“I’m not just taking trips down memory lane; I’m broken down on it.”
-Pete Wentz, Gray
Ever since I posted my most recent blog, I’ve been reflecting a ton on my past. I read through nearly every post on here, which is around 400 posts, and I’ve been going through old photos…I usually wouldn’t think too much of it but all this reflecting has been keeping me up at night. So…I just wanted to comment on what I’ve been thinking about.
I’ve been thinking about coming out again which caused me to reflect on my journey that led up to it as well as what transpired after I came out the first time. (Speaking of which, I wrote this interesting creative piece with an analysis about it for a class last fall. I will share it here eventually). I’ve been thinking about my previous relationship, friendships…and how my relationship with people that are still in my life, family included, have changed. I’ve been thinking about my senior year in high school, how I want my senior year in undergrad to go, and about what I want to do after I graduate.
None of these things are bad thoughts…but it’s a lot of thinking and it’s impacting my focus on the responsibilities that I have now and how I feel throughout the day. I’m worried, anxious, I brood…I’ve had enough. Especially because these thoughts keep me up until 3am and I can’t continue to have these sleepless nights.
Anyway…I hope by tonight or tomorrow I will be able to resume my life in the present…no more trips down memory lane for me.
Also, a good update: my stitches are out and the lab results are fine! I have another doctor’s appointment tomorrow at a new place because the current office I’ve been going to has an awful environment. I’ve only spoken to the people at the new place on the phone but they’re already significantly more pleasant!
Which reminds me of a theme that is apparent in my writing that I’ve noticed since I’ve been rereading it all: don’t accept where you are if you are unhappy. Right now, after this brutal semester, I feel pretty happy. I’ve been productive, social, and working on myself. I’m a little stressed about what’s to come, but I don’t want to focus too much on that anyway. I want to focus more on the present…take it day by day.
I wrote this with the intention of posting it around the beginning of the New Year but clearly, that is not the case. I’ve decided to make the first of February my New Year since January wasn’t my favorite month and I feel like I fucked many things up so…Happy New Year!! Whooooo!
Here’s the original post:
The spark I had last year has long been extinguished and I just..feel like crap constantly. The fall semester sucked because I didn’t like many of my classes, my social life consisted of flaky, asshole friends and getting wasted every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday to forget about the rest of the week, hooking up, not working out, and I have had no drive, motivation, or self-pride.
It’s been really bad. I thought winter break would help me feel better but instead I’m even more mopey. I have a trip next week to DC, which I was super ecstatic for last year but now I could give less of a shit. Ugh. I need to get out of this sophomore slump or else I’m gonna be miserable and fuck myself over so…here are a list of goals, or cinnamon goals as Hannah Hart says, that I have for myself this year to make the spring semester my comeback of the year.2016 Cinnamon Goals!! Whooo!
- Go to the gym two times a week. – I got really buff last year, but I’ve completely let myself go. So all through the rest of January and into February, I’m going to go to the gym twice a week. Then, as I rebuild some confidence and maintain this routine, I’ll increase the frequency to three times a week in March.
- Party less. – Instead of partying three times a week, I’m going to reduce it to one time a week. Three times a week was a lot of partying..I often didn’t get up until 1am so my weekends were super unproductive, especially considering how that only gave me a couple hours to do work because the pre-games started at 8pm. (An exception to this rule is syllabus week).
- Engage more with people that reach out to you. Focus less on people that don’t. – Every time I got drunk, I texted this girl that never gave me the time of day…I got to stop! Focus on people that show that they care and want to spend time with me! I also need to hang with people that actually like to do activities with me, not just party. I want well-balanced friends. Lastly, I need to stop trusting people instantly and assume we’re best friends. It’s always a disappointing outcome.
- Forgive those that have hurt me. I tend to hold grudges…many of them being subconscious. I’ve realized this when it comes to my parents and as I’ve become more romantically involved with someone new. Old wounds that I thought had healed with time actually never healed, they still hurt. Time only covered them up by allowing the pain to dull for awhile. For some bizarre and awful reason, I am convinced that how I was treated by cruel people before, I’ll be treated like that again by everyone I meet. I need to work through these thoughts and focus on letting them go. I’m not sure how to go about it though..therapy again? Yoga? I don’t know. I need to figure this out..any suggestions?
- Join another club. It’ll help me meet more people and it’ll inspire me, which I desperately need.
- Speak my mind, because my silence will not protect me. – Be unafraid to share my romantic emotions. Be unafraid to ask for what I want.
- Have alone time twice a week. – One of these days should be during the week to give myself a break, and another day should be on the weekend, instead of partying. Value myself more.
- Get closer to my family. -Be less afraid to be myself around them. Bond with them more.
- Research/Internship. -If not this summer, definitely next summer.
- Learn how to blow bubbles with gum. – When everyone was learning how to blow bubbles, I had braces so I never learned.
- Stop apologizing for being an adult who is still learning what matters, who matters, and which direction to go. – Thought Catalog
In March or April, maybe I’ll follow up with my progress and/or additions to my Cinnamon Goals.
What have been your goals for 2016, and how are they coming along??
