Of course, he had decided to take the highway. There was no traffic on the highway, so there was no stopping. He must’ve known that if there was an opportunity to jump out of the car, I would’ve taken it.
I slumped down further in the passenger seat, my arms crossed over my body protectively as his words sliced through my skin. He said we were having this conversation because he loves me, but I wasn’t feeling loved at all. It wasn’t even a conversation; it was a lecture. A lecture about me. About what’s wrong with me.
I apologize but the next publication of my short series, Love Bites, will be postponed to tomorrow at 11am. If you haven’t read the first publication, please click here!
My weekend has been pretty hectic with my internship beginning and all. Plus, I’ve had a ton of homework. One of my assignments is to read this poem, which I am absolutely in love with, so I thought I would share it. The video is June Jordan reading her poem, and I included the transcript of her poem below. Please enjoy this and share your thoughts!
The title of this post, which is also the description for my website now, is a quote from Audre Lorde’s The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action. We read her speech in my women’s and gender studies class and that particular quote really stuck with me.
I’m pretty shy…sometimes I’m too shy that I get overlooked and/or left behind but her speech really inspired me to stop shying away from speaking up, or “unzipping my lips.”
“You’re silence will not protect you” means that whether or not you say something, we’re all going to die anyway. She says, “we fear the visibility without which we cannot truly live…And that visibility which makes us most vulnerable is that which also is the source of our greatest strength. Because the machine will try to grind you into dust anyway”
You don’t understand my love for this speech, it gives me shivers. If you want to read it (you really should), click here!
Anyway, I decided to change the description of my website to Lorde’s quote because I think “speaking my mind” (my original description) is a given. The title of my website is “Unzip These Lips” so of course I’m going to be speaking my mind…but why am I speaking my mind? How is yapping about my problems and my life beneficial to me or to anyone else?
I find writing therapeutic, like most writers, and by sharing my life sometimes I connect with other writers and create friendships. But the therapy and friends isn’t solely why I write. I also write because keeping my mouth shut about issues that are bothering me isn’t going to make them go away. I write because I believe that my voice should be heard. Not everyone will actually listen, but no one can say that I didn’t say anything, because by writing I am saying something.
I put all my cards on the table to my ex…I still love her, I still care about her, I still want her in my life although she treated me like a steaming hot pile of shit. But at the end of the day, I won’t be mad or upset forever. I will have moved on because I know I deserve better and everyone deserves compassion. If she doesn’t want to reach out to me ever again, if she doesn’t want to be friends or even acquaintances, then fine. It’s her fucking lost because I’m funny, kind…hell, I was a great fucking girlfriend she’d be lucky to have me in her life, even in a small way. But at least I said something instead of wallowing in self-pity and hoping she’ll come around. I gave her the opportunity to give me some clarity on what happened with us and I invited her to come back into my life. If she doesn’t want to give me clarity and/or be part of my life anymore, then that’s her decision. Too bad it makes her seem like an asshole for not giving me a response by remaining silent instead. Silence doesn’t protect you…you’re going to die whether you speak up or not and sometimes if you don’t speak up, you just seem like a shithead.
I can go on and on with how I’ve “unzipped my lips” because “silence will not protect me” but I can also go on and on about how I have kept silent about things.
Being open and honest, and unafraid to speak my mind is something that I’m working on. I’ve been working on it for awhile now, and I’ll probably always be working on it. But when I get my diploma in four years (hopefully) I hope that I will have come out of my shell a lot more than I am now.
Anyway, that’s my little schpiel for tonight. I’ll post my interview outfit pics tomorrow…I’m thinking to make a little schedule for these pics so I’m not positing outfits daily…maybe every Wednesday and Sunday I’ll post…I’ll see.
Okay, goodnight guys, gals, and everyone else! Hope you all had a great Tuesday!
If you have a question, comment, or want to chat, please feel free to comment. I love comments and I’ll reply. Besides, your silence will not protect you.
It’s been about two weeks since I’ve made this list and I’ve been single for a month (although the first two weeks seemed more like a temporary break so I still felt committed to my ex).
It’s weird because I’ve spent most of 2014 with my ex and I’ve known her since 2013 and now she’s just completely gone from my life because that’s what she wants I guess but…it’s just weird. An adjustment on top of all the other adjustments I’ve been making since late August when I moved into my dorm at college.
I feel like I’ve been doing a lot better lately…there are times when I miss her a lot, times when I’m angry with her, times when I feel…like it’s hard to accept what happened because I don’t have much closure..but for the most part I’ve been so busy with school and getting more involved…connecting with friends…that those feelings quickly dissolve. If they don’t go away, I write about them so they can be out of my head.
Anyway, I just wanted to update this list…share what I’ve been doing to help me move on and other projects I plan on taking because I’m passionate about them and they make me happy.
I had a really great day today, one of the best days I’ve had in weeks.
I woke up this morning with no message or call from my ex (I had asked to talk to her last night) so instead of just…waiting…I sent her an open and honest text about what has been bothering me because in the other text I sent her, I acted like everything was fine when it wasn’t. I’m still waiting for a reply but I’m just glad that I got it off my chest because I feel more proactive and in control rather than just waiting to get shit on.
After that, I had class and although nothing special happened, I had a great time after that.
Things have been crazy lately. There has been a lot of lectures from my parents as they struggle to understand and accept my “no-label” sexuality, tears, stress and anxiety, tension, and lack of sleep.
It’s funny how I thought my mom was going to take my sexuality well…she said I threw a bomb onto the house and she has been waking me up in the early mornings, hounding me with questions about my sexuality, giving me lectures about AIDS, expressing her distaste in my lack of religious beliefs and her disappointment in me, how she thinks I’ve been brainwashed…she has offended me many times.
Conversely, my dad, who also feels disappointed, is not acting that way toward me as much, and I thought he would be the parent that would take this news the hardest. He works a lot so he’s not around much…but when he is around things are generally okay with him.
However, I’m scared to be alone with my mom in fear that we’re going to get into an argument like we did yesterday. With my dad, I don’t think he’s randomly going to bring up my sexuality.
Anyway, things have been rough in my household lately. I’ve been fighting a lot and crying…I haven’t been this distressed with my parents since my sophomore year of high school. It’s kinda weird…I’ve been thinking about how and why we stopped fighting so much…it was because I stopped “rebelling” and started doing what they wanted me to do. Except the problem now isn’t with what I’m doing, it’s with who I am. Although they hated that I am dating Janice*.
I just got back from a Board of Ed meeting. It was terrible. They kept going around in circles with their discussion. It was a waste of an hour.
Even all principals/administrators in the district were bored. Many were texting or sleeping or zoning out. It was pretty funny.
I really hate gym. I have hyperactive sweat glands as it is, I don’t want to exert energy and become even sweatier. Let alone be sweating in the early morning, which is unfortunately when I have gym class.
My sister and I were walking to get a basketball and I was bitching about how I hate gym, how I don’t want a basketball, that I hate basketball…then I made a joke saying “I hate all balls”. Although I was joking, when I made that statement I instantly thought of my “up-in-the-air/questioning” sexuality and how I have been considering discussing with my sister about my questioning. She was thinking of sexuality too, apparently because she turned to stare at me in the eyes, stone-faced and asked, “Is that your way of coming out to me?”