• Speaking My Mind

    What is a 20-Something Suburban Girl to Do?

    I am done suffering. I have sufficiently grieved my last relationship, suffered through a premature attempt at being friends, and I am now done with that chapter of my romantic life. I want to mingle with people…perhaps go on a casual date or two.

    I’m still not ready- or at least I think I’m not ready- to be in a serious relationship, but that’s irrelevant now anyway. I’m not in a position where getting serious with someone is even an option.

    So…dating. I haven’t dated in over two years, and I forgot how terrible it is. I’ve only just grazed my toes over the dating pool and I’m already not enjoying it. I haven’t even waded in to my ankles yet!

    The toe-grazing began a few weeks ago.

    I was feeling quite depressed one day and thinking about how hopeless my romantic life was, when a guy from my previous campaign job randomly reached out to me. Initially I thought he was trying to network because he was asking me what I was up to professionally…but then he invited me to visit him in the city, and that’s when the alarms started going off.

    Why does he want to hang out with me? Did he ask me out on a date? Is he dangerous?

    While I had worked with him before, we had a strictly email relationship, thus, I had never met him in person. This made it even more unusual and a little scary that he wanted to meet up.

    I called a different coworker, one who I actually knew in person and who was also friends with this guy, to get the inside scoop on this potentially creepy guy. My coworker affirmed that this guy is simply very friendly and no, he’s not dangerous or creepy, but yes, it could be a date. He said there was only one way to find out.

    Well, I went to find out! My sister, her friend, and I all drove into the city and we met up with this guy and his friend. It ended up being a super fun, casual night of chatting and getting to know each other. We did a little bit of bar hopping and then called it a night around midnight.

    I surprised myself because after that night, I began to really like this guy. During the months following the infamous breakup, I thought I was closed-off to being attracted to someone, but my sudden attraction to this guy proved me otherwise. My hardened, bitter heart was not that bitter or hard after all.

    Then I did what most people with crushes do: text their crush and obsess over their text messages. We didn’t text much, and I did most of the reaching out, but he had sent me a selfie and told me that he “enjoyed me.” I was super excited about this crush.

    The excitement spanned about two weeks before my crush was crushed by reality.

    We met up a second-time, but this time we met halfway. The whole thing was set for disaster: we met up on a Wednesday after work, aka the most exhausting day and time for working professionals with 9-5, M-F jobs. Plus we had both driven through tons of traffic.

    Overall, we had a nice time, but it wasn’t quite as glamorous or as enthralling as the night out in the city. I also later realized that we weren’t on the same page. It wasn’t a casual date. It wasn’t a date at all. He wasn’t attracted to me, or maybe he wasn’t attracted to how far away I lived from the city.

    Nevertheless, this rejection was a disappointing discovery. Rejection, however, is unfortunately integral to the dating process. If I want to start wading back into the dating pool, all the rejections need to drip away rather than drown me.

    A podcast I was listening to today explored rejection’s role in growth.

    “Rejection is redirection to your soul’s highest evolvement.” – Sahara Rose, Highest Self Podcast ep. 212: Even Stuff That Sucks is Redirection

    While rejection isn’t necessarily a negative thing, it doesn’t immediately resolve the issue of loneliness or wanting to meet new people or wanting to go out on dates.

    So what is a twenty-something suburban girl to do?

    The answer, my dear readers, is return to the dreaded world of online dating. I’m a little embarrassed, but I have four dating apps downloaded on my phone now. I’ve only been using one lately, and it’s been causing me to cross my fingers in the hopes that the non-creepy-email-city guy will suddenly be a teeny bit interested in me. Long story short- online dating is a nightmare.

    Dating apps aside, I’ve also been hanging out with my friends and reaching out to people I haven’t seen or talked to in months or even years. These people I’ve lost touch with are solely friends, but it’s interesting to reconnect. Not quite as thrilling as a crush, but it’s thrilling enough.

    Do you have any tips for mingling/dating? Let me know in the comments!

