Hello, blog friends! I know it’s been too long since I’ve last written.
I didn’t intend to take so much time off from writing. I’ve had the time to write, but I kept postponing sitting down and working on a piece. Before I knew it, weeks had slipped by and I had barely written a single word.
The reason I continued to postpone this valuable “me time” activity is primarily because I’ve been avoiding introspection. I haven’t been ready to make changes in my life, thus, I’ve avoided reflecting on my life altogether.
Over the last week, however, I’ve been suffering through the negative impact an absence of writing has on me. This manifests as excessively distracting myself with TV and irrational thinking. An example of that thinking is entertaining thoughts of getting back together with my ex.
While I love my ex, I know we can’t get back together. My poem, Flowers, helps remind me why I ended things and why I want things to remain “over.” Although I don’t want to be with her, I haven’t been ready to let her go. Thus, we’ve been maintaining a strained friendship, which until recently, has been overall pleasant and has benefited both of us. Now, it’s not serving either of us well.
It’s unsurprising that we can’t be friends because we haven’t taken sufficient time apart to be friends and we are still in love with each other. While I know this information, I find it to be incredibly difficult to do what is beneficial for the both of us, which is taking a lot of time away from each other.
I talked to my cousin about my predicament, and she responded with an insightful metaphor.
“It’s like you’re hanging onto the back of a car’s bumper, and your ex is driving. You can either let go now, which will hurt, but then it’ll be over. Or you can hold on for awhile and be dragged along, and let go later. Both options hurt, but one hurts less.” -my cousin, a writer
Ugh writers. They understand life.
I’ve definitely been holding on for a long time because I fear losing her. But creating space doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re never going to be able to be friends again. It also doesn’t guarantee that we will reconnect in the future.
There is a lot of uncertainty that comes with space that frightens me. Uncertainty in general frightens me, especially since my cousin passed away. Accepting uncertainty is something I’m just always going to have to work on. Writing and meditation helps tremendously, I simply need to practice them.
Other than this challenge, I’ve been enjoying my summer. Since the last time I’ve written, I partook in a wonderful yoga workshop, I’ve gone to the beach, attended an all-day concert, watched fireworks with my friends, and spent quality time with my sister. I’ve been enjoying the summer’s nice weather as much as I can before autumn’s briskness takes over.
How was your July? What are you looking forward to in August?
So…tell me how it all happened.
Did it begin when you sent her a flirty text?
Did you send that text between professing your love for me
And conveying how much you missed me?
Did you ask her out on a date
Between wrongfully accusing me of dating my friend,
and expressing how upset you’d be if that were true?
Did you hold her hand after texting me
To ask if you can still see me this summer
Because you couldn’t imagine your life without me?
Did you kiss her between writing about me
And confessing that you’re still grieving the relationship?
When did you begin to fall for her?
Around the time you blew up my phone
To call me a coward
For not responding to your texts
About hopefully getting back together again in the future?
I don’t know when you finally found the closure
I tried to give you at the end of our relationship,
And I don’t know when you found someone else to love,
But these endings and beginnings seem to blur
I think you only began to respect my desire for space
Because you became distracted by her.
© 2019 Vic Romero
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
The title of this post feels like a throwback to my obscure blog post titles circa 2014. This title is actually not obscure though…my barista really did get a new job. He’s going to be working full-time doing something related to his field and it’s great! It’s also bittersweet because he’s been my barista for a few years, and I’m going to miss chatting with him.
I’ve actually known him for over five years, before he even became a barista. We used to work together at a burger shack when I was in high school. (If you read my blog back in 2014, I’m referring to the infamous burger-shack-lesbian-romance-disaster that I wrote in great detail about during the beginnings of this blog. He’s from that era of my life).
Before my senior year of high school began, he quit to become a barista at the coffee shop local to me. He was (maybe still is) friends with my first ex, so I used to still hang out with him when the lesbian squad and I visited him after his shifts.
When my ex and I split during my first few months in college, I dreaded running into him when I was home from break and went to my local coffee shop. Obviously, as time passed, wounds healed, and dread turned into “nice.” It was nice to run into him every few months just because he was a familiar face and we would catch up a bit.
