I’ve been ready and eager for some change since the end of last year, which was fueled by a new relationship, dissatisfaction with my full-time job, and aspiring for more in my life. I wanted more money, more independence, more responsibility, more education, more experience, more travel…more, more, more.
So I set out to achieve all those things. I asked for a raise at both of my jobs, I started researching where I can take my career next, and I booked a trip to New Orleans.
I was so excited about the NOLA trip because although I’ve traveled since graduating from college, I haven’t gone somewhere entirely new to me since 2017. This was also the first trip I went on without my family since the summer of 2016.
The NOLA trip was more wonderful than I could’ve expected or hoped for, but as I was there, news that the coronavirus was becoming more serious in the US emerged.
When I returned to work on a Monday, I returned to an entirely different company. My boss, who had foreshadowed that he wasn’t going to be there when I returned, was indeed gone. Two of my colleagues in the accounting department were also let go, and sixteen other people in the company nationwide were gone too. On top of all of that, the people that remained, including myself, took a pay-cut in the hopes that the company could weather out this uncertain and ruthless storm.
Shortly after that, I lost my yoga job because the community gym I worked at understandably shuttered its doors.
Now, the entire country and a majority, if not the entirety, of the world are living in an apocalyptic reality. A reality without physical human contact in lieu of virtual human connection. A reality with an unstable economy, loss of jobs, weakened immune systems, and loss of lives. My heart goes out to everyone who has been adversely impacted by this virus.
The reason I’m writing is because…aside from craving to connect with you all, I’m intrigued by how strongly I desired so much change in my life…and in a month, my life has changed significantly…in a way I could not have even fathomed. Now I crave the familiarity and comfort of the past, even though I wasn’t my happiest a month ago. In hindsight, however, there was so much to be grateful for that I had taken for granted. A month ago, I was able to see my boyfriend every weekend, I was able to go to the grocery store without fear of getting sick and/or spreading illness to others…and I was able to leave the house.
While it feels like there was more to be grateful for a few weeks ago, I remind daily myself that there is just as much, if not more, to be grateful for now. For example, my family, my friends, and I all are healthy, and I hope that continues.
I am grateful to have a safe home to live in with clean, running water, electricity, and wifi. I am grateful to have the love and support of my family and my community. I am grateful for my “capital-Y” Yoga practice, which I’ve been leaning into so much lately…just to keep a smile on my face. I’m grateful to be growing and exploring my meditation practice and I’m grateful to share that with others via videoconferencing software. I am grateful for videoconferencing software and for cellphones. I am grateful to all the healthcare workers on the frontlines of this battle, and to all the scientists researching and studying this virus to develop better tests, vaccines, and cures.
If you’re inspired to do so, please share what you are grateful for in the comments below. Stay safe, and much love.
I am scrapping New Year’s Resolutions this year! This is not because I don’t have any goals; I absolutely do have aspirations. Some of them include items from last year’s Resolutions, and I have new goals as well.
Instead of creating a checklist of things to accomplish in 2020, I want to focus on how I want to feel. There are two reasons for this new approach:
- I cannot fathom all that I will want to accomplish in 2020, and I don’t want to limit myself to only what I am able to dream up right now.
- In 2019, I’ve been playing with “feeling good” to attract my desires, and I want to continue to grow this practice. The two biggest successful outcomes of this practice are obtaining my full-time job and meeting my partner.
Prior to these two particular experiences, I suffered through months of grief, depression, worry, and doubt. I don’t expect to never struggle or to never experience negative emotions, however, I do expect myself to have more confidence, love, and compassion for myself, especially when life is difficult. I also expect myself to be more optimistic and positive about my future rather than allowing worry and stress consume me.
I found this lovely quote that captures how I want to feel in 2020 rather well:
“We’re asking you to trust in the Well-being. In optimism there is magic. In pessimism there is nothing. On positive expectation, there is thrill and success. In pessimism or awareness of what is not wanted, there is nothing…
We do not ask you to see something that is not and pretend that it is. What we ask you to do is practice moving your gaze. Practice changing your perspective. Practice talking to different people. Practie going to new places.