    Xx Vic

  • Poetry,  Speaking My Mind

    parasite

    i relinquished my power to you and my better judgement at my expense because your so-called love and cheap affection caused my heart to pound against the bones in my chest and you felt my heart jumping when you caressed my breast but you chalked it up to being in the moment although my feelings for you ran and still run much deeper and i ignored the warning signs and continued running as the descent got steeper and it all caught up to me when i tripped and fell and tumbled to my doom maybe we just met too soon otherwise you may have been feeling the same way too…but you don’t. you never did. why did i think that you did? did you change your mind? it feels like you have just been manipulating me all this time…and it’s not okay.  it’s not okay how you kept asking when i said “no” because i wasn’t going to change my mind at least not that night and it’s not okay how you reduced me to my body and it’s not okay for stringing me along leading me on convincing me that we’re something we’re not when you knew all along and you watched me comprised my wants and needs for this bullshit “friendship” like hell we were never friends and i’m still…unsure if i can keep trying to tie these loose ends don’t you see that you’re only hurting me why do i keep doing what you want you’re not the boss of me i want my fucking agency back because i’m tired of feeling mad and sad and anxious and scared this shouldn’t feel so hard and it shouldn’t hurt so much to cut you out you’re a parasite so get out of my sight get out get out get out

    © 2016 Vic Romero

  • Poetry,  Speaking My Mind

    parasite

    i relinquished my power to you and my better judgement at my expense because your so-called love and cheap affection caused my heart to pound against the bones in my chest and you felt my heart jumping when you caressed my breast but you chalked it up to being in the moment although my feelings for you ran and still run much deeper and i ignored the warning signs and continued running as the descent got steeper and it all caught up to me when i tripped and fell and tumbled to my doom maybe we just met too soon otherwise you may have been feeling the same way too…but you don’t. you never did. why did i think that you did? did you change your mind? it feels like you have just been manipulating me all this time…and it’s not okay.  it’s not okay how you kept asking when i said “no” because i wasn’t going to change my mind at least not that night and it’s not okay how you reduced me to my body and it’s not okay for stringing me along leading me on convincing me that we’re something we’re not when you knew all along and you watched me comprised my wants and needs for this bullshit “friendship” like hell we were never friends and i’m still…unsure if i can keep trying to tie these loose ends don’t you see that you’re only hurting me why do i keep doing what you want you’re not the boss of me i want my fucking agency back because i’m tired of feeling mad and sad and anxious and scared this shouldn’t feel so hard and it shouldn’t hurt so much to cut you out you’re a parasite so get out of my sight get out get out get out

    © 2016 Vic Romero

  • Short Stories,  Speaking My Mind

    Woo Me

    I ran into one of the friends that had said they were coming to my birthday bash but never showed up, at the dining hall.  She apologized..apparently her pre-party nap caused her to sleep through the whole party.  We ate breakfast together and chatted, it was really nice.

    I had met her at a party about a month ago because she was friends with a girl who was friends with my friend.  I liked her instantly and got her number, but I did not anticipate using it.  I didn’t think I was going to see her again and when I’m drunk, I tend to collect the phone numbers of people I talk to for at least a minute, and I don’t usually contact them again.

    But then I saw her again at another party and we talked the whole night.  She’s super attractive and has a sexy voice so when she informed me that she just had a nasty breakup with her boyfriend and that she’s bi, I wanted to be the one to make her forget all about him.

  • Poetry,  Speaking My Mind

    Sweet ‘N’ Sour

    I fell in love with your words,
    They gently caressed my ears
    Sending shivers up my spine

    I fell in love with your voice,
    Smooth and low
    Emitted from your lovely lips
    Which were frequently goofily smiling

    I fell in love with the way you said my name
    I could’ve heard it all day
    And your kisses were always sweet

    I fell in love with your eyes,
    A deep and hypnotizing green
    Penetrating into mine
    Seeing right through me

    I fell in love with your hands,
    Soft and big, the most perfect hands that I’ve ever seen
    Attached to arms, so strong
    Strong enough to hold me

    I fell in love,
    I fell in love easily
    But it was wrong,
    It was all wrong
    So eventually…

    I fell out of love with your hands,
    Cold and hard, they choked my heart cunningly
    Attached to arms, so strong
    But they refused to even hug me

    I fell out of love with your eyes,
    A stormy green
    Hiding secrets and lies
    Drowned me in your tsunamis

    I fell out of love with the way you said my name,
    Spat it out
    And your kisses soured in the new day

    I fell out of love with your voice,
    Hoarse and low
    That emitted from your bloody lips,
    Which were frequently demonically grinning

    I fell out of love with your words
    They seared my ears,
    Burning my entire body

