Of course, he had decided to take the highway. There was no traffic on the highway, so there was no stopping. He must’ve known that if there was an opportunity to jump out of the car, I would’ve taken it.
I slumped down further in the passenger seat, my arms crossed over my body protectively as his words sliced through my skin. He said we were having this conversation because he loves me, but I wasn’t feeling loved at all. It wasn’t even a conversation; it was a lecture. A lecture about me. About what’s wrong with me.
“If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.” -Mo Willems
I should’ve left that story sooner, but I didn’t. In my desperation to make things work, I hindered the natural development of multiple stories, ultimately hurting myself. But it wasn’t always painful. Being part of another story gave me a sense of (false) belonging I had lacked for the longest time as well as joyous memories…so I went through with torturously penning myself into the narration. I had convinced myself that the thrills of being part of that story were greater than the pains I suffered. I was wrong.
I don’t want to regret the events of 2014 because it has contained some of my favorite memories…but it also contains some of the worst. Maybe 2014 will be reflected on as a HUGE learning curve for me…as a year of life lessons. I don’t want 2015 to be the same way though…I don’t want to be in the wrong story again.
The last few days have been difficult because I was finally letting go of the story I clearly didn’t belong in and I thought I was losing some main characters in my own story too, but after some time and apologies, everything is okay. I hope everything is okay. It’s a little scary realizing how few characters I have in my story now that my story stands alone…meeting people I have good and true connections with is something I want to improve in 2015, in addition to who I am.
Thank you to anyone that commented kind things on my last post. I’m always around for anyone in need of a buddy as well.
I want to remember that I spent today smiling. I’ve been spending a lot of days smiling, actually. Smiling, laughing, and hugging. Although college is stressful sometimes, I’ve come a long way from feeling lost, scared, and alone. I’m happy now…I’m making great memories. I’m finding my way and I feel passionate and determined to excel and achieve my goals. I want to make new goals and dreams. I finished the dreaded freshman expository writing class with an A! I got an externship for spring break and I’m currently being considered for an internship for the entire spring semester where I may get college credit for it! People are impressed by me and I’m meeting so many people that inspire and challenge me to be even better than I am. I’m meeting new people everyday. I have great role models, connections, and support. I’m surrounded by love. I spent today smiling, laughing, and hugging…I’m done crying. I’m a different person than when I first came here, and I’m going to keep changing and growing to be better.
I’m hurting a lot.
The family that I feel I had last year…my support group…well it doesn’t exist anymore. At least it doesn’t feel like it.
My ex doesn’t even wanna be friends, my best friend rarely acknowledges my texts…all my other close friends are in different states far away and I feel alone because I haven’t established another solid support group.
I have friends, but I feel weird talking about things that are actually bothering me with them. I can talk to my RA about things that are bothering me, but I can’t really be friends with her because she’s my RA.
I feel alone…scared…and rejected.
This is a reflective essay I wrote for my English class. Thought I should post it on my blog…
Growing up as a Christian has drastically influenced my self-discovery and self-acceptance process. Up until freshman year, I attended church every Sunday, was involved in four youth groups, attended the VBS programs and when I was too old to attend, I volunteered at them. My first concert was even at a church featuring a famous Christian band. I loved the morals and values that Christianity upholds and I also loved the Christian community. However, I never felt as if I truly belonged in it. The conflicts that I felt within myself caused me to feel miserable and disconnected to God. Christianity did little to offer support and acceptance for what I was feeling; in fact, Christianity led me to hate myself.
No one knows
My inner heart
Where my feelings are conflicted
They all say “you’re in the closet”
But I feel more like I’m imprisoned
Trapped inside myself
Dark, solitary confinement
In the dark
I can still hear
The disgusting jeers
Violence and hate are used to create
Humiliation and shame
And loveless preachers preach that hell is a queer person’s fate
Yet the outed walk hand in hand with their dates
Pride shines on each face
I long to be with them
But for now, I’m safe
I’m behind bars
In the dark
Where it’s quiet
Where I’m surpressed
Passion and lust for love
Are all safe from hate
I hate that I have to “come out”
Why can’t a girl loving another girl be a norm?
It’s just the way some girls are born…
But even after many years
Many people coming out
And being proud
It’s still not widely accepted
In some places, being queer is not even talked about
At least I now know
And I can admit it
I like girls
I like them a lot
But journal, you’re the only one that knows
You’re the only one that I can
And it sucks that in this jail
I am alone.
© 2013-2014 Vic Romero
<<wrote this on 14 December 2013 before I came out to a few people…although I have come out to the most important people in my life (excluding my parents), I still feel like I’m in the closet (especially because my parents don’t know) but at least now I have people (and an amazing girl) to connect to and talk about my sexuality with. Anyway, below is the quote that inspired me to write this poem. The quote below that one is a great reflection of how I feel about my sexuality nowadays. Thank you for reading 🙂 >>
“They got it wrong when they called it “the closet.” This was a prison. Solitary confinement. I was locked inside, inside myself, dark and afraid and alone. (Chapter. 23)”
― Julie Anne Peters, Keeping You a Secret
“The best thing about coming out is, it’s totally liberating. You feel like you’ve made this incredible discovery about yourself and you want to share it and be open and honest and not spend all your time wondering how is this person going to react, or should I be careful around this person, or what will the neighbors say? And it’s more. It’s about getting past the question of what’s wrong with me, to knowing there’s nothing wrong, that you were born this way. You’re a normal person and a beautiful person and you should be proud of who you are. You deserve to live with dignity and show people your pride.”
― Julie Anne Peters, Keeping You a Secret
I look away, but the expression on your face
Is imprinted in my mind.
Eyebrows pulled together,
A stare that would set fire to the toughest of feathers
I’m being critically analyzed.
I retreat into the depths of my brain
To a place where I haven’t been in awhile…
I feel your voice try to lure me back,
But your soft tone only forces me forward,
Onto the train tracks.
I walk along them, refusing to look behind
It’s quieter here in my mind
No strange looks and no judgement
I follow the tracks to the summit
Peering down from the top,
The water crashes on the rocks
My heart is eager and my stomach drops
I plunge in
My body hits the water,
Burning as if it had fallen onto cement
The air in my lungs whooshes out
I gasp desperately, completely spent
Sinking lower and lower,
The water gets colder
And my body feels compressed into itself
I open my eyes,
Wanting to see one last thing before I die
And to my surprise
Mermaids thrive at the bottom
Swimming quickly, as if in full throttle
Many harmonize together,
Carefully braiding each others’ hair
Staring at me as I sink deeper into the depths of me
I blink at them, unsure of what to think
Then I remember that I’m drowning,
Without air, I cannot think
Why was I trying to escape me?
I kick my feet and pull myself through the water
The mermaids continue to swim and sing at the bottom
Just as I think my lungs are going to give up
I break the surface and see the sun
Dragging my body across the sand
I refuse to take a break, determined to get back to the real land
I stand, staggering toward the horizon
Along the way, I pass bison
Feasting on grass
I hop onto one, and with a slap
It hurtles forward, toward the train tracks
It then dumps me off, because it’s eager to get back to its pack
I sigh, glad that I made it back alive
Wading through the crevices of my mind
I reemerge on the other side…
Your hazel eyes are continuing to pry
Searching for answers,
Judging me for not telling an honest lie.
I confront your stare,
Aware of what awful things you’re thinking of me, but I no longer care
I am who I am,
That I can guarantee…
But who are you to judge me?
© Copyrights 2013/14 VicRomero