We want you to feel familiar in your joy. Familiar in your positive expectation, familiar in your knowing that all is well, because the Universe will knock itself out giving you evidence of that Well-being once you find that place…
There is great love here for you. We are complete.”
-Abraham Hicks – 12/22/2019
So, below I listed areas of my life that I want to envision how I want to feel about them in 2020 and beyond. If you want to try this approach for the new decade with me, please consider how you want to feel about these areas, and share them with me in the comments below:
How do I want to feel in my career?
I want to be mentally stimulated in my career. I am open to changing career-paths, as long as I continue to feel thrilled by my work. I want to look forward to going to work, I want to enjoy the work I do, and I want to enjoy the company of my colleagues and supervisors. I want to be acknowledged for my hard work. I want more responsibility because I want to grow in my career. I want a raise so I can have more money for retirement, for living expenses, for savings, and to share with others.
In regards to my Yoga career, I want to feel as though I have an abundance of knowledge to share with my students. I want to feel confident in my knowledge and I want to fearlessly share my wisdom. I want my devotedness to my Yoga practice be reflected in my teachings. I want to be connected with my students. I want to feel aligned and energized while teaching. I want to feel fulfilled after instructing.
How do I want to continue to feel in my relationship with my partner?
I want to be loved, cherished, respected, and considered. I want to be a team with my partner. I want to feel secure and stable while continuing to be surprised and excited. I want to trust my partner and in the relationship. I want to feel confident about the connection that we have. I want to feel supported in my aspirations and I want to make him feel that way too. I want to grow and expand together.
How do I want to feel in my relationship with my family and friends?
I want to feel like I can communicate openly and honestly with my family and friends. I want to be comfortable and unapologetic being true to myself. I want to feel safe being vulnerable with my friends and family. I want to feel connected with the people in my life.
How do I want to feel about myself?
I want to trust my choices and find freedom in them. I don’t want to be attached. I want to be healthy and strong. I want to be compassionate and loving toward myself. I want to feel relaxed, stable, supported, self-sufficient, and secure in my own being. I want to be connected to my inner wisdom and harmonious with my intuition. I want to be imaginative and intentional. I want to be selfless, spiritual, devoted, and disciplined. Lastly, I want to find more stillness and I want to create more space for myself.
How do I want to feel overall in 2020?
I want to flow with complete ease. I want to radiate joy in everything that I do. I want to relax and allow. I want to remain open to change and possibilities. I want to overcome hardships and navigate difficult emotions with love. I want to feel powerful and find bliss in my trust in the Universe.
See you all in 2020.
Yesterday was World Pride Day–the conclusion to Pride Month–and thus it is apt to reflect on my experience with Pride over the last five years.
I have only been to a Pride event once, and that was during the summer of 2015, which was also the year I had come out to my family. The months preceding June 2015 were extremely difficult in my house…I had lied to my parents to even go to Pride. I had told them I was going to the city with friends, which was partially true. I was actually going to experience the parade in the city with my secret girlfriend.
I had packed a bag with the clothes I was going to change into on the train: rainbow pride earrings, a rainbow pride industrial bar, and a t-shirt I had customized with glitter glue and scissors. That plain t-shirt had transformed into a frilly crop-top with sparkly letters that read “I love [insert my ex-girlfriend’s name].” My ex had made a similar shirt, minus the glitter glue and fondness for scissors. We were very festive.
On the train, I rode a few stops alone before my ex and her friends boarded. When we got to the city, everyone and everything was rainbow. I had never experienced anything like it before. It was amazing to be around so many queer people, to feel validated, and to be supported.
My ex, her friends, and I watched the parade and I took lots of pictures, which I no longer have. I did, however, purchase a pride flag that I have to this day.
After the parade, I met up with a friend I had met at a summer pre-college camp. I remember that she had just gotten her nose ring. Anyway, we all went to multiple sex stores, and that is when I bought my first vibrator, which I also no longer have. (I have gone back to that specific sex store though and purchased a new one. In my opinion, that store has the best variety of non-penis-shaped goods in the entire city.)
