Speaking My Mind

Second Update: How to Discover and Redefine Myself

The past two days have been really good…Friday I went to the women’s basketball game and we won.  Yesterday I spent the whole day in the library with my friend but we watched a bunch of movies later so that was nice…last night though I had a bad dream about my ex.  She wasn’t in it much and we didn’t interact with each other…which is one of the reasons that it was bad.  It was also a bad dream because I had many physical limitations…like I couldn’t move fast enough and/or I couldn’t talk or see…it was frustrating and difficult.

Regarding my ex, I feel very powerless about what happened between us which is probably why I dreamt feeling powerless when it came to her in my dream…I was physically unable to tell her how I felt and look at her…it was hard and depressing.

Yesterday when I was in the library I wrote my final letter to my ex under the advisement of my therapist.  My therapist had suggested that instead of writing a “mature” letter, I should write something vulnerable.  She didn’t say I had to send it but I think what I wrote is important for my ex to know.  I’m going to share it with my therapist tomorrow and see what she thinks, and then when I drop off her stuff at her house during Thanksgiving break I’ll include my final letter.

The letter is vulnerable, strong, powerful, compassionate…I think it’s a really great letter and hopefully it’ll make these dreams of feeling restricted and powerless go away.

Anyway, just wanted to share that before I update my list to see what kind of progress I’ve been making…

How To Discover and Redefine Myself

  1. Join new clubs and be friendly with the people that are part of them.  Make some connections with them, hang out with them outside of the club.  I have yet to find a club where I feel like I belong there…feeling like I don’t belong anywhere has really depressed me this past week…hopefully I’ll find a club that really suits me soon.  It sucks though because a club that I can’t quit is also a club that I really dislike…I’ll try to retain an open mind though and hopefully things will get better.
  2. Try to meet someone new everyday.  Maybe sit with someone I don’t know in the dining hall.  Um…I don’t think I’ve met anyone recently…well with the exception of some people in clubs but they’re not all very friendly.  The fact that I don’t know many people outside of my dorm has been depressing me lately because I feel that I’m not experiencing all that college has to offer, but my friend reassured me that she’s feeling the same way and that college is a huge adjustment so other freshman are probably feeling the same way as well.
  3. Eat OUTSIDE of my room.  Socialize with people, make connections.  I have been doing this but maybe I should try sitting with other people as well as my friends…I don’t know.
  4. Reach out to my RA every once in awhile.  There were a few times when I tried reaching out to my RA but she wasn’t there…when I do see her though we catch up and stuff…I’m very grateful to have such an amazing RA.
  5. Sit in the lounge and talk to the girls that usually hang out there.  Get to know them.  I avoid the lounge like the plague.
  6. Get involved.  Look into applying for externships and research opportunities.  Find out what I’m passionate about by doing those things.  I’ve applied for three internships and I am looking into some other opportunities as well.  Hopefully I’ll get some positive results.
  7. Go to the gym on the weekends…and if I like it, go more regularly.  Physical activity will help reduce stress and make me feel strong and powerful.  After going to the basketball game and seeing how muscular everyone was I have decided to work on my biceps.  I worked out in my room and today I may check out the gym…I’m kinda scared of going to the gym though because I’m so out of shape and I feel weird at the gym but for now the most important thing is sticking to my new workout routine and maybe one day I’ll be brave and venture to the gym.
  8. Post more on Instagram and Facebook (but avoid looking at my ex’s profiles).  By posting all the positive stuff in my life, when I feel sad I can look back at those posts and see all that I have accomplished, therefore empowering myself.  I kinda deleted my Instagram because it was negatively impacting my mood too much.  Now I’m just using Facebook except I don’t think it’s much better than Instagram in the sense that I’m always on it now when I should be enjoying my life more…I love that I have so much positivity on it because I follow a lot of positive quote accounts but I may need to slowly ween myself off of Facebook because I feel it is becoming toxic for me.
  9. Explore my sexuality by meeting new people.  Learn who I’m attracted to…have a better understanding of myself.  lol
  10. Write something that I’m grateful for everyday, as well as something positive and inspiring.  Put it on a sticky and carry it with me, and when I feel down, pull it out to remind myself of all the blessings that I have in my life and how I can do anything if I put my mind and heart into it.  I’ve been writing positive things on stickies and saving inspiring quotes to my phone and thanking important people in my life…these things have made me feel better for the most part.
  11. I still haven’t finished reading In My Skin: My Life On and Off the Basketball Court by Brittney Griner, but I’m almost done.  I watched part of the first episode of American Horror Story and it’s really creepy I don’t know if I can watch it haha

Anyway, that’s all for now.  Hope you guys have been enjoying your weekend and talk to you soon!

xo Vic

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