I’ve been back in school for awhile so my anxiety has come and gone but today my anxiety has been flaring up big time. I’ve been anxious all day. I’ve been able to distract myself for short periods of time but eventually it comes creeping back…I’ve been trying to relieve things that would cause my anxiety but two of the things are out of my control: I’m finally getting a roommate tomorrow and I’m really nervous and my ex reached out to me so we’ve chatted briefly and although we’re not talking or anything anymore, just the fact that she spoke to me has made me like…I feel kinda sad about reality I guess. Everything changes and although I love my life now, it makes me a little nostalgic to see how things have changed.
So to stop feeling nostalgic, I start thinking about my present but in the present I’m getting a roommate and I’m nervous about that…I’ve never shared a room with anyone for an extensive period of time…a club I was in was causing me major anxiety too but I quit that…but telling them that I was quitting gave me anxiety and then waiting for a reply…and school is scary and stressful. I’m taking more classes and harder classes…and clubs and friends and anxiety AnXiEtY ANXIETY!!
Right now I’m just trying to relax before bed by listening to this YouTube video, drinking Sleepytime tea, and I took some Valerian root pills before. I’ll bathe my bed with lavender scents as well because that’s a relaxing scent.
Anyway, I just wanted to write a little bit about what I’m feeling since writing is therapeutic for me. I hope everyone is doing well, I’ll try to read up on your blogs later since I’m too anxious to even read anything aside from my textbook.
Lost in a big sea
No one can find me or see
It’s a psychological circle of doom
Who can I turn to?
How do I navigate these waters, so blue?
My anchor is heavy
My heart feels empty
Alone and ashamed
Trying to find my way
Scared and confused
I don’t know what to do
© 2014 Vic Romero
I’ve spent a good potion of today sitting, sweating, and crying.
I’ve been sitting because I’ve been studying, or trying to study, sweating because it’s unusually hot for October and the heat is blasting inside, and crying for various reasons.
“Holy shit I just finished my first midterm, it wasn’t that bad…what if I thought it wasn’t that bad because I screwed it all up?? I don’t remember the last time I wrote so much ohmigod..what if I fail all the other midterms I take and all the hours I spent studying were pointless?? Shut up, I can do this! No I can’t. I wanna talk to Jess..can’t talk to Jess though. Can’t talk to my mom..what if I lose my scholarship?? Fuck, why did I have to get that?? I’m screwed..I need to be more independent I need money. I need Jess…fuck I’m gonna distract myself..why hasn’t she ever texted me instead she posted on Instagram. Lemme go on Facebook..really she’s hanging out with her friend?? At least it looks that way, what the fuck is her deal. God I feel nauseous..I have a paper due the same day as my exam and I haven’t finished studying all the material and Jess is ignoring me why is she avoiding me I need to talk to someone I just need someone but not her she doesn’t want me or need me I need to stop making myself miserable by looking at her fucking profile I need to get away from her I need to block her I need to stop I need to focus maybe I should block her number too, no but what if she needs me? Well too fucking bad I need to focus and study but no I can’t block her number I’ll just wait..and study..hopefully she’ll call me. She said she needs time for herself though I’m being selfish well why is she socializing with others why is she a liar I’m just stressed I don’t need to deal with this I should focus. But fuck I don’t know anything this is so hard why did I take this class maybe I should drop out I feel like I’m going to puke I need Coke I need Coke it’s so hot I need cold Coke.”
At least my lipstick looks good.
My m&ms are wet. I think that’s a good description of how awful my day has been.
It started off being really good…I ran into a friend on the way to the plenary, which was really inspiring. Then there was an activities fair, hot apple cider, and cotton candy. The weather was glorious and sunny…not that I got to enjoy it though.
I’m not a heavy weight lifter
But I have heavy things on my plate
If only I could
Make the bad things evaporate
Then the plate wouldn’t be so heavy
And I can stand tall
I would be less likely
To hurt myself if I were to fall
But the plate remains full
Of all that I carry
I must get stronger
So the heavy things won’t seem so scary
© 2014 Vic Romero
I had my first panic attack and it terrified me.
The words still sting
In hysteric rings
I want to let go
Jump off the swings
Stand on steady land
Because trouble brings
And heart strings
I feel like I’m choking
Feelings boil and bubble
Beneath tough skin
And from this anxiety, wringing
Has caused it to wear thin
© 2014 Vic Romero