Before boarding the train back home alone, I had removed my pride gear and tucked it back into my bag. My dad had picked me up at the train station and didn’t ask any questions, and so I had thought I was safe from interrogation. That was only true for a few hours.
The next morning, my mom had suddenly become skeptical of my whereabouts. She questioned what I had done in the city, who I had been with, and why I had been alone on the train. She blatantly asked me if I went to Pride, and I had responded with a resounding “no.”
And that was the end of that.
Fast forward to 2019… many of my friends went to Pride and invited me along, but I refrained. Part of my reluctance to attend any Pride event was a fear of large crowds, not wanting to cancel my Sunday Yin Yoga class (which I brought to my local community center and I’m super proud of it), and a fear of telling my parents that I was going.
Is that weird? I’m twenty-three and I’m afraid to tell my parents what I want to do, particularly if it involves my queerness. This is despite the fact that I had come out to them twice and integrated my recent ex into my familial life as much as possible.
I am unsure why I continue to have this fear that drives my preference to avoid queer topics. For years after I came out the first time, I blamed this tendency on them.
I had felt like they rejected me when I came out, which is why I had continuously lied to them. It had seemed like we were at war with each other for months, and I never forgave them. I didn’t feel like I could trust them.
It’s why even after my ex and I broke up, after years had passed, I still lied to them about where I was going and who I was hanging out with. I would answer questions they had about my personal life as vaguely as possible so they wouldn’t know that much about me. I would answer their questions snippily as well, which would cause conflicts about my bad attitude.
So much has changed between us though. Thus, my fear of talking about Pride and sexuality with them seems to stem primarily from residual pain. I have to constantly remind myself that they’re not going to yell at me or interrogate me about this stuff anymore. I’m no longer an eighteen-year-old in high school. I graduated from college, I work a full-time job and teach yoga on the side, and I’ve been a fucking adult for a few years now. I make my own choices. I don’t know why I don’t always find this rationale convincing.
Yesterday, however, my mom shared a sweet moment with me that reminded me of how things have improved between us.
I was sitting on my bed, wearing the Pride shirt my ex had gotten me, and planning my Yin Yoga class with the Pride Parade on in the background. My mom knocked on my door and asked to come in. Once inside my room, she asked me if I was watching the parade and I affirmed that I was. She asked if my friends were there and I replied, “Yes, they invited me and I wanted to go, but I love this yoga class I teach, so I decided to stay home.”
She nodded, understanding since she takes all my yoga classes and since she knows how important this class is to me. Then she invited me to watch the parade in her room. I declined the offer, and then she went back upstairs. A few minutes later, she returned to give me a hug and she told me that she loves me no matter what.
Twenty minutes later, before I ran out the door to take care of some errands, I went to her room and saw her watching the parade in the rocking chair she used to cradle my sister and I in when we were infants.
It was the sweetest and simplest moment, but it provided me with the validation and support that I had gotten from my experience at Pride five years ago. This time, however, it was from the person I needed the validation and support from the most.
Today would have been the second-year anniversary with my ex. Although we didn’t quite make it to two years as a couple, she was part of my life for more than two years and…I didn’t realize how much of an influence she had on me until she was gone. She has seemingly tainted everything.
Parts of my wardrobe were either gifts from her or they are from activities that we did together. Places we went together, that I still frequent, remind me of her. Some items I use daily are gifts from her. She’s permeated most, if not all, aspects of my life.
I also hadn’t realized until recently that it was never possible for things to end well between us because we hadn’t been on the same wavelength for a long time. So…processing that has been devastating.
A few other things have been difficult to process as well lately.
Tomorrow my cousin would have turned twenty-eight. I wish she was still here with us.
I haven’t really talked about this much, if at all, but my mom is beginning treatment next week for her cancer. She was diagnosed the day after my cousin passed away, so it’s not exactly a new situation. She’s doing well, but what she is enduring is scary and exhausting. This will be her first time doing any type of treatment. Yoga has been helping her tremendously though. She goes to all of my yoga classes and has been practicing pranayama (breathing) and mindfulness in her everyday life, especially when she goes to the doctor. I’m really proud of her.
