Almost a year ago, I decided to try online dating.
I had no business being online…I wasn’t looking for a relationship, and at the time I was jailbait since I was a minor.
Regardless, I made an account…it was Christmas Eve. I was at a state of depression and hopelessness I had never felt before. I had lost all my friends the year before…some weren’t really friends though. But anyway…I was lonely. The two friends that remained suffered from depression…one was hospitalized and the other on medication. I was doing my best to help them out, but my feelings were…being neglected…because they had enough shit to deal with on their own.
The feelings that consumed my head regarded my loneliness…but also my sexuality. I had been questioning it for about two years, which was when I uprooted myself from organized religion and when I began to develop feelings for a close friend, whom I’m no longer friends with because I was so embarrassed by how I felt.
I wasn’t sure who to talk to, and I felt uncomfortable talking about it. I still feel uncomfortable talking about it.
So last December I did some research and found a great YouTube channel that was informative about sexuality. It led me to a specific online dating site.
I joined the site because I wanted to talk to someone that was lesbian or bisexual to…see how I felt. To explore my sexuality and maybe…hopefully, find answers.
But I lost sight of my purpose for being on the site as months passed (the girls were mean so I stopped bothering with them), and I only reached out to guys to “satisfy my emotional needs.”
The whole “online dating” experience fucked my emotions up more than they were before…it was terrible. I was on the site all the time…then I would delete my account because I was so frustrated. But then I would feel an urge to go back and make another one.
I felt addicted to it.
I think I felt that way because my reality was skewed….the internet fellas made me feel less alone. And they made me feel good…but only for a short period of time. Ultimately I felt pathetic and more depressed than I initially was.
I have no idea how I stopped using the site…I just got tired of the bullshit I suppose. I deleted my third account and stayed off…and the guys that had my numbers stopped reaching out to me.
But I still had no answers regarding my sexual identity.
I ignored and suppressed my internal conflict for a many months. I was too emotionally exhausted to think about “who I was.”
Instead I became attached to Opuss and bonded with some Opussians. Opuss became a crutch in replacement of the people on the online dating site. I only wanted to connect to people so I wouldn’t feel so alone.
Then recently…along with the resurfacing of my depression, I’ve begun to resume questioning my sexual identity, which only makes me more depressed. I also feel thoroughly confused.
I can’t confidently say that I am straight, but I don’t think I’m lesbian either…because I’m relatively attracted to guys as well.
I find being attracted to more than one sexuality discomforting. People assume that being bisexual is the stepping stone to coming out as gay…or that bi people are just confused…or will take anyone that will have them…or…there are many assumptions, and it makes me uncomfortable. For all I know, I am just curious…or…lesbian. I don’t know though…and not knowing drives me crazy.
I am uncomfortable discussing or…truly recognizing my feelings toward women in too. I’m not homophobic at all…I’m just scared. Scared to admit to a label with which I am so unsure and confused about….and I’m terrified about being accepted by my family…if I choose to identify myself a certain way.
Confronting my confusion is helpful though…I feel a bit relieved seeing my thoughts written down.
Anywho…for now I will just feel how I feel and work on coming to terms with it I suppose. I want to be comfortable and happy with who I am one day…hopefully someday soon.