• Speaking My Mind

    More Lavender and Tea Tree Oil, Please

    Happy September 1st!

    Jeez, I can’t believe it’s already September though.  My senior year officially begins on Tuesday, which has caused my anxiety to spike tremendously once again.  Unfortunately, my anxiety triggers cold sores on my lips at least once every season…they’re super painful and because tea tree oil is the only effective remedy to treat them, (tea tree oil, if used as frequently as possible throughout the day, tends to prevent cold sores from going through the whole two-week healing process and reduces it to a week or if you’re lucky to catch it early enough, a mere couple of days), my lips become super dry.  Every year, I feel like I get them more and more easily, which is frustrating.  I used to get them only if I didn’t sleep but now I get them whenever I go from calm to hella anxious and worried.  Anyway….

    Yes, I’m anxious because of school.  I’m also anxious because I just came back from the dermatologist…I got a biopsy and now I have to go back in three months.  My mom is currently at the doctor for her cancer…health issues are incredibly anxiety-inducing.

    Additionally, it’ll be one year since my cousin passed in two days.  I always think about her, but over the last couple of weeks, I have been thinking about her more frequently and I have been wanting to talk to her more than I usually do.  Her parents planted a tree for her in the city where she was killed yesterday…I wish they had told us about that because I would’ve liked to go.  It must’ve been a nice ceremony.

  • Speaking My Mind

    Late Night or Early Morning

    It’s past 4am as I write this. I’m a little delirious but I’m okay with it…I haven’t been this weird mix of sad and exhausted in several years. 

    I’ve been partly too busy to write and partly not having anything to write about..those are the lies I’ve been telling myself. The reality is, at twenty years old, I have finally found some solid friends to confide in and I therefore haven’t truly needed to write to express myself because I’m able to do that with my friends. And yeah, my life has been mundane lately too..maybe if I had some drama going on, I would feel more inspired to be creative and to write more in general. But I don’t need to have drama going on to write..I need to realize this. There have been tons of things going on in the different realms of my life…my jobs, school, family, friends..my health, my fears and fantasies…hell, dating!! I’ve been talking about all of these issues with my friends, but I haven’t been writing them down. And I should! I shall! 

    So…first aspects of my life I want to talk about. My health and…maybe I’ll touch upon my fears and fantasies because some of them relate to my health. 

    I’m having surgery done on Monday for what is probably not melanoma but isn’t a normal birthmark…it’s on my foot so I won’t be able to walk too well for a couple of days..hopefully not more than a week. 

    I went to my annual dermatologist checkup and I fucking hated that office. It took me two weeks to make the appointment in the first place because the secretary never answered the phone and they never called me back, although I left voicemails. My mom thought the office closed down! Eventually I got ahold of the office and I made an appointment for two months later, because that was all they had. My appointment was a couple of days ago and..everybody at the office is unfriendly. They’re unfriendly and fucking robots because they’re not humorous. It’s horrible. 

    But basically, the doctor (who I used to think was super attractive but now I dislike her too much) was like “you should have that removed” and then I ran out of there and drove home full of anxiety, fear, and tons of tears. I called my mom and later got into a stupid fight with her because I was being irrational and emotional. 

    The next day, my mom took me to get a second opinion and I cried again there. And then skin cells were scraped off my body and my mom made me an appointment to have the surgery. 

    It’s fabulous because I’m in school now and I’m working…getting around requires tons of walking because I’m in an urban environment. Now my mom is taking off of work in preparation to be my chauffeur. It’s going to be rough. 

    Aside from that…July 4th I made the drunken mistake of buying a pack of cigarettes and ever since…I’m trying not to be addicted. I smoked maybe…three of the first pack and then broke the rest but then…

    I’m a very anxious person and the other day when I was walking to class from my apartment, I was incredibly anxious. I walk with my hands balled in fists in preparation to pop anyone in the jaw or head or wherever I can reach!! People try to talk to me when I walk down the street, I don’t like it. They loiter and they look at me and sometimes they catcall at me and..so I get anxious. Then there was a guy I thought was walking too slowly so I got nervous and plus, it was rush hour so I was horrified crossing the street. But not horrified enough to go to the convenient store and buy a ridiculously expensive second pack of cigarettes. All I could think about was smoking one to calm me down…if I didn’t have this stupid credit card (I got a credit card in May for my trip) I wouldn’t have been able to entertain lethal, expensive, nasty habits. I would’ve only been able to consider trying yoga or something free and healthy! 

    I need to quit this..mild addiction but addiction nonetheless. If I’m terrified to have an outpatient surgery, why would I pick up a terrible habit that would most definitely result in me having an inpatient surgery, if I’m lucky enough to live. 

    I haven’t been the smartest lately…maybe part of the reason is that, aside from stress and anxiety, I’ve been extremely bored. And I’m alone most of the week when I’m at school. I am totally embodying a spoiled brat attitude right now, and I hate myself for it but it’s at least partly true. 

    Anyway, I’ll leave this post as it is since it’s long enough. 

    -Vic

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