Then things will become a little sunnier.
A few weeks after she begins treatment, my sister will graduate from college. I’m so proud of my sister, but I can’t believe how fast time flies.
The week after my mom is finished with treatment and after my sister graduates, my family and I are going on a much-needed and well-deserved vacation to Disney to celebrate all of the endings and to welcome the new beginnings.
So…while April may be a difficult month, it’s watering the soil to support growth in May. Hopefully there will be many flowers.
Recently I bought a bunch of professional clothes before I knew I was going to be working in a casual office. By “casual,” I mean Uggs and leggings or jeans and t-shirts. It’s very casual. That may be partially attributed to the fact that I work in a warehouse as opposed to the sleek corporate office I was in before.
So now, I’m one of the most fashionable and probably the most over-dressed employees. I’m okay with that though. I’m used to standing out a bit due to my consistently eclectic wardrobe. I don’t think I was nominated for “Most Unique” in high school because I’m weird. I mean…I am weird, but who isn’t?!
Below are some new outfits I’ve worn recently that I love. Scroll through, be inspired, and enjoy!
1. Burnt Orange Delight
I am obsessed with this dress!!! It’s a Free People dress, but my mom got it for me on clearance at Macy’s. I love Free People, but not the prices of their clothing. Thankfully their goods can be found on sale at Macy’s or TJ Maxx! You can’t really tell in the picture, but the dress wraps around the waist and I tie it in a bow in the back. I love it. It makes me feel simultaneously feminine, flirty, and professional.
My earrings are paintings of coquis, or frogs found in Puerto Rico. My mom bought them for me on one of her trips to Puerto Rico to visit my grandma. My orange gemstone necklace is a stone that my dad’s mom had. My aunt made all of the gemstones she had into necklaces and gave them to all of my cousins. I chose the orange one. The smaller necklace is a sweet charm my maternal grandparents got for me.
My shoes are one of my new purchases and the brand is Indigo Rd. I adore the color, and they’re surprisingly super comfortable. I wore them when I visited my friend a few weekends ago, and we did a ton of walking and they didn’t bother my feet at all. (I have very flat feet, so comfortable footwear is extremely important to me).
2. Pretty in Pink
I am obsessed with this skirt!!! I bought a ton of colorful professional skirts from Express for spring/summer, and they are all fantastic. Right now I’m attracted to hot pink, which is kind of unexpected for me. Then again, I have loved the color in the past…but my relationship with hot pink is complicated, to say the least.
The color of this skirt is technically called Flamingo Pink, which causes me love it even more because it reminds me of a project I did in 3rd grade about the species. Did you know that flamingoes get their pink color from shrimp??
My shirt is my mom’s old shirt, and my mom got me those cool, flower-printed tights a few years ago. My heeled-booties were a gift for either my twentieth or twenty-first birthday. They’re Marc Fisher. I love that brand.
My Betsey Johnson earrings are a gift from my mom back when I was in high school. My heart chain necklace is a hand-me-down from my step-grandma’s mom. Lastly, my green flower necklace is something I pulled out from the depths of my dusty closet. I probably bought it in middle school.
3. Angsty Holiday Cheer
This skirt is so unique! My mom got it for me from Kohl’s around the holidays, which is why it has a wintery plaid print. I’m wearing it with a red sweater from Old Navy and super old lace-up boots from Aldo.
A perk to working in a casual office is that I can integrate some of my edgier pieces into my outfits, such as these boots! My mom got these Aldo boots for me a few years ago to replace a pair just like them that I had back in high school.
My necklace is another hand-me-down from my step-grandma’s mom. My earrings here are also Betsey (I love her stuff) and I’ve also had them since high school.
4. Chic yet Fiery Professional
I planned my outfit around these new shoes I got on clearance at DSW. I’ve been looking for a loafer to wear during the warmer months because I won’t be able to wear my wonderful tall boots during that time. I have several heels that I can wear, but I didn’t have a nice flat shoe, until now!
The shirt is my mom’s old button-up and the sweater is a gift from my maternal grandparents from Eddie Bauer. My pants are from Kohl’s, and they’re super soft and stretchy.
