I randomly decided to listen to a podcast I used to jam to quite a bit called, Truth + Dare. It’s hosted by two women and they talk about real stuff honestly. The one I started listening to yesterday was about how to overcome setbacks. One of the women talked about how they utilize Netflix as a means of distraction rather than actually dealing and working through the challenge.
And then it hit me: I’ve been distracting myself a lot lately. I’m not watching a ton of TV or crocheting just because it’s fun (although it is) but I’m avoiding stuff.
I spent today thinking about this more and I’m avoiding myself. My feelings. I’m trying different activities to temporarily placate my anguish, but I’m not working through it.
After I had a mediocre job interview the other day and was unnecessarily mean to my sweet parents, my sister confronted me and I had my first real talk toward self-improvement.
Everything has felt so miserable. I haven’t done anything fun because of school, which I’m not doing too well in anyway…my bestie didn’t come to visit me for Halloweekend this year and I’ve been spending most of my weekends wallowing in my room. I can’t wait for this semester to end and to graduate, but when that happens, I’ll be going back home and I won’t be seeing my girlfriend nearly as frequently. Our relationship will change because we’ll be in two different places, both physically and emotionally. We only live about an hour away from each other but if I’m working full-time (at this rate, I won’t be because I stopped applying for jobs) and she’ll be at school full-time…we’ll have different, busy schedules. I don’t think it’ll negatively impact our relationship but I’ll just miss seeing her every day and I’ll miss spending as much time together. I also won’t be seeing my sister as much…I’ll miss being at school with her.
My birthday is tomorrow and my sister and I may not have a voice due to laryngitis caused by allergies. Dinner with our parents will be incredibly silent. This happened to me last February for the first time since elementary school, and I was hoping it wouldn’t happen again but alas, it appears it will.
I’m quite sad that tomorrow is my birthday…I am not where I want to be. Then again, I’m never satisfied with where I’m at. Why is that? What will it take for me to be happy, even if I’m not “the best?” Why make myself miserable? How can I change the way I value my life so that I’m positive and kinder to myself? Perhaps value societal expectations of me less? Perhaps value academic excellence less? Perhaps value the way I feel about myself more? How do I go about valuing myself more?
Anyway…I went to the city on Saturday to combat all this negativity. I went with my girlfriend because we had been talking about wanting to go for forever but for one reason or another, we haven’t been together yet. It was pretty spontaneous because we kept going back and forth with it but then we both got train tickets and hopped on the train and we were off!
In this month, I’ve come out to my parents a second time, my parents met my girlfriend, and I also got into my first fight with my girlfriend.
By “coming out” a second time, I just told my parents that I had a girlfriend. My dad handled it better than my mom…not that my mom handled it terribly this time though. My mom basically worried about my safety and my future, meanwhile my dad focused more on the fact that I can tell him anything and that he loves me.
As the dark overtakes the day
Look at your hands
They’ve caused so much damage
And there’s little else to do
Except to wait
For the end to come
The point where you’ll stop having fun
But then again
You’ve stopped having fun a long time ago
© 2014 Vic Romero
stupefied stares and angry glares are all the eye contact that is shared from exposing the truth in hopes to improve my relationships but instead the truth left a goddamn huge black and bruise and it only ignited the matches it didn’t diffuse i only want them to accept to approve but instead i’m perceived as taboo and i’m accused of feeling of doing things that i haven’t done why did i unleash my tongue i should’ve kept it behind my lips to avoid being shunned and shoved into the corner facing the wall like i’m a kid in trouble and what good does it do to put your daughter in a bubble and pretend it all doesn’t exist and to pretend that it’ll all go away by ignoring it that it’s as easy as forbidding it that it’s as easy as pie but it’s not we’re all living a lie
© 2014 Vic Romero
I now have twenty-two followers
On my new Tumblr
And I probably have diabetes
At least I know I don’t have melanoma
According to my new, hot doctor
How much disappointment
Can she swallow?
Shut up and don’t wallow
Dammit, she hasn’t texted me back
At least not yet
She must be busy
All this porn is making me dizzy
Horny as hell
And it’s freaking Christmas morning
My grandpa is sexting me
-I mean texting me
From across the room
I think her and I belong together
Like peanut butter and jelly
In her Facebook pictures, she looks so sexy…
Santa brought me naughty panties
Never mind this
Reblog the pornographic gifs
I’m so sick of this piece of shit
Wow, those are big tits
I feel like reminiscing a bit…
No, bad idea
Anyway, I’m over it
Discarded like trash
I’m used to it
Dammit, she still hasn’t texted me back
I’m selling my soul again
Downloaded a new app
Fuck this, I’m taking a nap
Blast my ears with this techno crap
Until this fucking holiday break is over
© 2013 VicRomero
Frantically wiping away her fingerprints
I want to see through clear lenses
But her fingerprints seem to have left permanent stains
I cannot wipe them away
And I hate it
Maybe I’m just horny
I’m not gay
I’m “normal” not “weird”
It’s all bullshit
Or my lack of one
One that is definite
It does not define who I am
Yet I spend half my time
Harping on it
Thinking about it
When I’m not thinking about her
Yeah, I spend a lot of time thinking about another girl
Dreaming of…I can’t even fucking say it
I hate this
And then coming out…
Is there anything to really talk about?
Maybe I’m just horny
I’ll just sext Jake
He’s probably up
It’s not too late
I don’t know
I hate this
And I can’t see
Because my glasses are foggy
From her fucking fingerprints