• Speaking My Mind

    In Need of a Tow Truck

    “I’m not just taking trips down memory lane; I’m broken down on it.”

    -Pete Wentz, Gray

    Ever since I posted my most recent blog, I’ve been reflecting a ton on my past.  I read through nearly every post on here, which is around 400 posts, and I’ve been going through old photos…I usually wouldn’t think too much of it but all this reflecting has been keeping me up at night.  So…I just wanted to comment on what I’ve been thinking about.

    I’ve been thinking about coming out again which caused me to reflect on my journey that led up to it as well as what transpired after I came out the first time.  (Speaking of which, I wrote this interesting creative piece with an analysis about it for a class last fall.  I will share it here eventually).  I’ve been thinking about my previous relationship, friendships…and how my relationship with people that are still in my life, family included, have changed.  I’ve been thinking about my senior year in high school, how I want my senior year in undergrad to go, and about what I want to do after I graduate.

    None of these things are bad thoughts…but it’s a lot of thinking and it’s impacting my focus on the responsibilities that I have now and how I feel throughout the day.  I’m worried, anxious, I brood…I’ve had enough.  Especially because these thoughts keep me up until 3am and I can’t continue to have these sleepless nights.

    Anyway…I hope by tonight or tomorrow I will be able to resume my life in the present…no more trips down memory lane for me.

    Also, a good update: my stitches are out and the lab results are fine!  I have another doctor’s appointment tomorrow at a new place because the current office I’ve been going to has an awful environment.  I’ve only spoken to the people at the new place on the phone but they’re already significantly more pleasant!

    Which reminds me of a theme that is apparent in my writing that I’ve noticed since I’ve been rereading it all: don’t accept where you are if you are unhappy.  Right now, after this brutal semester, I feel pretty happy.  I’ve been productive, social, and working on myself.  I’m a little stressed about what’s to come, but I don’t want to focus too much on that anyway.  I want to focus more on the present…take it day by day.

    -Vic

  • Speaking My Mind

    Late Night or Early Morning

    It’s past 4am as I write this. I’m a little delirious but I’m okay with it…I haven’t been this weird mix of sad and exhausted in several years. 

    I’ve been partly too busy to write and partly not having anything to write about..those are the lies I’ve been telling myself. The reality is, at twenty years old, I have finally found some solid friends to confide in and I therefore haven’t truly needed to write to express myself because I’m able to do that with my friends. And yeah, my life has been mundane lately too..maybe if I had some drama going on, I would feel more inspired to be creative and to write more in general. But I don’t need to have drama going on to write..I need to realize this. There have been tons of things going on in the different realms of my life…my jobs, school, family, friends..my health, my fears and fantasies…hell, dating!! I’ve been talking about all of these issues with my friends, but I haven’t been writing them down. And I should! I shall! 

    So…first aspects of my life I want to talk about. My health and…maybe I’ll touch upon my fears and fantasies because some of them relate to my health. 

    I’m having surgery done on Monday for what is probably not melanoma but isn’t a normal birthmark…it’s on my foot so I won’t be able to walk too well for a couple of days..hopefully not more than a week. 

    I went to my annual dermatologist checkup and I fucking hated that office. It took me two weeks to make the appointment in the first place because the secretary never answered the phone and they never called me back, although I left voicemails. My mom thought the office closed down! Eventually I got ahold of the office and I made an appointment for two months later, because that was all they had. My appointment was a couple of days ago and..everybody at the office is unfriendly. They’re unfriendly and fucking robots because they’re not humorous. It’s horrible. 

    But basically, the doctor (who I used to think was super attractive but now I dislike her too much) was like “you should have that removed” and then I ran out of there and drove home full of anxiety, fear, and tons of tears. I called my mom and later got into a stupid fight with her because I was being irrational and emotional. 

    The next day, my mom took me to get a second opinion and I cried again there. And then skin cells were scraped off my body and my mom made me an appointment to have the surgery. 

    It’s fabulous because I’m in school now and I’m working…getting around requires tons of walking because I’m in an urban environment. Now my mom is taking off of work in preparation to be my chauffeur. It’s going to be rough. 

    Aside from that…July 4th I made the drunken mistake of buying a pack of cigarettes and ever since…I’m trying not to be addicted. I smoked maybe…three of the first pack and then broke the rest but then…

    I’m a very anxious person and the other day when I was walking to class from my apartment, I was incredibly anxious. I walk with my hands balled in fists in preparation to pop anyone in the jaw or head or wherever I can reach!! People try to talk to me when I walk down the street, I don’t like it. They loiter and they look at me and sometimes they catcall at me and..so I get anxious. Then there was a guy I thought was walking too slowly so I got nervous and plus, it was rush hour so I was horrified crossing the street. But not horrified enough to go to the convenient store and buy a ridiculously expensive second pack of cigarettes. All I could think about was smoking one to calm me down…if I didn’t have this stupid credit card (I got a credit card in May for my trip) I wouldn’t have been able to entertain lethal, expensive, nasty habits. I would’ve only been able to consider trying yoga or something free and healthy! 

    I need to quit this..mild addiction but addiction nonetheless. If I’m terrified to have an outpatient surgery, why would I pick up a terrible habit that would most definitely result in me having an inpatient surgery, if I’m lucky enough to live. 

    I haven’t been the smartest lately…maybe part of the reason is that, aside from stress and anxiety, I’ve been extremely bored. And I’m alone most of the week when I’m at school. I am totally embodying a spoiled brat attitude right now, and I hate myself for it but it’s at least partly true. 

    Anyway, I’ll leave this post as it is since it’s long enough. 

    -Vic

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