My shoes are Franco Sarto. I love the silver heel accent.
I’ve had my necklace since middle school. I got it from a woman who had a jewelry shop in her basement.
5. Busy Bee
I actually got a few compliments on this outfit at work!
My skirt is from Express, and it actually has pockets as you can see below. I love that it has a paper-bag feel with the ruffly top. My shirt is from Abercrombie and Fitch.
When I was looking for loafers, I came across this pair of shoes by Naturalizers. I didn’t need them, but I loved them and I am a big fan of this brand. I have a few other pairs Naturalizers. Their footwear is very comfortable and they have excellent styles.
When I brought these shoes home, my mom loved them shoes so she got herself a pair too haha
My flower bracelet is Betsey Johnson. I got it for my 8th-grade graduation with a matching necklace, earrings, and ring.
I’m only wearing the matching earrings for this look though. They’re bees! They match my yellow and black ascetic perfectly!
6. Ice Queen/Silver Everything!
I don’t think I’ve worn this much silver/grey before, but I definitely want to do it more often! I felt so chic.
My sister got me this sweater from Aerie when they came in a truck to sell things on campus. It’s super soft and I love the glitter in it! My pants are from Kohl’s, and I adore the pattern and zipper accents. You can see a better picture of them below.
My new shoes scream Duckie from Pretty in Pink. I love them so much not only because they feel so 80s (I love 80s stuff), but also because the color is so unique and I’m a big fan of buckles. They’re just a super cool pair of shoes. I wish I had found them sooner, although I don’t know if they existed until now.
Anyway, my mom got them for me spontaneously when we were returning a pair of shoes to DSW. We found them in the clearance section, and they seemed destined for my feet. They’re Bleecker and Bond.
My ex got me these wonderfully warm, furry, and glittery socks from DSW. The socks look beautiful with my shoes.
My necklace was a gift from my maternal grandparents. I probably got it in high school, so I don’t know where it’s from. My earrings are simple and I think they’re from Kohl’s.
That’s all for now! I’ll be sure to share my other looks soon!
What was your favorite look? Where do you like to shop? Let me know in the comments!
Some of my older OOTD:
The following are from 2014…ohemgee
Good morning, everyone! Happy Friday!
I apologize for my absence last week. Unfortunately, I came down with a cold on my first day of work, so when I wasn’t working, I was sleeping. I’m grateful to report that I feel significantly better and that I’m back to my regular self!
Aside from being sick, the last few weeks have been insightful and exciting. Before I started my new job, I took advantage of being unemployed by going on small adventures.
The first two days of the week, I subbed at my previous temp job so I got some extra spending cash for my adventures. On Wednesday, I went to my alma mater and ate lunch with my sister. Then I spontaneously had dinner with my ex. On Thursday, I caught up with my friends from my Europe travels. It’s always wonderful to see them. Friday, after teaching my AM yoga class, I went to the city with my sister. Because it was so nice out, we walked a ton, it was fantastic. Then on Saturday, I visited a friend’s new apartment and neighborhood. The area had such a LGBTQ/hipster environment, it was cool to experience. On top of everything, I subbed for a yoga instructor all weekend.
I suspect all the adventures, plus subbing all the yoga classes, were taxing on my immune system, causing me to get sick. It was well worth it though.
Last Monday, I began my new job! I’ve been enjoying it a lot. My boss is kind and supportive, my coworkers are lovely and helpful, and the work has been challenging and exciting. The only thing I’m having a bit of a difficult time with at this new job is the amount of sitting I do all day.
I’ve worked in an office before, so it’s not like I’m completely unaccustomed to a desk job. However, the previous office I was at was larger, so important places like the bathroom, the printer, and the kitchen were further apart, thus I walked more. The office I’m at now is significantly smaller, so I take probably 10 steps total to either go to the makeshift kitchen, to get something from the printer, and to go to the bathroom. All the sitting causes me to feel antsy, so sometimes I stand at my desk while I work. Unfortunately, the desk is not accommodating for working while standing, so I can’t stand for very long. I may get something on Amazon to make my desk and thus my workspace more comfortable. And/or I may go on a brief walk during my lunch break. If you have suggestions or thoughts, please share in the comments!
