I’m taking the train instead of driving today, which is pretty nice because I can relax and write a little bit about what’s been on my mind lately.
The yoga training program has been exhausting me, thus I missed writing this week. I also have been really missing my girlfriend. We have conflicting schedules at the moment so we only get to see each other for about three hours once or twice a week. I realize this is more contact than some relationships get but regardless, it’s still difficult.
In addition to these emotional and physical stressors, I’ve been thinking about what I want to do after this training more because the graduation date is near. I’ve also been thinking about what I need to do to support myself. I want to apply to part-time positions and to teach yoga on the side while I apply to graduate schools.
I’ve really been procrastinating the graduate program part, not because I don’t want to go to grad school but because I wish I didn’t want to go to grad school. I know it’s going to be a lot of hard work, regardless of the field I pursue. It’s also going to take a lot of work to get into a program. My girlfriend believes I’m afraid, which I definitely am…so this is where the “capital-Y, Yoga,” as my instructor calls it, comes in. I need to start taking the lessons I’ve been learning through Yoga philosophy and my asana practice into my everyday life, particularly into my dharma.
Dharma is a Sanskrit word that means something along the lines of purpose or duty. Right now, my short-term dharma is to do the work to figure out what my next move is. Additionally, from my perspective right now, I believe my over-arching dharma is to teach.
Next week I only have two days of yoga training so I will have an ample amount of time to study for my exam as well as to apply for job opportunities and take my higher education more seriously. Next Sunday is my deadline for graduate program research. I want to find three programs I am interested in.
Is there anything you’ve been procrastinating that you want to work on too? Let me know in the comments below!
Of course, he had decided to take the highway. There was no traffic on the highway, so there was no stopping. He must’ve known that if there was an opportunity to jump out of the car, I would’ve taken it.
I slumped down further in the passenger seat, my arms crossed over my body protectively as his words sliced through my skin. He said we were having this conversation because he loves me, but I wasn’t feeling loved at all. It wasn’t even a conversation; it was a lecture. A lecture about me. About what’s wrong with me.
she grabs me by my waist and kisses me
i want her so bad i feel dizzy
but i’m sorry, my phone keeps going off
i must answer it, i am scared to get caught
her kisses down my neck are distracting
as i dig in my purse, my phone i’m extracting
i must answer it
i must break away from this kiss
before the phone call i miss….
i push her away and answer my phone
my mom is on the other end, wondering when i’m coming home
“the mall has closed two hours ago
“why are you still out, are you alone?”
with a heavy sigh
“no, i am with a friend
“my coworker, jess
“remember i mentioned her…”
she replies, “sure i guess”
she tells me to come home soon
“it’s getting late, you have school tomorrow, you should be asleep in your room”
i hang up, and adjust my clothes
i tell jess that i have to go home
and then she turns up the music and goes
i sit in the passenger seat
thinking about all the lies i’ve hissed through my teeth
i feel lost again, i want to be found
© 2014 Vic Romero
I don’t know why I never published this…I hope you enjoyed it 🙂
TRIGGER WARNING: suicide
I’ve been training to be a sexual violence response advocate for the past three weeks, and it’s been very difficult. Aside from the material itself being upsetting, the training has triggered unpleasant memories as well. I’ve also had multiple nightmares about being drunk.