Speaking My Mind,  unzipped lips

Putting My Life Back Together

Saturday Repost from Fall 2012

“I’m reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower right now and a lot of it is really hitting home for me…it’s kinda scary.

This time last year, I was losing myself, I was depressed, and I didn’t care. As long as my grades looked okay, everything was okay with me…I hung out with the wrong crowd…But then it hit me: Why am I doing this? I’m miserable. I lost a lot of my friends. My “new friends” are shitty friends. They’re not even friends. They don’t talk to me unless I’m doing something stupid with them.

Then came the summer, I started putting my life back together.

I hung out with my sister a lot, who practically saved me from losing myself completely. I stopped talking to my fake friends. But I didn’t reconnect with the real friends that I lost.

Now I’m just…lonely and depressed, but not nearly as depressed as I was before. At least now I’m busy with all the new jobs that I have to do this year. I have responsibility. I feel important. I wish I found something like this last year. It would’ve made me feel better.

Sometimes I worry that now I’m ignoring my depression with my busy schedule. Maybe I am. If I wasn’t busy, I would realize that I don’t really have any friends anymore, that I’ve become a lot like Holden Caulfield, and I would go back to doing the stupid stuff that I was doing before.

The connection of my story here to The Perks of Being A Wallflower though is that I understood the quote when Charlie says, “I feel like a big faker because I’ve been putting my life back together, and nobody knows” (100). Then he later says that he’s smoking ten cigarettes a day. It kinda shows you that although he never wants to take LSD again and he wants to forget about it and pretend that he never did it in the first place, he still isn’t back to being who he was before that night. He smokes cigarettes now. And with my situation, I quit doing things that my family never knew that I did. but I still feel depressed, like something is missing, like something isn’t right.

I haven’t finished the book yet. I hope that he will fix himself. If something awful happens to him, I will be really upset. I don’t think I can handle it if something happens to him.

I probably shouldn’t read sad books like this in the fall. Last year I read Catcher In the Rye, and although it is still my favorite book to date, I feel like it kinda made me more depressed than how I had been feeling at the time. Holden was relatable. Now I feel like I’ve become him. And now I’m understanding how Charlie feels…
When you relate to characters that have problems like this, you know something isn’t right.

So, if you’re feeling depressed, don’t do something stupid. Don’t succumb to those sucky feelings. Do something that makes you feel important. For me, it’s writing, it’s having responsibility, it’s impacting the world.

But also, you need to realize that doing these things won’t make you undepressed. You’ll still hate yourself. You’ll still hurt yourself. You’ll still want to die.

But when you do things that make you feel good, for those moments when you’re doing them, they’ll make you feel a bit better, but only for awhile.”


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