Another new thing going on in my life: last week I taught my first yin class at the local community center/gym I regularly teach at. I’m so grateful to have this opportunity to teach an additional class and to teach a different yoga discipline. I am continuing to research workshops to take to expand my knowledge so I can integrate it into my classes. I have one in particular that I most certainly want to do, it’s just a matter of finding the courage to register.
That’s about it for me. A lot of new seeds have been planted before the Spring Equinox. I’m eager to see what blooms.
This is a list of my favorite items from Christmas. Not all of them are gifts, but most of them are. The gifts I received this year were particularly thoughtful and I love them.
1. The toasted tartelette eyeshadow palette by tarte
I used to rock all sorts of colorful eyeshadow looks, some of which you can find on my website by searching “Lookbook.” After my cousin passed away, however, I veered away from eyeshadow in favor of just eyeliner because I was depressed and I also didn’t want to spend the time doing my makeup anymore.
When I went to Ulta with my mom for the annual holiday sale, I picked up this sophisticated palette because I wanted to explore my makeup creativity again. This palette has more sophisticated shades than my older ones, making this palette more versatile for all occasions. I’ve greatly enjoyed creating dramatic looks and neutral looks with these warm shades!
2. Yoga Bolster
I asked my mom for a bolster for yoga for Christmas, and she delivered! She got it at Walmart so I assume that the price was reasonable, although I know they have reasonable ones on Amazon too. I love having a bolster for my home practice. It totally elevates my yoga experience. Plus, it matches my yoga mat so nicely!
3. Gluten-Free Holiday Doughnuts
My parents met someone that owns a gluten-free bakery, and they only make doughnuts on the weekend. My dad got twelve of them because they looked so pretty! They were tasty too, but I barely ate one because they’re very sweet and I try not to consume sugar.
4. BBC Radio Production of Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie
My favorite type of podcasts are ones that are basically old-school radio shows: there are actors, sound effects, and lots of suspense/drama.
I wanted to read some Agatha Christie novels and when I saw that there are radio adaptations of her books available through my local library, I was so excited! This was incredibly entertaining to listen to, and I want to listen to the others!
5. Lush’s Mask of Magnaminty
This is an old favorite that I reintroduced to my daily routine. I mean, I don’t use it daily, but I use it several times a week (which may still be overkill). When I used it in college, I was always complimented on the pepperminty smell of it. It’s such a nice treat to start my morning with it because it’s invigorating and leaves my skin feeling luscious. They did increase the price a bit since I last bought it about three years ago, but I think it’s still worth it.
6. Lands’ End Holiday Slippers
My mom got me these for Christmas, aren’t they fun? Slippers are so useful and cozy, and I love the holiday cow on this pair!
7. Prep Naturals Mandoline Slicer
My dad surprised me this year by getting me this super thoughtful gift because he knows I like to cook and that I spend an exorbitant amount of time cutting produce. (In the past, he’s gotten me useful, albeit not for everyday-use items, such as a flashlight for your head). I love this gadget so far, but it can’t be used for all vegetables. For example, I tried cutting a pepper with it, but the pepper was too soft.
For veggies such as cucumbers, carrots, celery, and probably onions too, this is great! You can adjust how thick you want your produce sliced and it comes with a safety shield and glove! It also came with a spiralizer, which I’m dying to try.
8. Tea Strainer
I found this individual tea strainer on Amazon, and my lovely girlfriend got it for me for Christmas! It’s wonderful because it comes with a small dish to set the strainer in when you don’t need it anymore. There is also a nice long chain with a hook that you can use to hold the tea strainer in place.
My tea tastes so much better now that I’m not cooking it in the pot of hot water.
9. Immersion Blender
For some reason I didn’t take a picture of the box or of the item, so here is a picture of a sacral chakra soup I made with it! My girlfriend got me this too for Christmas. The blender has several speed settings and it also included a whisk that you can attach to the blender, it’s super nice! I’m eager to make other soups with this blender!
