Speaking My Mind

Save Rock and Roll (Save Myself)

I’m bored with all of the books I’ve been trying to read and with all of the shows I want to watch so I decided it was about time to come on here and write again.  So…yeah..I’m ending my Fall-Out-Boy-esque-hiatus now.  My hiatus was not five years nor did I release an underrated, killer record before going on break and then proceed to get married, launch a solo career, or have children during my hiatus…but this has been the longest break I’ve taken from writing on here, and in general, since…my sophomore or junior year in high school.  It’s a little unfortunate I didn’t write because I like to document my life, thoughts, and feelings…but everything seemed so…heavy at the time and the idea of writing anything…I didn’t perceive it as therapeutic.

During the last month or so, however, I have been documenting random thoughts/feelings into a journal by hand to at least get them out there and then I would organize them into the different Bullet Journal prompts I had going.

Anyway!  I am going to resume writing again.  I’ve been having an urge to write creatively over the last week or so…hopefully I can do some of that because I miss that.  In the meantime, I’ll blog a bit about what’s going on and I’ll start with an update since a bunch has been going on!

My junior year of college is over so I’m approaching my senior year and it’s quite terrifying albeit thrilling…I don’t particularly want to graduate but I think I need the change.  I want to see what else the universe has in store for me and I want to start…being a real, independent adult such as getting a job and moving out.  I understand that these aren’t necessarily glamorous activities since I’ll have bills and responsibilities and I’ll be working until I die pretty much but…the independence that those activities entail are enticing to me.  It’ll be my money, my life…and I can have more agency over how I want to enjoy my life.  I definitely want to travel and pursue more school at some point…maybe after a year of working so, I would be able to more accurately determine what career path I want to pursue.  At the moment I am intrigued by a PhD in Health Economics or an MBA in Actuarial Science.  Something that incorporates statistics, math, and people’s lives.  I anticipate taking up to calculus 3 by the end of my senior year to make myself more attractive for these types of programs.

This summer I will be working for the job I’ve had at school for forever, and I also obtained a part-time, six-week internship through my uncle last week!  It was cool because everything fell into place in one or two days.  I booked a cheap flight to Spain (I’m going to Spain/London for two weeks) and then got a call from my uncle about an internship.  It’s bittersweet because my cousin used to intern with him…losing her has remained difficult but the symptoms of grief have changed.

I participated in a grief group for the entire academic year with my sister and about midway through the spring semester, my therapist recommended I attend a depression group as well.  I completed that workshop which was informative on how to be productive in regards to completing schoolwork, despite depressive symptoms, and it was helpful.  I learned that I use YouTube videos to procrastinate when my mood is low because I’m just trying to get myself to laugh.  Anyway…I’m still in one-on-one therapy…maybe I’ll continue it until the fall or so.  We shall see how I feel.

My girlfriend (I have a girlfriend now!) has been super wonderful in improving my mood though.  She’s supportive, thoughtful, sweet…just a magical human.  She’s probably not even human.  She’s more like some angelic unicorn kween.  She’s the woman I met on Tinder back in October and we were friends, didn’t talk for a month during winter break, and then we started hanging out again when the spring semester started because I was like “where’d you go?” and then she was like “I’m attracted to you” and I blushed and then we casually dated for a month.  Before spring break she wanted to be official and she told me she loved me after savagely making out with me…but I was scared so I said “no” and she waited ever-so-patiently for me to stop being full of shit and on April 14th at some godforsaken hour in the morning I asked her to “date-date” me.  (I was too afraid to say “girlfriend” and so I hoped “date-date” would imply that I wanted to be girlfriends lol I’m ridiculous.  But she loves me anyway 🙂 )

But yeah…she’s super lovely because she’s my best friend.  She’s seen me at my worst both healthwise (severe cough/laryngitis) and mentally (grumpy/stressed/crying).  Every time I thought she was going to leave, she’s stayed or she’s stopped what she was doing to be with me, and I am super grateful for her.  She hasn’t seen me at my best yet but she will and it’ll be great!

We also go on fun dates like not only do we go to bars and get dinner, but we’ve also gone bowling, gone to a concert (still not over how amazing it was!!), gone on a late-night adventure to the beach, gone to the movies…she’s showed me one of her special parks…and we have some other ideas planned!  Perhaps I’ll document some of the things we’ve done and/or some of the things we do in the future!

Aside from these things…I’ve met some cool people this semester.  My study buddy became my therapist and she’s just…a great person to have deep conversations about life.  I’ve hung out with two other people I’ve met online years ago now and I’m friends with both of them.  One of them got me interested in a public speaking club!

Events to come include my sister leaving me to study abroad.  My best friend already left to study abroad.  I’m getting my stitches out tomorrow (I had more surgery about two weeks ago), my mom going back to the doctor for checkups…I’m going to a concert on Thursday…and I am determined to come out (a second time) to my family at some point this summer.  It is absurd that I apparently feel the need to have a girlfriend to have this discussion with them because sexuality doesn’t just disappear when you’re single and also because it’s a ton more stressful when I have a girlfriend to have these discussions with them.  Not only do they have to get comfortable with how I identify, but I also want to introduce them to someone important in my life and…it’s not like my sister and I use a revolving door when it comes to significant others so it’s all very new territory for them.  I want to stop living my life to make them comfortable though because it ultimately makes me uncomfortable, and I’m exhausted of feeling that way around them.

There are other grave fears I have that I want to overcome or at least start working on this summer.  Some of those include public speaking, which I worked on by taking a class last semester but I want to push myself more so I can participate in my job better.  I’d also like to my reduce social anxiety, participate in group activities…and make myself feel uncomfortable sometimes.  This quote pictured below is my phone background because I thought it would inspire me.


So yes…this summer I’m going to fall back in love with myself, the world, and life again and I’ll update y’all on how it goes 🙂

Perhaps I’ll update y’all on my fitness/health life too because I’ve started working out again (for very short increments but I will increase this!) and due to my mom’s cancer, she’s gotten into the organic food lifestyle. Since I’ve been home we’ve been cooking together and we’ve made some cool things!

Also, if you enjoy reading, please check out in the sidebar what I’ve been reading and you can friend me on GoodReads (is that how it works?) if you want to do a book club thing!  I’m in the middle of about ten books right now, it’s preposterous, but I’m determined to finish at least one this week!

How have the last six months been for you?

xx Vic


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