• Speaking My Mind

    Life During the Apocalypse

    I’ve been ready and eager for some change since the end of last year, which was fueled by a new relationship, dissatisfaction with my full-time job, and aspiring for more in my life. I wanted more money, more independence, more responsibility, more education, more experience, more travel…more, more, more.

    So I set out to achieve all those things. I asked for a raise at both of my jobs, I started researching where I can take my career next, and I booked a trip to New Orleans.

    I was so excited about the NOLA trip because although I’ve traveled since graduating from college, I haven’t gone somewhere entirely new to me since 2017. This was also the first trip I went on without my family since the summer of 2016.

    The NOLA trip was more wonderful than I could’ve expected or hoped for, but as I was there, news that the coronavirus was becoming more serious in the US emerged.

    When I returned to work on a Monday, I returned to an entirely different company. My boss, who had foreshadowed that he wasn’t going to be there when I returned, was indeed gone. Two of my colleagues in the accounting department were also let go, and sixteen other people in the company nationwide were gone too. On top of all of that, the people that remained, including myself, took a pay-cut in the hopes that the company could weather out this uncertain and ruthless storm.

    Shortly after that, I lost my yoga job because the community gym I worked at understandably shuttered its doors.

    Now, the entire country and a majority, if not the entirety, of the world are living in an apocalyptic reality. A reality without physical human contact in lieu of virtual human connection. A reality with an unstable economy, loss of jobs, weakened immune systems, and loss of lives. My heart goes out to everyone who has been adversely impacted by this virus.

    The reason I’m writing is because…aside from craving to connect with you all, I’m intrigued by how strongly I desired so much change in my life…and in a month, my life has changed significantly…in a way I could not have even fathomed. Now I crave the familiarity and comfort of the past, even though I wasn’t my happiest a month ago. In hindsight, however, there was so much to be grateful for that I had taken for granted. A month ago, I was able to see my boyfriend every weekend, I was able to go to the grocery store without fear of getting sick and/or spreading illness to others…and I was able to leave the house.

    While it feels like there was more to be grateful for a few weeks ago, I remind daily myself that there is just as much, if not more, to be grateful for now. For example, my family, my friends, and I all are healthy, and I hope that continues.

    I am grateful to have a safe home to live in with clean, running water, electricity, and wifi. I am grateful to have the love and support of my family and my community. I am grateful for my “capital-Y” Yoga practice, which I’ve been leaning into so much lately…just to keep a smile on my face. I’m grateful to be growing and exploring my meditation practice and I’m grateful to share that with others via videoconferencing software. I am grateful for videoconferencing software and for cellphones. I am grateful to all the healthcare workers on the frontlines of this battle, and to all the scientists researching and studying this virus to develop better tests, vaccines, and cures.

    If you’re inspired to do so, please share what you are grateful for in the comments below. Stay safe, and much love.

    xx Vic

     

  • Speaking My Mind

    Seesaw

    I’m grateful to announce that I’ve recovered from my breathing issues. Thank you for all of your well-wishes.

    Since I’ve last written, I’ve been navigating feelings of entitlement and gratitude. Honestly, I think “entitled” has a more negative connotation than what I mean. “Deserving” might be a more suitable word. So…I feel deserving of more than what I have, and as a result, I have not been as grateful for what I do have.

    I think these two feelings tend to seesaw for me because previously, I was extremely grateful and if anything, I didn’t feel entirely deserving of what I received.

    Do these two feelings also seesaw for you?

    The shift from gratitude to deserving can be attributed to the tremendous growth that I’ve had over the last year and a half. For me, growth causes me to desire more for myself, which is totally natural and healthy. However, I don’t like how I’ve become rather negative and a little bitter about my current situation.

    After two months of reflecting on this, I came across this quote on a yoga Facebook group I am part of.

    Finding ways to feel good in the gap of space between where you are and where you want to be is everything.

    It was a helpful reminder that while I may not be completely satisfied with where I am at in my life, and while I aspire for much more, it is not beneficial to be miserable right now. It would better serve me if I enjoy this pause and if I find gratitude for it too. I will eventually get to where I want to be, and so will you.

    xx Vic

     

  • Speaking My Mind

    Harmony

    My life has been flowing pretty well.

    Seven months in, and I still enjoy my full-time job. I am continuing to learn so much there and I feel like I’ve made some valuable contributions. Additionally, I have a thriving part-time yoga-teaching job. I’m currently teaching two classes a week, but in 2020, I will be teaching three! Career stuff aside- I’ve accomplished a few of the goals I made for myself for 2019 and I’ve been upgraded from my dad’s old car from 2011 to my mom’s car, circa 2016.