My sister got me this puzzle for Christmas because she saw a puzzle I had completed with my girlfriend so she assumed I enjoyed puzzles. I do enjoy puzzles, but I have never completed one of this magnitude before!
It’s fun to do the puzzle together though. We stay up late working on it and we listen to old classics like the Cheetah Girls and One Direction. It’s been a nice bonding activity. Hopefully, we will complete it before she returns to school!
What have been your favorites from the holidays?
For the first time in four years, I had an anxiety attack.
It completely caught me off-guard, despite the fact that I had been nervously calling my girlfriend, my sister, and my mom on the phone for an hour before it had happened. Also despite the fact that I’ve been practicing some negative daily habits for weeks as a result of a Vata-imbalance.
For me, that entails following my whims: I fall asleep whenever I want to (AKA never a reasonable hour), I sleep in late, I create ideas but I don’t bring them into reality, I stress-eat, I distract myself with interminable episodes New Girl (which is a great show), and I lack a routine for diet or otherwise.
Anyway, right before the anxiety attack, I was driving during one of the phone calls with my girlfriend, and my answers to her questions quickly became hysterical to the point where I couldn’t breathe and I had to pull over. It was horrible.
The last time this happened to me, I was preparing for midterms as a first semester, first-year student at a large University. I was also recuperating from an awful breakup, I was homesick, and I was just…learning how to flourish when everything was incredibly new and overwhelming.
I was afraid of failing my classes, nervous that I wouldn’t be able to make friends, and worried that I wouldn’t be able to succeed in college.
While my circumstances are completely different now– I’m a graduate of that University, I overcame homesickness, and I have an amazing relationship that is so much better than I could have imagined– I am now learning how to flourish as an adult. It’s incredibly new to me and it’s overwhelming.
I published a post recently about my fears, but they’re rather surface-level. My more deep-seated fears include being afraid of making a “wrong” decision, nervous to embark on something “too risky,” and worried that I can’t succeed in the real world.
All of these fears have ultimately culminated in the stunting of my growth. My fears have become my reality because I haven’t been challenging them…instead, I’ve been holding myself back to prevent myself from my perception of disaster. Then I’ve been blaming everyone else for holding me back.
After my anxiety attack, my sister pointed out that I have a difficult time making a decision because I have all these “ideas” but I hardly execute them. She also informed me that I doubt and second-guess myself consistently. How can I expect to move forward if my energy is so self-destructive?
Prior to the post about my fears, I wrote about manifesting and persistence. While they are extremely vital methods toward success, they are insufficient if the way I treat myself is negative. So, more importantly, how can I channel positive, confident, loving energy toward myself to raise my vibration and ultimately attract other high-vibe opportunities that would enable me to achieve my goals?
Well, this anxiety attack was a wake-up call that I’m not okay with holding myself back any longer. Now is the time to break this cycle and challenge my fears. Now is the time to take risks that may not always be successful, but that’s part of learning! Now is the time to try.
Autumn is my favorite season, thus my wardrobe has been very autumn-esque since August! I always take poor quality photos of my outfits, but I haven’t shared any of them on my blog since 2014!! So today, before the holiday season takes over, I thought it’d be fun to share some of my favorites this season. One day I will take photos with better quality and with better lighting, but in the meantime, bear with me.
Hocus Pocus Forever
My girlfriend kindly surprised me with this Binx bag from Disney’s recent Hocus Pocus collection. I’m obsessed with this bag and I’ve been using it nonstop. It’s the perfect mix of eccentric and practical.
The shirt is also from Disney’s Hocus Pocus collection! The front says: Don’t light the black flame candle, and the back is pictured below.
My sister has glow-in-the-dark shirt Disney Halloween shirt. Disney had some awesome gear this year!
The outfit above features my pastel pumpkin-colored pants from Hollister! I purchased these about three years ago when my sister was working at Hollister and I was working at Abercrombie. I matched my pants with an orange stone necklace my late grandmother had given me. Peep my green Halloween socks with witches!
The second plaid outfit above is newer. I purchased the pants from Target’s latest collection. They are comfy yet kind of stiff and loose…basically, the quality isn’t amazing but they will do for now. They look very cute though!
