Speaking My Mind

My Humpy Hump Day

I wanted to ask my girl, Janice*, if she wanted to be my girlfriend on Valentine’s Day.  We both ended up working that night and although we were alone for a little bit when she drove me home afterwards, I didn’t want to ask her in her car.  But lately I’ve been thinking if I want to ask her to be my girlfriend at all.

I haven’t been hesitant to ask her to be my girlfriend because I don’t like her as much as I thought I would; I actually like her even more everyday.

I’m hesitant to ask her if she wants to be my girlfriend because of all the complications that it would entail, because I’m not sure if I rely on her for happiness or not, and because being in a relationship terrifies me.

1. Complications

By this I mean that if we officially date exclusively, then I would feel even more compelled to come out to my parents and tell them about her (I haven’t done either yet) and then I would have to tell them that she’s my boss (I lied to my mom and said that Janice is my coworker) and…it just feels…complicated.

However, Janice told me the other day that I am the only that she is currently talking to, so I suppose it doesn’t matter too much if we “DTR” or not.  She’s being exclusive, I’m being exclusive…yeah, I can’t call her my girlfriend (sometimes I wish I could) but I do call her my girl and according to my best friend, we are basically dating just without the label.

2. Am I at peace with myself?

This video perfectly explains the difference between peace with one’s self and happiness.

I wasn’t necessarily happy a few months ago, but I know that I was definitely more at peace with myself since I officially came out to myself as well as to a few other people in my life.  I’m just scared that considering everything in my life…my shaky social situation, my impending college attendance…that there’s an expiration date on my present happiness.  And it’s important for me to be assured that I am not happy, but at peace with myself before I jump into a relationship.  I don’t want things to crumble between us and for myself to fall apart.  I want to be sure that I am secure with who I am so even if I do rely on Janice for some form of happiness, if things didn’t work out, I would know that I will be okay because I am at peace with myself.  I think I am generally there…coming out has helped a lot I believe.

3. Being in a relationship

I have never officially been in one, and being in one before I go off to college sounds complicated.  She has hinted at seeing me when I’m in college, but talk is cheap and even if it wasn’t…I am not sure how I feel about being in a long distance relationship.

Anyway…these have been my latest thoughts.  I talked to Nick and Pat about this stuff and it made me feel better just because I was able to talk it through with them.  They’re awesome lads.

I hope you all are doing well and that you have had a lovely Valentine’s Day!  I know it was a few weeks ago already but I neglected to write on V-Day…so I mentioned it now 😛

Goodnight WordPress x

*name has been changed


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