes, inhaling lavender oil, to non-judgmentally acknowledge my thoughts and feelings.  It seems like such a simple and obvious thing to do…but I’ve found it quite difficult.  I tend to be the only one that minimizes my thoughts and feelings and even if they are silly…at least acknowledging that they’re there, and then challenging them, is sooooo helpful.

Today is going to be a great day!  And please take care of yourselves.

xx Vic


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