My shirt is from Abercrombie from about a year ago. My bag is Binx obviously, but in this photo, you can see my witch hand sanitizer case more clearly! That hand sanitizer case was part of a set from Bath and Body Works, the other one being a vampire, which my sister has. They have magnets inside so they connect when they’re next to each other, it’s very cute. Also, I’m holding my Buffy comic book because Buffy is the best thing ever.
These next few outfits aren’t all super fall-esque, but they’re very cute!
This was my first day of work outfit! It features old pants that need to be donated and my mom’s old shirt and sweater. The necklace is a jasper and turquoise necklace, which matches the details on my shirt.
My mom got me the pants above recently for work! They’re from Kohl’s and they’re quite funky since they’re a black and white checkered pattern and ankle-length. They’re stretchy, comfy, and high-waisted, and I felt fabulous in this look! The shirt is also from Kohl’s but it’s about four years old now.
Casual Working Girl
The sweater above is my mom’s old sweater, and I really love it. The style is fun and perfect for fall. I wore it with my light grey jeans, which remind me of scarecrows because they’re frayed at the ankles, from TJ Maxx.
This look is one of my favorites! I bought the earrings from the yoga studio I attended in the summer. They’re blue on the outside and orange in the center. I matched the earrings with the pendant that my step-grandma’s mom had, and this orange shirt my mom got me from the clearance section at Old Navy!
The sweater is my mom’s and the pants are the same grey ones from TJ Maxx.
My Halloween look this year included my witch sweater from TJ Maxx and my Buffy cosplay coat from Hot Topic’s Buffy 20-year Anniversary collection last year! It has beautiful details that only Buffy fans would understand. I also wore Halloween bat earrings from Betsy Johnson, but I didn’t snap a pic of them.
Those are all my fall-festive outfits! Did you like this series? Should I bring it back?
Let me know in the comments below!
Finally, a moment to sit and write.
This past week has been hectic because of my temporary full-time job, so I apologize for my absence. Whenever I return home from work, I want to numb my mind by watching TV, but I’ve been too tired to even do that.
Anyway…I wanted to chat about my personal life because it has undergone a serious transformation. Namely, my relationship with my family has changed. This has been an ongoing transformation since I moved back home, I just hadn’t thought about writing about it because…I’ve had so many other things I wanted to say I suppose. Plus, sometimes I focus on negative things when I write rather than positive things, and what I want to talk about is extremely positive. It’s still a little surreal to me because I would have never thought, four years ago, that I’d be where I am now.
One of the first great things that have been going on with me is that I haven’t been fighting with my mom at all. Both she and I have grown so much and we handle our volatile emotions so much better. We both utilize different methods to control our emotions such as a spiritual practice, writing, and Yoga. My mom and I actually share Yoga together now because she attends the class I teach on Friday mornings. It’s a really nice way to spend a little time together because, during the week, both her and I work a lot, so we don’t get to talk much. Yoga on Friday mornings is a beautiful way to check in with each other as well as start our day on the right foot. It’s really sweet we practice together too because she was the first one to suggest I do yoga teacher training, and here I am, now certified and teaching a class that she can attend. It’s so lovely.
My girlfriend has been coming by the house weekly since September or so, which has been great. Aside from being able to see my girlfriend, my parents are able to see her and get to know her, which is helpful to make them feel more comfortable with my sexuality. My mom really likes her (she told me!) and we all chitchat and drink wine together. It’s so much fun! I never thought that’d happen!
My aunt invited my girlfriend to Thanksgiving, so my girlfriend is coming. My aunt most likely knows my girlfriend is my girlfriend due to my social media, but the rest of my family probably doesn’t. My girlfriend will be introduced as my friend just to avoid drama at my aunt’s house. My relatives that know me will know though, which is all that matters to me.
I’ll have to update y’all after Thanksgiving to share how it all went down. In the meantime, I will be trying to enjoy any bits of Halloween that I can! I haven’t watched any Halloween movies yet, which is tragic because there are only 13 days left. I probably will be watching Halloween movies until after Thanksgiving.