    © 2013 Vic Romero

    #nightdwellers
    Thnks Fr Th Mmrs
    *inspired by the lovely Sam…thanks for inspiring me xx

  • Poetry

    done waiting

    liquid runs through my bony fingers and drips to the floor it feels warm in my hands and heavy i try to hold it steady as it continues to beat as it continues to pound in my fragile hands which pull it towards my chest and i feel it throb against my body ignoring the fluid drizzling down
    down
    down
    through my broken fingers as it rests in my shaking hands i admire every crevice and wrinkle and admire its tenderness but how it still feels strong and how for once holding this to me doesn’t feel wrong its pulsating vibrations syncing with my own and i continue to ignore the warm trickle through the cracks between my defrosting fingers

    allowing this heart to warm me up

    © 2015 Vic Romero

  • Speaking My Mind

    Update

    I slept poorly the night after I posted this blog about some future roommate/housing issues I was having.  Regardless of my sleep deprivation, I woke up an hour earlier than I had to to go to school so I could go to the ResLife office and resolve my concerns.  Unfortunately, I go to a big school so there are many campuses and offices.  The office I initially went to sent me to another office on another campus.  I went to the appropriate campus, but I couldn’t find the office.  A woman told me where to find it, but I didn’t have time to actually go to the office because I had my five-hour class.  This stressed me because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to speak with someone when I got out of class due to long lines that are more prevalent later in the day…plus, I was stressed because I was nearly running late to my class.

  • Speaking My Mind

    I Could Use A Couple Shots Right Now, Let’s Make This Tipsy Tuesday

    I’ve been listening to a ton of angsty music lately…like screamo and heavy metal.  I have always enjoyed this type of music, but I don’t usually listen to so much of it.  When I used to exclusively listen to this style of music, I was unhappy and angsty.  So it’s concerning me that all I want to listen to is angry music.

    Part of it may be due to being sexually frustrated.  I have been attracted to several people over the past year or so, but it hasn’t been reciprocated, until now.  It’s kinda frightening me and I keep questioning the situation as well as myself.

  • Short Stories,  Speaking My Mind

    Love Bites (ep. 3): What’s Your Name Again?

    I apologize that the second installment of this series has been delayed a week!  Nevertheless, here is the second publication.  If you haven’t already, read the first one here!

    The night was brisk but warm enough to walk without a coat. I crossed my arms over my chest as I walked down the vacant street with my friends, all of us expecting one last night to cut loose before the summer.

    I heard the base boom from the basement as we approached the house. Two people that stood on the front porch nodded at us as we made our way up the driveway.

    We walked down the stairs into the basement, the music and flashing lights washing over us.

    “Let’s grab a drink,” one of my friends said.  We all grabbed cups of beer from the bar and then shimmied over to the dance floor, my friend crooning the words to a Rihanna song into my ear.  As we approached the center of the dance floor, I noticed the cute, Latina girl from my sexualities class.  The one with the female symbol tattooed on her ring finger.

    She was chatting with a couple people in the corner of the room, a half-empty beer in her hand.  Her head fell back as she laughed, her mouth wide open and eyes closed.  I confidently strode up to her, leaving my friends behind.

    “Hey, Ronnie!” I called to her over the blaring music.

    When she noticed me, her face lit up and she grinned.  “Oh my god, heyyyy!”  She pulled me into a one-armed hug, her hand lingering on my lower back when we pulled away.  “How are you?”

  • Short Stories,  Speaking My Mind

    Love Bites (ep. 4): Simply Peachy

    I haven’t written stories in awhile, so I decided to start it up again with this short series about my love interests during my first year at school.  The title of this series, Love Bites, is taken from one of my favorite NBC shows that unfortunately got cancelled. Similarly to the show, these stories are independent of each other, but they all have this common theme of love and lust, and they intertwine because of my presence in each story.  I am publishing the Love Bites series Star Wars-style, which is my way of saying that I’m publishing the series backwards.  So this story is the last story in the series, and the first story will be released last.  A story will be released every Monday at 11am eastern, so stay tuned and enjoy!

    I checked my watch.  I checked my phone.  I checked the clock in the lounge.  All sources read the same time: 8:37pm, but she was nowhere to be found.

    I sighed and looked out the window a fifth time and movement caught my eye.

    Finally.

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