I fell in love with your words,
They gently caressed my ears
Sending shivers up my spine
I fell in love with your voice,
Smooth and low
Emitted from your lovely lips
Which were frequently goofily smiling
I fell in love with the way you said my name
I could’ve heard it all day
And your kisses were always sweet
I fell in love with your eyes,
A deep and hypnotizing green
Penetrating into mine
Seeing right through me
I fell in love with your hands,
Soft and big, the most perfect hands that I’ve ever seen
Attached to arms, so strong
Strong enough to hold me
I fell in love,
I fell in love easily
But it was wrong,
It was all wrong
I fell out of love with your hands,
Cold and hard, they choked my heart cunningly
Attached to arms, so strong
But they refused to even hug me
I fell out of love with your eyes,
A stormy green
Hiding secrets and lies
Drowned me in your tsunamis
I fell out of love with the way you said my name,
Spat it out
And your kisses soured in the new day
I fell out of love with your voice,
Hoarse and low
That emitted from your bloody lips,
Which were frequently demonically grinning
I fell out of love with your words
They seared my ears,
Burning my entire body
© 2013 Vic Romero
Thnks Fr Th Mmrs
*inspired by the lovely Sam…thanks for inspiring me xx
I have about a month of the summer left before I have to pack my life up and travel back to school. I’ve greatly enjoyed my time off but I’m a little anxious to go back as well. I’m also a little nervous…it’s a hodgepodge of emotions.
Anyway, I just wanted to post an overview of some of the things I’ve done thus far.
I’ve been training to become a sexual violence response advocate. I have to make up a couple of hours but I should be finished by next week!
I saw Fall Out Boy for the third time. They’re amazing as always, but I hate that they only sing “I Don’t Care” from my favorite album, FOLIE. They should perform a concert entirely of songs from that album! Wiz Khalifa was co-headlining, and he was really great. I kinda dig him now. Hoodie Allen was the opening act and I went to the bathroom during his performance. He was subpar.
My sister graduated high school and turned eighteen, which was pretty incredible. She’s not so little anymore and it’s weird but it’s part of life.
If you’ve been following my blog for awhile, do you remember that job at the burger joint I had? Well I’ve been there for two years and I finally quit! I got another job at a film production company doing some coding. In addition to that, I have a class and an internship this summer so I’m mighty busy. Hopefully the next job I have will be more professional and in the field I plan on pursuing. I’ll have to go to the career office at my university to determine what my job options are.
That’s about it! I hope everything is going well for y’all!
TRIGGER WARNING: suicide
I’ve been training to be a sexual violence response advocate for the past three weeks, and it’s been very difficult. Aside from the material itself being upsetting, the training has triggered unpleasant memories as well. I’ve also had multiple nightmares about being drunk.
I’ve been home for two days and they’ve both been arguably the shittiest days of 2014. I ended up hysterically sobbing to the point of puking in a parking lot and afterwards I called my boss, who’s like a mom to me, and she made me feel a lot better about everything. I usually would write about all the shit that’s going down at the same time that’s caused me to wish that I wasn’t alive anymore but everything that’s happened in the span of two days is still too sensitive for me to write about. I basically feel alone, rejected, pathetic, and…scared as hell. I’m afraid that I’m losing everything that mattered to me…and there were only a few things that I cared about so…it sucks.
Anyway…I hope my break can’t get any worse. Yeah, I can’t sleep nor can I eat but as long as nothing else awful happens hopefully I’ll be able to…feel like myself again. Right now I just feel numb.
“Excuse me, excuse me! Do you have a boyfriend?”
I stared at him blankly, unsure of the best reply but finally settling upon “I’m gay.”
His tall frame retreated back into the room and I heard a girl ask him what happened as the door clicked shut behind him. I sighed and hid inside my room, feeling extremely uncomfortable and unhappy with my response. Aside from the fact that I don’t even identify as “gay,” I felt a better response would’ve been “I’m uninterested” or “I’m in love with someone else.”
“I’m uninterested” was a bolder response that may spark a discussion though. “Why are you uninterested? Do you think I’m ugly? You don’t even know me” may have been one of his counters, and being my timid self, I didn’t want to engage in that discussion.
“I’m in love with someone else” would’ve been the most accurate response, except I felt hurt for being in love with someone that didn’t seem to love me anymore.
Tonight will be my second to last day of work. I’ve been at my job for over a year now, and I am actually going to miss working there. Aside from missing the great discount on food, I will miss the friendships that developed in between dealing with rude customers and long hours of physical labor.
When I first started my job, I was feeling kinda depressed and lonely…I’m now leaving this job with amazing memories and inside jokes that I wouldn’t trade for anything. My job became a safe haven for me when I was having trouble at home…I also fell in love at my job and had my heart broken too. I have learned valuable people skills, money and time management, and how to make a killer milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard.
Today, May 27, 2014, is my best friend’s 19th birthday and my 3-month anniversary with my girlfriend.
It should be a happy day but my best friend and I have spent it crying because her former boss is a stalker and emailed her at 12:01 am to say happy birthday, and my girlfriend lost her promotion to becoming assistant manager, she’s getting transferred to another store, and the other boss that didn’t know about our relationship now knows about us.
I am also bombarded with math tests and final projects this week, the week of prom and prom weekend.
I don’t know what’s going on with my girlfriend yet and my best friend is scared to leave her house for her birthday dinner tonight.
I’m really worried and upset about my girlfriend…and I don’t know if she’s mad at me..maybe she doesn’t wanna talk to me…which is okay, I understand but… I’m also scared to go back to work in two weeks now.
When I find out, I will make another post.
In the meantime I will be listening to Fall Out Boy and trying to calm down.
I hope you all are having a better Tuesday than I am.