    Essentially, I am living the life that I couldn’t even fathom as a possibility last year, however, I have been a bit depressed. I’ve been excessively critical of myself for being stuck in a routine, for not socializing enough, for not traveling, for not being adventurous, for not learning from my past mistakes, and for being unhappy when I have so much to be grateful for.

    Can anyone relate to this??

    I did an oracle reading the other day to help me refocus, and the card I pulled for my “obstacle to overcome” was “Harmony.” This caused me to wonder what exactly do I believe I need to be in harmony? 

    A year ago, I believed I needed a full-time job to feel at peace. I wanted to have somewhere to go every day, a place where I could make an impact. I wanted purpose and I wanted to begin my professional career. I also wanted to teach yoga so I could my passion for it.

    I have acquired both of those things, so now what? 

    Interestingly, one of the things I wanted last year but I feel at peace with now is graduate school. I am not anxious about going to graduate school. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to pursue higher education at some point, but I know that that “point” is not now. Based on my experience with flowing, I am confident that I will know when I am supposed to go back and I will also know what I want to study. So the lack of graduate school plans isn’t causing my current dissatisfaction.

    I suspect that my unhappiness and mild depression are primarily due to my feelings of nostalgia. It seems that when the temperature cools down in autumn, I begin to reminisce and romanticize the past. A year ago I was romanticizing my childhood, which was pretty wonderful, but at the end of the day, I was focusing on the past because I was lonely in the present. My childhood friends had all moved away and thus, I reminisced about them.

    Currently, I’ve been reminiscing about the hellish campaign job I had last year as well as my last relationship. I think the reason I’ve been nostalgic about my campaign job is that I miss some aspects of that job that I don’t have in my current position. For example, I miss the social nature of that job, although, at the time, I hated that the socializing was often late at night. In regards to my last relationship, I miss having someone to talk to daily. This is largely why I’ve been keeping myself busy with online dating.

    How can I find harmony with where I’m at right now? 

    The cards suggested I use guidance from higher powers, whether that be figures of authority and/or spiritual figures, to support me. I think I need to practice what I teach in my yoga classes: being present.

    Aside from practicing presence to achieve harmony, I have been writing quite a bit, I just haven’t been sharing my work. It’s been frustrating to spend hours or days on something and then have the work not feel…true to myself anymore. Maybe those feelings will change but if not, I’ll be working on new content. 🙂

    Have a great week, everyone!

    xx Vic

     

     

     

  • Speaking My Mind

    Planted Seeds

    Good morning, everyone! Happy Friday!

    I apologize for my absence last week. Unfortunately, I came down with a cold on my first day of work, so when I wasn’t working, I was sleeping. I’m grateful to report that I feel significantly better and that I’m back to my regular self!

    Aside from being sick, the last few weeks have been insightful and exciting. Before I started my new job, I took advantage of being unemployed by going on small adventures.

    The first two days of the week, I subbed at my previous temp job so I got some extra spending cash for my adventures. On Wednesday, I went to my alma mater and ate lunch with my sister. Then I spontaneously had dinner with my ex. On Thursday, I caught up with my friends from my Europe travels. It’s always wonderful to see them. Friday, after teaching my AM yoga class, I went to the city with my sister. Because it was so nice out, we walked a ton, it was fantastic. Then on Saturday, I visited a friend’s new apartment and neighborhood. The area had such a LGBTQ/hipster environment, it was cool to experience. On top of everything, I subbed for a yoga instructor all weekend.

    I suspect all the adventures, plus subbing all the yoga classes, were taxing on my immune system, causing me to get sick. It was well worth it though.

    Last Monday, I began my new job! I’ve been enjoying it a lot. My boss is kind and supportive, my coworkers are lovely and helpful, and the work has been challenging and exciting. The only thing I’m having a bit of a difficult time with at this new job is the amount of sitting I do all day.

    I’ve worked in an office before, so it’s not like I’m completely unaccustomed to a desk job. However, the previous office I was at was larger, so important places like the bathroom, the printer, and the kitchen were further apart, thus I walked more. The office I’m at now is significantly smaller, so I take probably 10 steps total to either go to the makeshift kitchen, to get something from the printer, and to go to the bathroom. All the sitting causes me to feel antsy, so sometimes I stand at my desk while I work. Unfortunately, the desk is not accommodating for working while standing, so I can’t stand for very long. I may get something on Amazon to make my desk and thus my workspace more comfortable. And/or I may go on a brief walk during my lunch break. If you have suggestions or thoughts, please share in the comments!

