“I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.” -Mark Twain
My therapist recommended I try a counseling group that focuses on behaviors and emotions, and I went to my first session last week. It’s only been a week as I write this, but it’s been insightful thus far. Our first assignment is to practice mindfulness because it is helpful when it comes to reducing suffering, increasing control of your mind, and experiencing reality as it is.
Unfortunately, this assignment has gone to the wayside a bit since my dad had to go to the ER last week and spent three nights at the hospital. That would’ve been a prime time to practice meditating because I was consumed with anxiety and the thoughts I used to have after my cousin passed resurfaced…I was experiencing very intense emotions. I tried working out in the morning, which did help a little bit but…I didn’t deal with my emotions sufficiently I guess. It all blew up in my face a couple of hours later when my mom was nagging me to text my aunt. I erupted and we got into a dramatic fight…and she stormed out of the house. Then I yelled at my sister until I finally broke down and cried uncontrollably.
Anyway…I forgot about this assignment but I will work on it every day going forward because practicing mindfulness would help regulate my mood swings.
I have practiced yoga twice in the last two weeks, which is a method for practicing mindfulness though. I watched the Yoga with Adrienne videos that my good friend, Lana, recommended on her site. I think I would rather learn the moves enough to do it on my own but for now, watching the videos and following along has been a little helpful.
Thankfully, my dad is doing pretty well and he’s home from the hospital, so my anxiety surrounding medical issues and death has decreased. Instead, I’ve been having a lot of anxiety about my future. I think as far ahead as a year from now, which is ridiculous because then I miss out on enjoying the present moment.
I recently wrote about one of the things that give me anxiety: wanting to leave my hometown but feeling like I can’t permanently. At least not for awhile because it’d be unrealistic…I don’t even have my own car.
I’ve also been having anxiety about my credit score because I need good credit to get these things I want and I was rejected from getting a second credit card twice…but I ended up being able to get a store credit card that I can only use at that store so that’ll be helpful in regards to building credit.
I have a lot of anxiety about dating too. It’s actually been a couple of months since this anxiety has resurfaced….I technically had this anxiety before I started officially dating my girlfriend. It was one of the reasons I held off being official with her. I’m anxious that come graduation, things between us will dissolve or things will dissolve the following fall or things will dissolve at all…I feel myself clinging to something that I want right now and although I don’t foresee myself feeling differently…it could happen! Or perhaps she’d feel differently about me. There’s nothing I can do about it except to enjoy every moment I have with her now and foster the relationship we have as much as possible.
I tend to do this though…I get ahead of myself and I can’t fathom being without someone or something. But I know I’d be okay regardless of what happens…with her or with my friends or even with my family.
Anxiety surrounding my family is very intense still. I have started a plan on coming out to them a second time, with the help of my therapist. My therapist said that my anxiety causes me to believe that things will be worse than they may actually be and that I believe I won’t be able to handle the aftermath of being honest with them. This anxiety has caused me to constantly have a facade with them. In order to combat this, I decided to start sharing with them what I do…like when I go out. I don’t tell them who I’m with or what I do or where I go…it’s all such trivial stuff but to me, it feels paramount. Since I hang out with my girlfriend a lot, they’ll learn that by what I share with them so I can gauge how they’ll react and then…perhaps when I tell them I’m dating her, it won’t feel like I’m being as vulnerable than if I were to tell them randomly now. Right now, they don’t know anything about her or how much we hang out or what we do…so…little steps.I was supposed to do this step this week as well but I’ve been home so…I guess I’ll start sharing details of my life this coming week. My sister is leaving next week though and I don’t know if I should tell her before she goes. It’d be easier to tell her randomly one day but…I don’t know. I’ll have to see how I feel I guess.
I was supposed to do this step this week as well but I’ve been home so…I guess I’ll start sharing details of my life this coming week. My sister is leaving next week though and I don’t know if I should tell her before she goes. It’d be easier to tell her randomly one day but…I don’t know. I’ll have to see how I feel I guess.
Other things I have anxiety about include my classes next semester…I’m going to be taking a lot of credits. I may need to drop a class, but I don’t know which one. I’m also stressed about how my relationship with my girlfriend will change because she’ll be at the same university as me and she’ll be living on campus…it’ll probably get more intense than it already is. Which is exhilerating and terrifying in itself…and my sister is now living down the hall from me so I’m stressed about her being in such close quarters and I’m still not…super comfortable being entirely myself with her. I feel like my sister can be judgemental over my overall life choices like even drinking. But she’s more chill than my parents. And she’s a great sister to me overall…she puts up with my crap. I should give her the benefit of the doubt more.
I’ve also been having anxiety about how nostalgic and upset I will be when I graduate…how I’ll feel lonely and how it’ll be like when I graduated high school (it was rough). I mentioned this to my study buddy a long time ago and she said that that assumption I’m making isn’t necessarily true. All my fears aren’t necessarily true. Like Mark Twain said…most of my worries may never happen.
LIVE IN THE MOMENT!!!
Anyway…by practicing mindfulness, all these anxieties will be reduced and I’ll be able to enjoy the present more.
As my aunt pointed out today…I’ve learned this summer how the universe conspires in my favor when I work for something that I want. I got the cheap flight ticket, internship, and calculus II class in the span of a day or two…so…the things meant for me will fall into place. Obviously, I need to work to achieve them but the universe will help me too. I need to trust that more.
How do y’all cope with anxiety? Do you practice mindfulness, and if so, how?