I’m so fucked. So, so incredibly fucked.
It was Sunday night. I made the boss I have huge crush on a mix CD after we had talked at work about bands that we liked…then I texted her asking if she was going to be at work on Tuesday morning because I was planning on going to my job to eat with a friend, and I wanted to give my boss the album.
Ever since that night I texted her, we have been talking…non-stop. Like…long messages.
I came out through text message to my friend…I’ll call her “Ariana.”
I met her two summers ago…June 2012. We did a week-long summer program at Barnard College in Manhattan. I had spent the first two nights alone, then I met her in the bathroom and asked if she wanted to hang out with me. Ever since then, we have been friends. Although we don’t live nearby each other, we try to get together every once in awhile. She currently goes to an all-women’s college five hours away.
Before she went to college, we met up in Manhattan and we were talking about sexuality. I had just disclosed all the details of my online fling and all the rebounds…and then we talked about what it would be like to go to a school where there are no men around. My friend is rather…sexual…? She likes to have a good time, especially with boys. She was a little nervous about the absence of boys, and then I said something about how she can always hook up with a girl. She said that she wouldn’t object to that. If she likes a woman, why not?
Ariana is cool. That’s why I felt the most comfortable coming out to her. I knew that she would be cool with it.
I just got back from a Board of Ed meeting. It was terrible. They kept going around in circles with their discussion. It was a waste of an hour.
Even all principals/administrators in the district were bored. Many were texting or sleeping or zoning out. It was pretty funny.
Since I’ve been coming to terms with my sexuality as well as discovering the other types of sexualities that exist, I have read a lot of books. I decided that I should list them and give brief reviews of them…maybe someone who is also discovering who they are will find this list to be helpful.
I have struggled with finding good LGBTQ books…specifically ones that have female main characters. I’m unsure if that’s because there aren’t that many books regarding lesbian relationships as there are gay relationships…but then again, there aren’t even that many books that deal with gay relationships. Anwho…this is what I have found and read thus far.
To speak up
To branch out
To have confidence
I am always full of doubt
To come out
Of the closet
To come clean
To be honest
I am afraid
Except fear itself
I hold it close
Fear has become my own
In order to protect me
From ever discovering
I’ve seen too many male, white asses in the past few days. Not from Internet porn or anything, just from living life.
The first time happened during the fall play. I was in the audience, laughing because the show was funny, when my friend’s white bum made an unwelcome appearance on brightly-lit stage.
Hanging around in the dark,
It’s small and crowded
And I’m surrounded
The tiny room bursts with clothes,
Which press up against my mouth
Preventing me from shouting out
I want to scream the truth!
But I’m so scared…
All I want is to be myself!
Living in this closet is a burden I can no longer bear.
© 2013 VicRomero
<<I wrote this…a little less than a year ago…kinda brushed my conflicting thoughts off with this poem>>