Things have been crazy lately. There has been a lot of lectures from my parents as they struggle to understand and accept my “no-label” sexuality, tears, stress and anxiety, tension, and lack of sleep.
It’s funny how I thought my mom was going to take my sexuality well…she said I threw a bomb onto the house and she has been waking me up in the early mornings, hounding me with questions about my sexuality, giving me lectures about AIDS, expressing her distaste in my lack of religious beliefs and her disappointment in me, how she thinks I’ve been brainwashed…she has offended me many times.
Conversely, my dad, who also feels disappointed, is not acting that way toward me as much, and I thought he would be the parent that would take this news the hardest. He works a lot so he’s not around much…but when he is around things are generally okay with him.
However, I’m scared to be alone with my mom in fear that we’re going to get into an argument like we did yesterday. With my dad, I don’t think he’s randomly going to bring up my sexuality.
Anyway, things have been rough in my household lately. I’ve been fighting a lot and crying…I haven’t been this distressed with my parents since my sophomore year of high school. It’s kinda weird…I’ve been thinking about how and why we stopped fighting so much…it was because I stopped “rebelling” and started doing what they wanted me to do. Except the problem now isn’t with what I’m doing, it’s with who I am. Although they hated that I am dating Janice*.
On Thursday night my dad came home and brought me down to the basement with my mom and he started screaming at me for seeing Janice because she is twenty-one and doesn’t go to college…his face turned bright red and he started slamming things. It was as if he was yelling at her… “WHY DOESN’T SHE GO TO SCHOOL?!?!?” “Dad, I don’t know..ask her, not me…”
I cursed my parents out and then voluntarily told them I would break up with her.
Immediately afterwards I sobbed my eyes out and called my best friend, Melissa, who picked me up and took me to Starbucks. I sobbed the whole ride there and then tried to calm down so we could go inside. I called Janice, who oddly didn’t pick up the first few times. Then I called one of my former coworkers who is friends with her to get Janice’s sister’s number. Maybe Janice’s sister would pick up. But then Janice did call back and she came to Starbucks with her sister and her friends. She hugged me to her and whimpered as I sobbed and Melissa told her what had happened with my parents because I didn’t have the heart to tell Janice that my parents hate her and think she’s a loser. Her friends offered me advice and comfort, since they have been in similar situations. Melissa offered me her place if I didn’t want to sleep at home.
Although that night was awful, I felt so truly cared for and like I wasn’t alone.
In my home though, I do feel alone. My sister understand and accepts my sexuality, unlike my parents, but if I want to be with Janice, I will have to sneak around with her because my sister doesn’t even like Janice. I didn’t tell my sister that I was dating Janice, and when she defended me one night (and even left my house) when I wasn’t there to defend myself, my parents informed her of that tidbit. I apologized then lied about breaking up with her.
I haven’t broken up with Janice. I just want to see where things go because I believe that us meeting and connecting the way we have was meant to be and I just want to see where things go. I don’t want to end things because of my parents. Anyway…here are the thoughts that I texted yesterday about my situation.
Logically I know that I shouldn’t have started seeing her…I said back in the beginning that it was bad that she’s my boss but she said that it’s nobody else’s business and I agreed with her cuz I like her and that’s what I wanted to hear…it’ll be easy to break up with her in the sense that I won’t have to sneak around to be with her, I won’t feel guilty anymore, there will be nothing for my parents or my other bosses to find out about her and I…
On the other hand I loved it when her friend introduced me as her girlfriend and I really like Janice she makes me happy and I like her friends I feel like part of a little family and they’re all happy for Janice cuz she has me and apparently a guy from work was asking about me and Janice yesterday and how we were doing…
But on my third hand I think it’s bad for me to have such bad feelings about our relationship…
But on my fourth hand I only have bad feelings because my family doesn’t like her and if they find out I’m seeing her then they’ll get mad and…it’s not fair that they are the reason I’m considering ending things. I want to end things because it ends up that Janice and I are not very compatible or something that is between us..but I guess technically our jobs and parents are part of us
Yesterday…well basically everyday since I came out to my parents and informed them of my relationship, I have been a sad around Janice. Janice texted me to assure me she wouldn’t leave me because of my parents and that she really likes me…and all this mushy stuff that made my heart beat a little faster but it also made me more nervous and anxious about the future.
I have talked to a few close friends that I have in my life about what I should do regarding my relationship and…I still don’t know what to do. I have talked to Janice about it but it’s not a fun discussion to have… “Janice, should I break up with you…??”
For now I am just going to give it a few weeks…to see if my home situation cools down a bit.
Anyway…today…flipped open the new Seventeen magazine and well…here’s the text that I sent to my girlfriend about an awesome article I found in it..
So I used to ardently read seventeen magazine in middle school and I haven’t read it since but I ordered a new prescription a few years ago and it still hasn’t expired. this magazine kinda bothers me but anyway, I got the new issue and I like to read my horoscope cuz i find horoscopes interesting as u know but as I was flipping to find it I came across this article which is so amazing and it’s probably the first article I’ve seen in this magazine since I was 12 that is about sexuality and altho it’s really cheesy it’s beautiful cuz I kinda relate to it altho to me this article feels like it’s about having that one girl crush but still liking boys…I know I like girls, I’ve liked more than one girl but…about the labels and just realizing that it’s okay and I should allow myself to like who I like is why I like this article. I tore it out
Here’s the article
There was also an article about feminism, which I also thought was awesome. This issue of Seventeen is an awesome one. In my opinion, they need more articles about this to frequent each issue.
So…this has been my life lately…I kinda regret telling my parents about my sexuality…but mostly I regret telling them about Janice because it caused all this tension and stuff but…at least I am confident in who I am now and..hopefully it’ll get better soon. It’s only been a little over a week since I came out…I came out to my mom on February 28th and to my dad on March 1st…so..yeah…
Hope you all are doing well…xx
*name has been changed