My sister and my girlfriend are going back to school this week, and for the first time in about seventeen years, I am not doing the same.
Since I am no longer a formal student at an American institution, I’ve been reflecting a lot on who I am.
Who am I without school?
I’m still determining how to answer this question, but I started by creating a more detailed “about me” page. It was fun to do and while it’s not comprehensive by any means, I think it was a good place to start.
Additionally, in the last week or so, I’ve been doing some things that I’ve put off because I was busy in school. For example, I’ve finished two books recently. I’m working on finishing two more before reading or buying a new one.
The biggest way I’ve attempted to answer my question is by deciding not to rush grad school. It was a little scary to come to this decision because I find school comforting in the sense that I know what goal I have to achieve: to graduate. The means are provided as well such as you have to take classes and study. Without school, my goal is more focused on becoming self-sufficient… I need a job to do that but the types of jobs I can have are innumerable! To me, this goal is quite a bit more overwhelming.
I want to tackle this goal, thus, I won’t be applying for grad school until next fall at the earliest.
Delaying grad school would also allow my work experiences and whatever else I experience to influence which grad program I will eventually pursue. I still plan to take the GREs this year but instead of taking them in November, I will take them in December or January.
In regards to jobs…I’ve had a ton of first interviews but it’s been slow to hear back about second interviews. I’m going to follow up with some places this week to see where I am at as a prospective employee. I will also begin to apply for part-time jobs so I don’t deplete my savings waiting for a full-time job.
Some part-time job opportunities include teaching yoga. I’ve been postponing looking for yoga jobs in person lately but I’ll have to resume it. I just created a class about creativity because it’s something I’ve been struggling with lately, and I’m super excited to teach it! I have to fine-tune some things still, but it feels good on my body and I think it’d feel good to others too.
I’ve been struggling with my creativity because I haven’t been using it to its full-extent these days. This is definitely partially attributed to school, which is one reason not being a student will be good for me because unless you allot time for creativity, school really hinders it. I was fortunate to have time to take two creative writing courses last year, but it has been difficult to maintain the drive to be creative because I was thrust from the cocoon of being a student to suddenly being a graduate who needs a job and wants to go to grad school and needs to study and…I was putting way too much on my plate.
Once I decided to postpone grad school another year, I allowed myself the time to breathe and to allow my creative mind to flow. In fact, I’ve been dreaming a lot at night these days, which I think is a good sign. One thing I need to work on though is disconnecting from the internet before and after bed, because that definitely stifles creativity. Instead I want to reintegrate meditation for at least 10 minutes everyday. My goal is to then create something every three days.
There are some other things I want to talk about and share, but perhaps that’ll be for a different time.
I got into a horrible fight with my mom on the last day of spring break. She had gotten back from a difficult medical seminar and she was trying to relax at home when I came downstairs from my bedroom to sit with her and my sister. It was late, around 10:30pm, and they were planning the family trip to Disney to celebrate my graduation.
I was joking with my sister and mentioned how I was turning twenty-three this year, which prompted my mom to ask me what I am doing with my life. Assuming she was joking too, I responded that I don’t know (which is pretty true though). For some reason, this response instigated the fight, which was essentially about how I need to get a job and how I’m not doing enough and how what I’ve been doing my entire college career has been a waste of time.
I made a wish last night on an airplane,
Since the city lights tend to conceal the shooting stars
I wished that I could forget everything
And just be wherever you are…
But no matter how many planes fly,
Or how tightly I cross my fingers,
If I keep on wishing,
I’ll only find myself unsuccessful and bitter
Because wishes don’t come true when made upon planes,
Nor do they come true upon stars
The whole concept of wishing is merely a fallacy
Although the idea makes for a lovely fantasy
So I’ll leave my wishing alone for now,
It’ll have to come true by my own means, somehow.
I’ve been training to be a sexual violence response advocate for the past three weeks, and it’s been very difficult. Aside from the material itself being upsetting, the training has triggered unpleasant memories as well. I’ve also had multiple nightmares about being drunk.
I have one more week of winter break and then I’m back to school, and I honestly can’t wait. I’m excited to start the spring semester and experience all that college has to offer both academically and socially for me. I feel so different already after one semester, some people that I haven’t seen since I went to college noted how I’ve changed a bit and I can’t wait to change even more. I’ve been feeling so positive and upbeat lately, it’s so refreshing after having been bogged down by a ton of bullshit during my first semester. Lately, through the advice of my best friend, I’ve just been letting bad thoughts go rather than dwelling on them…and doing that was much easier than I thought.
This semester is going to be a little harder than last semester but I know I’m going to get through it because I’ve proven to myself time and time again that I can do anything. I just need to try.