After I graduated from college, I basically moved into the local coffee shop just so I could escape my parents’ interrogations about jobs. Our conversations at the coffee shop became longer since we had more time to chat and since we saw each other more frequently. We bonded over job-hunting since he was graduating soon and about to embark on the full-time job-hunt too.
So…he’s heard bits from all different points in my life. He’s heard about college, my temporary jobs, my two full-time job offers, and my acceptance of a full-time job offer. I’ve heard about his college experience, job-hunting, and I coincidentally saw him on his last day at the shop, so he was able to tell me about his acceptance of a full-time offer.
It’s come full circle! We’ve both moved on from that coffee shop and are now professional, working adults. What a life.
I want to try to stay in touch with him, despite the fact that I won’t be seeing him somewhat regularly anymore. After I saw him on Friday, I messaged him to suggest getting drinks after work sometime. We’ve never hung out before aside from five years ago, but I think it’d be nice to try. Maybe we can become better acquaintances or even friends! I’ll be sure to keep you all updated.
Have a great week everyone!
Today would have been the second-year anniversary with my ex. Although we didn’t quite make it to two years as a couple, she was part of my life for more than two years and…I didn’t realize how much of an influence she had on me until she was gone. She has seemingly tainted everything.
Parts of my wardrobe were either gifts from her or they are from activities that we did together. Places we went together, that I still frequent, remind me of her. Some items I use daily are gifts from her. She’s permeated most, if not all, aspects of my life.
I also hadn’t realized until recently that it was never possible for things to end well between us because we hadn’t been on the same wavelength for a long time. So…processing that has been devastating.
A few other things have been difficult to process as well lately.
Tomorrow my cousin would have turned twenty-eight. I wish she was still here with us.
I haven’t really talked about this much, if at all, but my mom is beginning treatment next week for her cancer. She was diagnosed the day after my cousin passed away, so it’s not exactly a new situation. She’s doing well, but what she is enduring is scary and exhausting. This will be her first time doing any type of treatment. Yoga has been helping her tremendously though. She goes to all of my yoga classes and has been practicing pranayama (breathing) and mindfulness in her everyday life, especially when she goes to the doctor. I’m really proud of her.
Then things will become a little sunnier.
A few weeks after she begins treatment, my sister will graduate from college. I’m so proud of my sister, but I can’t believe how fast time flies.
The week after my mom is finished with treatment and after my sister graduates, my family and I are going on a much-needed and well-deserved vacation to Disney to celebrate all of the endings and to welcome the new beginnings.
So…while April may be a difficult month, it’s watering the soil to support growth in May. Hopefully there will be many flowers.
Since the fallout with my friend, I’ve been waiting to feel crappy about it, but I haven’t. Granted, I was very upset for about a week and I had nightmares, but that was it. I think about her once in awhile, mostly when I’m drinking, but that will diminish over time.
Perhaps I haven’t been so devasted because I subconsciously saw it coming. We hadn’t talked much in last few months, the love I had for her was too intense to last, and/or the conflict of interest there was due to her relationship with her best friend…but at the same time, I didn’t think these things would result in the finiteness of our friendship. I believed that if anything, we just wouldn’t be as close, which was okay with me. Instead, however, we don’t talk at all. She hasn’t reached out to me nor has she responded to my texts, even the ones where I was clearly upset. It’s reminiscent of how my ex iced me out over two years ago now.
It may also be because I’ve been busy with school, my other friends, and that I have other more pressing concerns.
This is an extremely raw write…I wrote this over the course of several days back in April-March…tears always stung my eyes as I added a couple of lines on my way to class or when I couldn’t focus on studying…I could edit this and clean it up, but I kind of like how…raw and therefore rough it is. I feel like it helps depict my mentality at that time…jagged edges and ill-fitting puzzle pieces.
At this point, I’m only torturing myself
Because I know well
That nothing will become of this.
