This weekend was amazing.
My girlfriend (we got back together on Monday, September 8th at like 2:30am) just left about a little bit ago. I feel really sad…like I started crying a little bit but I think that’s mostly because I’m homesick and now that she’s gone I’m alone again. But I do think a part of me is really sad because I’m scared because…I feel kinda ruined.
My girlfriend has had a lot of experience…she’s done break-ups and hook-ups and the works all before…but I haven’t. She’s my first everything and it’s terrifying because all of this that comes with the territory of intimacy and relationships is new to me and I’m experiencing it for the first time with her. To me, that is a big deal, not only because she’s my first everything but also because I don’t consider myself an easy person to get with. I need to feel safe with a person and like I can trust them in order to get involved in a relationship. Currently, however, I don’t feel completely safe with my girlfriend because of how I felt like she shut me out of her life before, which led us to breaking up…but I trust her more than anyone. Even if we broke up again I know she wouldn’t try to get vengeance or something horrible…I trust that she is a good person with morals, and she hasn’t done anything to make me feel otherwise.
Although I don’t feel completely safe and secure in our second chance as a couple yet, I feel safe when I’m with her. I wrote about it in the post about our first date…there’s just something about her that always makes me feel safe. Yeah, she’s way smaller than me at like 5’2″ but she’s strong and she always makes me feel protected, even when it’s not necessary. If we’re walking down the street and theres a group of guys that don’t appear like good company, she always puts herself in between me and them…it’s a little thing but I think it’s sweet and it shows that she cares.
I truly love her…I don’t want to be with anyone else ever. She’s my forever…not just because she’s my first love or anything…like I said before, I don’t consider myself an easy person to be with. I put a lot of thought into things before getting romantically involved, although things change and I can be wrong.
When we broke up, the last thing I thought about was meeting someone else. I feel like that’s a natural reaction for many people…want to get over someone, well get under someone else! But no…I was feeling like…if I can’t be with her, I don’t want to be with anyone else. At least for a long time…a long time. I’d put off dating until I get a job after college to avoid the exhaustion that breakups are to me. I cried so much when we were apart and I beat myself up…blaming myself for things I shouldn’t have. It was emotionally draining and I realized at that point that I’d rather wait to get my life completely settled before dating seriously again.
But anyway…yeah, she’s my forever. I’ve thought about it a lot…about “practical”stuff like how she doesn’t go to college, who knows if she’ll ever go back..meanwhile I believe in and love education. I’ve thought about how compatible we are emotionally and physically…I’ve thought many things that I believe are important. Additionally, my girlfriend has always said, almost since the beginning…that we’re meant to be together. I love hearing it and saying it…but after breaking up with her before and experiencing how fast feelings can change…like how someone that loved you yesterday doesn’t want to talk to you the next day…it’s scary. (But I realized that her feelings didn’t change, she just wasn’t being open…it was miscommunication. And she said the fact that we worked through that time apart and came back together like nothing ever changed affirms that we’re meant to be together). Today she also casually mentioned that we’ve been together for almost seven months, like that month apart didn’t happen. In my mind, that speaks volumes, like that time apart is just a blip in our relationship. In conclusion, I believe we’re great together…and like the song that she says is perfect for us…her forever is all that I need.
I have no idea what “forever” means to me though…I can’t really see ahead in time…I can’t even picture what I’ll be doing next summer. Right now, “forever” means just a handful of tomorrows…but in my heart I’m hoping those tomorrows will make it to the forever that people dream about.
Anyway, I’m going to shower and get some sleep now.