Anyway, I plan on going back to writing more once my break ends but for now I just want to relax. I hope everything is going well for everyone!
I had an epiphany last week and ever since I’ve been feeling a lot more upbeat…granted I still feel sad once in awhile but for the most part I’ve been a whole lot better. The passing of time may have contributed to me feeling more content as well but anyway…I just wanted to share my thoughts.
I’ve realized that it’s okay to still be upset about how things fell apart with my ex, but I shouldn’t let feeling sad about that hinder me from doing and achieving things. I’ve also learned the power of gratefulness…acknowledging people that are in your life and have stuck by your side is a really heartwarming realization and it feels really good to say ‘thanks’ and make them feel appreciated. Valuing those people that are truly there for you, both new and old, rather than that one person that doesn’t seem to give a shit about you anymore is helpful to stop you from feeling so upset about a breakup or an exfriend…by acknowledging and appreciating the people that are in your life rather than that one person that left makes you feel loved and worthy of love. I follow a lot of “positive quote” Facebook accounts and it’s nice having my entire feed be flooded with inspiration and positivity. Most of the quotes and pictures have provided me with some comfort and have helped me move forward. Being surrounded by inspiring, powerful women that I look up to and want to be like has been really helpful too…seeing all the opportunities that are available to me at college and how they can help me become like these strong women are motivating. Seeing how my role models interact with people…romantically or just as friends…and seeing what they do to achieve their goals has given me a model for what I want/what I should do to get to that point. Wearing clothes that make me feel attractive, strong, or whatever adjective I want to feel, has helped me look at myself positively in the mirror rather than seeing a lost loser girl…appearances aren’t everything but for me, the way I look affects my mood and my mood affects the way I dress so if I pick out something that I like to wear and that makes me feel beautiful then I’ll generally feel happy and then I’ll pick empowering outfits for the rest of the week and stuff. Wearing things that make me feel good causes me to smile more, which instantly boosts my mood, and sometimes people will compliment me on my outfit or makeup and it makes me feel even happier.
Not only has all these little epiphanies enabled me to be less sad about my ex, but it also has helped me overcome feeling so lost at college and it has given me more solid goals for my future, which will help me get more assimilated and stuff so yeah…I’ve just been finding a lot of role models and inspirational things in my life and finding happiness in the small things, like conversations with strangers on the bus. It has helped me feel more positive and I think feeling positive attracts people to approach you and communicate with you so then you end up feeling even happier…it’s a win-win.
I hope some of my epiphanies will help you guys, girls, and everyone in-between find strength in yourselves and strive for your dreams…also, LOVE YOURSELF…it’s a process and you’re not always going to love yourself but trying to do so will improve your life dramatically. Hope you’re all having a great weekend, stay safe and warm! xo
My lullaby is her soft breathing as she soundly sleeps..I cocoon myself tightly in the bed sheets, wishing she was here taco-ed in my bed with me. I close my eyes and imagine how’d she lay..her body would be sprawled on top of me, with my chest used as a pillow for her soft right cheek…
Through the line, I hear her breathing stop for a moment..the sound of the line crackling bursts in my ears. I hold my breath for a minute…and then finally her breathing is all I hear.
I release the breath I’ve been holding, and meditate to her quick, quiet breaths. It’s late, I should also be sleeping…it’s late, I should also be dreaming.
But it’s hard to sleep when there’s a painful dagger in your chest, the same chest on which the beautiful angel rests. I close my eyes, fighting the urge to cry.
It’s late, I should really just go to sleep…it’s late, I should just turn off my mind and let my subconscious overtake me.
My consciousness, however, remains..it replays the nightmarish events from earlier that day. The disappointment, the mistakes..the misunderstandings…and although it all feels scary, my greatest fear is of me pushing her away…the thought of her leaving restarts the pain.
Instead of counting sheep, I count the breaths she takes while she sleeps…it helps numb the pain from the dagger that is stuck in me.
It’s late, and eventually my eyes flutter close..it’s late, and eventually my dreams take control..but it’s too late to undo the nightmare I’ve created in my home.
I’m the only one awake in this undesirable reality while she is dreaming peacefully sleeping I wish I could go there easily but I can rarely sleep I’m an insomniac maybe I’m negative maybe I’m depressed maybe and she constantly tells me I’m insane a pain for her brain and so she sleeps to rid herself of the fucked up reality I always mention I always speak and it’s okay I guess, it’s expected because she’s Sleeping fucking Beauty and one day maybe the princess will be (preferably consensually) kissed on her perfect fucking pink lips by some piece of shit prince and awoken from her beautiful dreams of an ideal reality, permanently…maybe but hopefully not.