Happy September 1st!
Jeez, I can’t believe it’s already September though. My senior year officially begins on Tuesday, which has caused my anxiety to spike tremendously once again. Unfortunately, my anxiety triggers cold sores on my lips at least once every season…they’re super painful and because tea tree oil is the only effective remedy to treat them, (tea tree oil, if used as frequently as possible throughout the day, tends to prevent cold sores from going through the whole two-week healing process and reduces it to a week or if you’re lucky to catch it early enough, a mere couple of days), my lips become super dry. Every year, I feel like I get them more and more easily, which is frustrating. I used to get them only if I didn’t sleep but now I get them whenever I go from calm to hella anxious and worried. Anyway….
Yes, I’m anxious because of school. I’m also anxious because I just came back from the dermatologist…I got a biopsy and now I have to go back in three months. My mom is currently at the doctor for her cancer…health issues are incredibly anxiety-inducing.
Additionally, it’ll be one year since my cousin passed in two days. I always think about her, but over the last couple of weeks, I have been thinking about her more frequently and I have been wanting to talk to her more than I usually do. Her parents planted a tree for her in the city where she was killed yesterday…I wish they had told us about that because I would’ve liked to go. It must’ve been a nice ceremony.
Have you ever learned something new about someone and then spend hours and hours reflecting on old memories and things they did or said that seemed weird to you just…make more sense? Or now you have a greater understanding of who they truly are?
The other day, my girlfriend opened up to me more about her past and…I’ve been reflecting on memories I have with her. My opinion about her hasn’t changed but…I feel closer to her because I feel like I know her a little better than before. And before I felt like I knew her pretty well so…it’s intense I guess. Intense in a good way.
Almost a year ago, I decided to try online dating.
I had no business being online…I wasn’t looking for a relationship, and at the time I was jailbait since I was a minor.
Regardless, I made an account…it was Christmas Eve. I was at a state of depression and hopelessness I had never felt before. I had lost all my friends the year before…some weren’t really friends though. But anyway…I was lonely. The two friends that remained suffered from depression…one was hospitalized and the other on medication. I was doing my best to help them out, but my feelings were…being neglected…because they had enough shit to deal with on their own.
The feelings that consumed my head regarded my loneliness…but also my sexuality. I had been questioning it for about two years, which was when I uprooted myself from organized religion and when I began to develop feelings for a close friend, whom I’m no longer friends with because I was so embarrassed by how I felt.