My birthday was on the seventh of this month, which was a Monday. It sucked that my twenty-first was on a Monday, but because it was on a less than ideal day, my birthday wasn’t just a day, but a birthday week!
I woke up Monday ready to slay the world. I’ve been watching Arrow lately (it’s excellent if you haven’t checked it out) and I was particularly entranced by Helena. She was the mob leader’s daughter and was bad to the bone as well as wealthy. So my birthday look was inspired by her.
A quick update on some recent events: My little sister had her first-year orientation for college. I went to see Taylor Swift (who was AMAZING live) with one of my friends, I saw Magic Mike XL, I reconnected with one of my friends who I hadn’t seen in over six months, I saw a great firework show in my town, I will finally be finishing my sexual violence crisis response advocacy training next week, and summer camp has begun!
I am working with kids that are at-risk for racism, drugs, and violence. The summer camp is about utilizing art as healthy outlets for them.
I was really nervous about being a counselor because some of these kids are living and coming from challenging backgrounds that I have never experienced and I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to connect with them. My fears have been overcome because so far, it’s been great. All my fellow counselors are super supportive and amazing and the kids are great. I’m having a lot of fun teaching them and learning from them as well.
Although I can talk about the camp forever, I want to talk about the quote that I included in the beginning…
This quote by Max Ehrmann has been on every page of my agenda pad since the end of my first romantic relationship. It helped me stay positive and focused on my goals rather than focused on how many people in my life have treated me poorly. I still write this quote on every page and I still think about it when I begin to doubt myself. It wasn’t until recently, however, that I have embraced it as truth.
The past two days have been really good…Friday I went to the women’s basketball game and we won. Yesterday I spent the whole day in the library with my friend but we watched a bunch of movies later so that was nice…last night though I had a bad dream about my ex. She wasn’t in it much and we didn’t interact with each other…which is one of the reasons that it was bad. It was also a bad dream because I had many physical limitations…like I couldn’t move fast enough and/or I couldn’t talk or see…it was frustrating and difficult.
Regarding my ex, I feel very powerless about what happened between us which is probably why I dreamt feeling powerless when it came to her in my dream…I was physically unable to tell her how I felt and look at her…it was hard and depressing.
Yesterday when I was in the library I wrote my final letter to my ex under the advisement of my therapist. My therapist had suggested that instead of writing a “mature” letter, I should write something vulnerable. She didn’t say I had to send it but I think what I wrote is important for my ex to know. I’m going to share it with my therapist tomorrow and see what she thinks, and then when I drop off her stuff at her house during Thanksgiving break I’ll include my final letter.
The letter is vulnerable, strong, powerful, compassionate…I think it’s a really great letter and hopefully it’ll make these dreams of feeling restricted and powerless go away.
Anyway, just wanted to share that before I update my list to see what kind of progress I’ve been making…
It’s been about two weeks since I’ve made this list and I’ve been single for a month (although the first two weeks seemed more like a temporary break so I still felt committed to my ex).
It’s weird because I’ve spent most of 2014 with my ex and I’ve known her since 2013 and now she’s just completely gone from my life because that’s what she wants I guess but…it’s just weird. An adjustment on top of all the other adjustments I’ve been making since late August when I moved into my dorm at college.
I feel like I’ve been doing a lot better lately…there are times when I miss her a lot, times when I’m angry with her, times when I feel…like it’s hard to accept what happened because I don’t have much closure..but for the most part I’ve been so busy with school and getting more involved…connecting with friends…that those feelings quickly dissolve. If they don’t go away, I write about them so they can be out of my head.
Anyway, I just wanted to update this list…share what I’ve been doing to help me move on and other projects I plan on taking because I’m passionate about them and they make me happy.