Speaking My Mind

Not a Hollow Halloweekend

Since the fallout with my friend, I’ve been waiting to feel crappy about it, but I haven’t.   Granted, I was very upset for about a week and I had nightmares, but that was it.  I think about her once in awhile, mostly when I’m drinking, but that will diminish over time.

Perhaps I haven’t been so devasted because I subconsciously saw it coming.  We hadn’t talked much in last few months, the love I had for her was too intense to last, and/or the conflict of interest there was due to her relationship with her best friend…but at the same time, I didn’t think these things would result in the finiteness of our friendship.  I believed that if anything, we just wouldn’t be as close, which was okay with me.  Instead, however, we don’t talk at all.  She hasn’t reached out to me nor has she responded to my texts, even the ones where I was clearly upset.  It’s reminiscent of how my ex iced me out over two years ago now.

It may also be because I’ve been busy with school, my other friends, and that I have other more pressing concerns.

I also feel like I have so much love in my life as it is, which feels so wonderful.  If you’ve read my work on Opuss over four years ago and the stuff I’ve written since I joined WordPress in 2013, to some extent, I’ve always felt like my life was devoid of love.  It’s refreshing to feel otherwise, despite the fallout, which would have crushed me even a year ago…but I’m thriving.

Similarly to every time someone left my life for one reason or another, I’ve met some new people that I’ve begun to befriend, or at least talk to.  Most are due to my involvement in school and the classes I’m taking, but I also rejoined Tinder after one of my friends proclaimed she’s had tons of sex with people she’s met on that app.  I didn’t rejoin Tinder to get laid, I was just curious about what I could find if I actually tried, instead of talking to people for a couple of days and then stopping abruptly when they actually want to make plans to meet up with me.  Ever since meeting up with Marek, a guy I met online when I was 17, I have been afraid to meet people in person.  My experience with him wasn’t bad in the sense that he was a creepy old guy because he was harmless.  It was more so the surreal experience of seeing someone that you’ve talked to on the phone and video chatted with in person, that frightens me.  They suddenly become extra real, and it scared me then…it scares me now.  I ended up making a fool out of myself and maybe a couple days after that, he ended it with me.  Not because I was a fool, but because of the distance.  (He ended up reaching out to me over a year later, coincidentally when I broke up with my ex for the first time.  We talked for a couple of months but then he stopped responding during the holidays..haven’t heard from him since.)

Anywho, I decided to throw caution to the wind and give Tinder the millionth chance it deserves.  I have also been following the straight and narrow for awhile, so I wanted to throw caution to the wind and rebel!

I ended up talking to this girl that doesn’t go to my university, but goes to school and lives nearby.  We were supposed to meet at a coffee shop, but it was 9pm and everything was closing so I ended up getting into her car (which I told myself I wouldn’t do) and she came over my apartment (I told myself we wouldn’t do this either).  My roommates were home so if she killed me, at least we weren’t “alone alone.”

Since that time, we hung out one other time with my best friend.  My best friend said there was a ton of sexual tension between the Tinder girl and I, but as I had established the day before with her, we were just gay friends.  She had gotten out of an almost two-year relationship a month ago, and I didn’t want to be a rebound.  She didn’t want me to be that either, or be anything beyond friends so…it’s okay I guess.  It certainly would be nice if I met someone who was emotionally available for once and was like “damn, you’re cute Victoria. Date me!” but that is not the kind of luck that I have.  My best friend thinks my type is emotionally unavailable people…she’s probably right.  But at the same time, who goes on Tinder to make friends?!?! Of course, of all the people on Tinder, I end up hitting it off with that person.

This is not to say that being friends with her is something that I scoff at.  In reality, it may be better for my mental health.  She’s going to transfer next year, who knows where, so whatever relationship we have would assumedly end when school ends.  It would be extra painful if we were dating.  Even if she did end up transferring to my university or transferred somewhere nearby, I anticipate graduating in 2018, which will possibly also lead to the demise of any relationship.  Perhaps it’s unhealthy to think so far in advance and surmise that I’m better off not engaging in any relationships because they will all end within a couple months or a year…but it’s difficult for me not to think long term, especially since that’s all I’ve been doing in regards to my education and career goals.  I guess I want to avoid heartbreak…I haven’t felt so unattached to anyone in four years…but it makes me think about what Marek said when we reconnected two years ago.  He said that although falling in love often ends in heartbreak, it is worth taking that risk because it’s a beautiful thing.

I don’t know if this woman is someone I should fall in love with…but I suspect that it will happen if we continue our “friendship” the way it has been going thus far.  We’ve been texting a lot, hanging as often as possible, and she’s proposed doing what I consider to be “couple-y” things, such as cooking together.  I feel stuck in the sense that I’m lapping up this new attention which I haven’t had in awhile, but I’m also wondering.. “does she want to do all of this stuff with me because she actually likes me as a friend (or more), because I’m convenient, or because she has all this emotional energy she used to spend on her ex and doesn’t know what to do with it??”  Maybe I am agreeing to all this stuff for the same reasons, minus the latter.  But it isn’t every day that I come across lesbians on Tinder that actually respond to me.  There aren’t a superfluous amount of lesbians on Tinder, to begin with!

My best friend suggested I just go with it for now.  Which is what I will do, because I do like her.  I just hope I won’t regret this decision.

xx Vic


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