Speaking My Mind

“Now I’m A Warrior”

I never particularly liked Demi Lovato.  It’s not that I hated her or anything, I just didn’t understand the hype around her because I never listened much to her story.  But after being exposed to her by my best friend from high school and my ex, I’ve grown to truly admire and respect her, and lately I’ve been listening to her music for inspiration and empowerment.

As I’ve written before, I’ve been having a hard time adjusting to college life.  Things are getting better for the most part but there are still moments when I’m just like “I don’t belong here,” “What am I doing?,” “Why can’t things be like they used to be?,” and “I want to go home.”

It’s hard for me to overcome these moments…instead I’ve been letting them play out, feel scared and sad…and then I’ll begin to think positively.  I’ve covered surfaces in my room with inspirational post-its, my Facebook wall is now 90% positivity since I’ve liked so many positive quotes pages, and Demi Lovato is my go-to artist.

But during those moments of self-doubt and sadness, I am focused on nostalgic memories of my senior year in high school.  Maybe it’s silly but that’s usually why I begin to fear being at school…

I had a really great senior year…I was in love and was loved, I made amazing friends, I had so many leadership positions, and I felt like I was becoming the person I wanted to be once I learned to accept certain aspects of myself.  I have so many memories that I still treasure as well as awful memories I wish I could forget…but for the most part I’m faced with wishing I was living the awesome memories again.

Breaking up with my ex was really hard for me, not just because of how horribly she treated me, but also because it was the final part of my senior year that I no longer had.  Don’t get me wrong, I am glad I am no longer with her so I don’t have to endure her psychological games and we would’ve broken up at some point anyway but at the same time, being with her in college was nice because she reminded me of home and of my senior year.

My emotional attachment to my senior year isn’t just because of all the experiences that I had and loved, but also because it was a year of stability…of certainty.  Yes, I knew things were going to change real quick come the fall but…I knew where I was going to college by early November, I knew my high school and how it operated, I knew almost all the teachers and staff and students…I was comfortable at my job…everything was familiar and certain, albeit the fact that everything was going to change in the future.

Now, my life is incredibly uncertain.  I have ideas for majors but I don’t know much about careers that I want, I don’t know how this HUGE university operates, I barely know anyone outside of my dorm…there are still so many clubs to explore as well as campuses and restaurants and people…it’s just a world of unknown right now.  Too many possibilities, but also too many ways to fail.

Thank god that I have an amazing RA and my friends are awesome but come next year, I don’t even know if my friends will still be attending this school or if we’ll still be friends…maybe our lives will go into different directions and then I’ll be back at my freshman year…making friends again.

Basically, my life right now is fucking scary…which is why I have such a strong desire to go back home and have things the way they used to be because my senior year wasn’t so scary.  It represented stability and just an enjoyment of my final year in high school.

But things change.

“Change is the only constant in life.
Embrace it, help create it.
Don’t fear it, don’t fight it.”

At the end of the day when I feel like I have a handle on my life a little bit….it may take a year or two…but I know that I’ll be glad I took this risk of attending college, because I feel like college is a huge risk.  It’s a financial risk, it’s also a personal risk…but I believe risks allow people to grow.

I want to talk about my ex a little bit…I don’t want to compare myself to her or put her down or anything negative but I also want to share my thoughts so if I am doing those things, I’m sorry, that was not my intention.

I feel like my ex is still stuck in high school…she’s twenty-two now but she’s still living with that mindset, in my opinion.  Maybe not completely but…I don’t know. I just feel like she never grew up fully…she still works at the same job she’s had since high school, which is perfectly fine except I don’t believe she’s happy at that job.  From conversations we’ve had, I think she wants to get a different job that pays more and such but she doesn’t have the money to have the luxury of making another plan…but I also think she’s scared of leaving her job because she’s scared of change.

When she got moved from her original store, she was understandably upset and scared…but she kept visiting her old store and eventually brought most of the staff from that store to her new store.  Part of that decision to move people was business but I also think it was a desire for her to want things to be how they used to be, although they won’t ever be completely the same because they’re not at their original store.

When she broke up with me through text, she said she was happy where she was right now…probably because where she was was back in her high school days…working with the same people, doing the same things for four or five years now…it’s familiar, comfortable, and secure.  There are a few more risks now that she has more responsibilities but she’s not taking an initiative to make big risks that would enable her to be more financially secure, as she once desired verbally to me.  She’s focused on making ends meet for the time being in a way that’s fun, generally easy, and comfortable.  Being with me does not fit into this equation because I’m in college, far-ish away, trying to grow academically.

By no means am I trying to imply anything negative about her…she’s a great person when she wants to be…she’s supported me and helped me through a lot and I still love her, I’m just not in love with her.  I forgive her for treating me like crap although she never apologized, but I won’t forget what she did.  But…the point of detailing my ex’s situation is for two reasons:

1. It helps make me feel better about the fact that we’re not together anymore because I want academic success and I think longterm…and it’d be nice to have someone in my life that wants and thinks those things as well.

2. My ex lives what I want when I say that I want things how they used to be…and by seeing how hard living her life the same way it’s been since high school makes me proud that I decided to go to college and live on my own because by going to college, I’m being brave.  I’m opening up to change and limitless possibilities…I’m growing as a person as well as academically…I’m developing skills and learning…

My ex is doing those things too and she has those options but it’s harder for her to take advantage of them because she has to support herself meanwhile I have a little more freedom.  If I stayed at my job and stayed doing what was comfortable, I’d probably end up feeling trapped financially and so used to familiarity that change becomes feared and avoided altogether.

Maybe my ex will continue to go up the ladder at her job if that’s what makes her happy, or maybe she’ll change directions one day and be brave.  I’m not trying to say that she’s not being brave by seeking higher positions at the job she currently has, because it does take bravery to strive for anything.  However, I believe that by doing something COMPLETELY different from what she’s doing is a different kind of brave because everything would be unfamiliar.  On the other hand though, my ex didn’t want the life I’m leading now so that also has to do with why her life hasn’t changed too much.

My point is…I’m proud of myself for persevering.  This is what I want for myself and I’m not going to give up because I’m scared.

Goodnight xo


**title taken from Demi’s song, Warrior

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