I don’t feel well…I’m so anxious and high-strung about this surgery in a couple of hours. I’ve been like this all day…I stayed up until 4:30am then slept in until 11:30am. I lounged in my pajamas all day, sitting in the same spot for twelve hours trying to focus long enough to do homework but failing miserably. I stink, my mom has been coddling me more than she usually does…everybody has been extra nice and it’s weird. Any little thing will piss me off right now…and I got into a fight with my mom earlier about doctors and my surgery.
I feel so inadequate…I kinda fucked up. I don’t tell my mom anything and she’s mad because she thinks I should’ve detailed her my doctor’s appointments to have possibly avoided this melanoma scare. I am pissed for being made to feel inadequate and I’m pissed because she’s partly right. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I can’t focus on anything..I got maybe an hour of homework done today despite having sat with it in front of me for twelve fucking hours. My irresponsibility when it comes to both my health and my academics is just making me…want to disappear into the night. How nice would it be to run off somewhere right now? But running away doesn’t erase any problems…it would make things more complicated.
God, I want a cigarette. And drugs. Anything would be nice right now…anything that would make this morning zip by and that would fuck with my consciousness. Because I feel terrible. Maybe I feel a little better than when I first started this post, but I still feel like my insides are twisting and choking me from the inside.
My internship is coming to a close today and I’m already a little sad about it. I wasn’t expecting to be sad because I thought I would dislike it because 1) I’m working with kids, and I don’t particularly like kids and 2) these kids experience things that I have never had to. For example, some of them may be/have been/or will be recruited to join a gang. They may have had personal exposure to violence and drugs. An officer came in to talk to me and the other counselors during our training about how some of them may have tattoos, despite the oldest of them being fourteen. I felt unprepared to handle situations I may encounter with these kids, but instead it’s been great!
I’ve been on summer break for three weeks now, and it’s been a hodgepodge of days.
The first couple of days, I went on a cleaning rampage. I’m still not done, but it’s coming along. I’m trying to finish this Friday so I can spend the rest of the summer doing other things.
Then I went to Florida to help pack up my grandparents’ house to be sold. It was a sad trip and it felt weird that none of them were there…but I found some cool photos and books that reflect my family history that I’ve kept. It was also nice to go down there to enjoy the house one last time and to support my dad. We took a couple trips to the beach too.
In my post about my coming out to my friend yesterday, I neglected to mention that I got my prom dress yesterday as well.
I am dreading prom because there is an excessive amount of “prama” around it.
Girls in my school, and across the nation, make prom Facebook groups to post the dresses that they buy and threaten other girls to not buy those same dresses. I’m serious. Look it up. It was on Yahoo! News once. No girl wants to match.
No, I’m not snorting crack, I am drugfree although my coworker, Marc, jokingly suspects otherwise.
He says I always look “zoned-out” and I tend to make stupid errors a lot, which makes me look clutzy and obviously that means I’m high out of my mind.
Then I joked about my past career as a cocaine dealer and he…he’s ridiculous. But he cracks me up.
I do zone-out a lot though. I’m pretty absentminded…I rarely know where I am/what streets I took to get somewhere…I can never remember names….etc. I just go into my head a lot and block everything else out, especially at work.
People are ridiculous, so instead of hating them, I ignore them.
Anyway, work today was ridiculous. RIDICULOUS.