No one knows
My inner heart
Where my feelings are conflicted
They all say “you’re in the closet”
But I feel more like I’m imprisoned
Trapped inside myself
Dark, solitary confinement
In the dark
I can still hear
The disgusting jeers
Violence and hate are used to create
Humiliation and shame
And loveless preachers preach that hell is a queer person’s fate
Yet the outed walk hand in hand with their dates
Pride shines on each face
I long to be with them
But for now, I’m safe
I’m behind bars
In the dark
Where it’s quiet
Where I’m surpressed
Passion and lust for love
Are all safe from hate
I hate that I have to “come out”
Why can’t a girl loving another girl be a norm?
It’s just the way some girls are born…
But even after many years
Many people coming out
And being proud
It’s still not widely accepted
In some places, being queer is not even talked about
At least I now know
And I can admit it
I like girls
I like them a lot
But journal, you’re the only one that knows
You’re the only one that I can
And it sucks that in this jail
I am alone.
© 2013-2014 Vic Romero
<<wrote this on 14 December 2013 before I came out to a few people…although I have come out to the most important people in my life (excluding my parents), I still feel like I’m in the closet (especially because my parents don’t know) but at least now I have people (and an amazing girl) to connect to and talk about my sexuality with. Anyway, below is the quote that inspired me to write this poem. The quote below that one is a great reflection of how I feel about my sexuality nowadays. Thank you for reading 🙂 >>
“They got it wrong when they called it “the closet.” This was a prison. Solitary confinement. I was locked inside, inside myself, dark and afraid and alone. (Chapter. 23)”
― Julie Anne Peters, Keeping You a Secret
“The best thing about coming out is, it’s totally liberating. You feel like you’ve made this incredible discovery about yourself and you want to share it and be open and honest and not spend all your time wondering how is this person going to react, or should I be careful around this person, or what will the neighbors say? And it’s more. It’s about getting past the question of what’s wrong with me, to knowing there’s nothing wrong, that you were born this way. You’re a normal person and a beautiful person and you should be proud of who you are. You deserve to live with dignity and show people your pride.”
― Julie Anne Peters, Keeping You a Secret
I’m so fucked. So, so incredibly fucked.
It was Sunday night. I made the boss I have huge crush on a mix CD after we had talked at work about bands that we liked…then I texted her asking if she was going to be at work on Tuesday morning because I was planning on going to my job to eat with a friend, and I wanted to give my boss the album.
Ever since that night I texted her, we have been talking…non-stop. Like…long messages.
Yesterday she texted me.
She is my former best friend. Former because I fell in love with her and then pushed her away. Too far away.
After coming out to myself and being able to confidently write “I like girls”, I enjoy talking to her again. I allow myself to feel all the gooey emotions that she evokes in me. I allow myself to love her.
But before, when I denied myself to feel love or lust for women, I was always angry at her.
- I want to be kissedGently by your full, lovely lipsOr eagerly, like you have finally foundWhat had been missingBefore I came aroundI want to be kissedNot beneath mistletoeBut in a room that is lit up, glowsTwinkling with icicle lightsI want to kiss until they burn out well, after midnightI want to be kissed by youAnd I want to feel you want meI want to feel the tremors overtake your bodyI want to hear you moanI want that passionThe sparks will inflame in the brick fireplaceAs the kindling fire between us will also burst into flamesKiss me foreverI don’t want to get coldOn these icy winter nightsAnd kiss me to consoleI want to be kissedYour warm lips, I missKiss me desperatelyCling to me, like it’s the last timeThat I will be yours and you will be mineKiss away your angerKiss away your despairKiss me any way you likeBut please just…kiss me©VicRomero
Okay…I’m going to try this blogging thing again. Hopefully this attempt to get out of my writer’s block is effective because I miss writing everyday.
So I got into a college, which is awesome. It’s a school I really like and because I live in-state I would only have to pay in-state tuition.
But…I’m a little bit worried about…like what I want to study. At the college I got into or another college…wherever. I’m generally undecided about what I want to major in but I know I want to either double major or minor in women, gender, and sexuality studies.
The reason I’m worried isn’t because I think my parents won’t be okay with that (my mom is all for it and although my dad would prefer me to only major in math or science he is not going to argue with my mom about it).
I’m worried because…well you know that saying that’s like…you are what you study?
my anxiety hates me my destiny awaits me i wonder if she’ll think i’m crazy once i confess once i get this off my chest will i even have a chance tonight will it go alright will it be correct will it be right feel right is it real is this how i truly feel or is this just another fantasy am i am trying to make my dreams a reality when it’s impossible when it’s illogical when it’s dumb because i’m young i don’t know and i hate it i hate being so unsure i don’t know how much longer i can take this feeling of possibly falling off course again with her i at least want to be friends…or at least i think i’m pretty sure i can handle it fuck this i’m going to shut up and just go and suck it up