I don’t want it to anyway
This relationship would drive
Because you’re too lazy
To treat me right
And you’re a vault
Locked up tight
I must love how you hurt me
Because I’m not coming undone from your touch
Only you get satisfied
So why do I keep entangling myself
In these cheap affairs
There’s nothing in it for me
In the end
We’re not going to last
I think I rather be alone
Than be with you and feel miserable
Our relationship isn’t transparent
And there isn’t a point in talking about it anymore
Since it’ll only fall on deaf ears
Like what has happened before
It’s exhausting trying to one-up you
I’m killing myself so you can’t
But there isn’t a point
Since I can’t accomplish anything if I’m dead
We aren’t friends
We don’t know how to be friends
I’ve known all of this for awhile now
Ever since I realized you aren’t lonely
You just want someone to fuck
Or a thing
I lose my autonomy with you
As you pursue sexual satisfaction
I remain still for you
Your hands graze my body
And penetrate me
To please you
And you alone
I am enough
You’re not allowed to make me feel less than
But I’m not gonna stop entertaining your texts
And I won’t stop spending the night
Until you stop inviting me
Because ending the hurricane that we are
Means also ending the rainbow in my life
I’m not really part of anything
A stray leaf floating through branches covered in leaves that match each other
But I’m different colored
Mixing everything together
You’re no longer allowed to camp out at the forefront of my mind
I have other things to think about
Other friendships to foster
And problems I want to solve
You treat me like I’m ordinary
And I deserve better
I like the idea of you
I like hooking up with you because I like you
You like hooking up with me because I’m convenient
I am just a body
A rag doll
© 1 March 2016 Vic Romero
My best friend at college, Tatiana,* is amazing. She understands that I don’t want to hang out with the guy I mentioned in my previous post. He usually texts me but he’s stopped because he’s fucking other women, which proves he was only talking to me because I was willing to hook up with him. We were never friends, and we’re not friends now.
Anywho, she understands how I feel about him, and she knows how I want to connect more with her boyfriend because he’s super cool, so she brought us all together to go out to eat dinner and then party. I had so much fun, I got super drunk. We all took our shirts off and we were dancing on each other and it was just a ton of fun. I ended up going home with them because I was too drunk to navigate my way back home. Tatiana passed out and her boyfriend and I talked about the guy that they’re both best friends with and that has only made me feel like garbage, because he wanted to know what was going on. It was a great conversation, despite both of us being super drunk. Having that conversation caused me to want to do some snooping on my ex. My drunken logic was if she could treat me poorly and find love, then there is hope for me too, although it’s taking a hella long time for someone to come around.
The next day, Tatiana came home with me for spring break. She only spent Friday night at my house before flying back home to California. We went out to eat dinner because she’s vegetarian and I didn’t tell my mom, so my mom was ill prepared to feed her. My old job has very good black bean burgers, so we went there. I hadn’t been there in about eight months or so. The last time I worked there, only two people from the “original squad” were still working there, so I didn’t think I would see anyone I knew. Well, I was mistaken because the first person I saw when my friend and I strolled in was my ex. She was taking orders at the register.
she grabs me by my waist and kisses me
i want her so bad i feel dizzy
but i’m sorry, my phone keeps going off
i must answer it, i am scared to get caught
her kisses down my neck are distracting
as i dig in my purse, my phone i’m extracting
i must answer it
i must break away from this kiss
before the phone call i miss….
i push her away and answer my phone
my mom is on the other end, wondering when i’m coming home
“the mall has closed two hours ago
“why are you still out, are you alone?”
with a heavy sigh
“no, i am with a friend
“my coworker, jess
“remember i mentioned her…”
she replies, “sure i guess”
she tells me to come home soon
“it’s getting late, you have school tomorrow, you should be asleep in your room”
i hang up, and adjust my clothes
i tell jess that i have to go home
and then she turns up the music and goes
i sit in the passenger seat
thinking about all the lies i’ve hissed through my teeth
i feel lost again, i want to be found
© 2014 Vic Romero
I don’t know why I never published this…I hope you enjoyed it 🙂
The title of this blog post must be written on my forehead because every relationship I’ve been in lately has resulted in me getting shit on.
- I try to be the best girlfriend I can be…and then I have my heart completely broken because I’m outrageously disrespected.
- I try to be the best roommate I can be…well fuck me, I’m again outrageously disrespected in the same ways my ex treated me.
- I try to be the best friend I can be….ha ha ha
Now, you’re probably thinking that maybe I’m just an asshole and that’s why these new relationships have resulted in me getting shit on. That’s a logical thought, but it’s so incredibly untrue.