    Another new thing going on in my life: last week I taught my first yin class at the local community center/gym I regularly teach at. I’m so grateful to have this opportunity to teach an additional class and to teach a different yoga discipline. I am continuing to research workshops to take to expand my knowledge so I can integrate it into my classes. I have one in particular that I most certainly want to do, it’s just a matter of finding the courage to register.

    That’s about it for me. A lot of new seeds have been planted before the Spring Equinox. I’m eager to see what blooms.

    xx Vic

     

     

  • Speaking My Mind

    Rise and Grind!

    The title of this post makes me laugh.

    In all seriousness though, it is true. I rise before the sun does and I sleep well after it has fallen. This is primarily because I got a temporary full-time job!

    I’ve actually been enjoying both the job and the grinding. It may be a little odd to be excited about joining the rat race as well as working a conventional 9-5 (it’s actually, 8:30-5:30pm…the grinding is real), but it’s true. I love it. I love working consistent, normal hours, going to the same place every day, seeing the same people…I’m not even being sarcastic. It’s such a nice shift from attending a large university where there was tons of volatility in your schedule, working a campaign job which had weird hours, and then being unemployed since November.

    So yes, I’m finally in motion!

    I’m unsure how long I will have this role, so I’ve continued my job search. Thus, when I’m not working, I’m job hunting, interviewing, and completing surveys for interviews. It’s been a little intense. I can’t wait to get a full-time job and be able to spend my free time reading. The only reading I’ve had the energy to do lately has been through Audible, which is better than not reading at all. In fact, thanks to Audible, I’ll be finished with Pride and Prejudice soon!

    Anyway, the job itself is good. It’s not my “dream job,” but I’ve learned to express gratitude and to practice Santosha, or contentment. I’ve written about my realization that I need to find Santosha before, but I’ve noticed that I need to find it again. It all started on the second day of the job…

    I was feeling bummed out because the work is not mentally stimulating. There’s nothing wrong with the job, but it is very boring most days. The dullness allows my mind to wander and to partake in my favorite activity: comparing myself to everyone else. (This time, I’m being sarcastic. The comparison-trap leads to my self-destruction).

    My thoughts became consumed with Wow, I could have a career job right now, but instead I’m just answering phones and My friends have benefits, and I’m only getting paid hourly. Unsurprisingly, these self-pitying thoughts ruined my second day of work. After that, I realized that in order to not be miserable every day, and the only way to get as much as I can out of this experience, I have to change my perspective. That’s when I remembered Santosha, one of the Niyamas in Yoga philosophy. While practicing contentment, I realized that this is where the Universe wants me to be right now because the Universe totally conspired to get me this job.

    First of all, I had an interview for this job back in…late November I believe, and I got the interview through a job agency. I went to the interview already resistant to the job, which was probably why I never got an offer. I was exuding all this negative energy to the Universe that I didn’t want a job offer for this position because I deemed that the job was beneath me. Now I know better than to judge a job so harshly, especially when I’m unemployed.

    After that interview, I continued my bleak job search for months with the help of the temp agency. Then the holidays came around, I took the GRE, and I spend much-needed time with my sister who was home for break. Around the time my sister was preparing to return to school, I became antsier than I already was to get a job.

    Then in January, I had a job interview through the temp agency for a job that seemed perfect. I willed the Universe to let me have it from the beginning too.

    Well, the day I was supposed to hear back about the “desirable job,” I got a call from the agency about the job I had interviewed for back in November. Something hadn’t worked out with the person that they had hired and they needed a temp until they found someone externally. I was excited to have a job offer, even though it wasn’t the job that I wanted initially. Unlike last time, I wanted to accept it.

    Before I committed, I called up the other recruiter to find out if I got the “desirable job.” Well, surprise, I didn’t get it, so I accepted this job that I now have!

    This position was initially temp to permanent, but now that they want to hire externally, it’s just temporary. The fact that it was initially temp to perm frightened me because I didn’t want to be so committed to a mundane job, but now that it’s just temporary, I’ve been able to relax and really enjoy myself. Additionally, I’m working in an industry related to the field I want to be in, I’m interacting daily with people in this field, and I’m able to learn from them and network with them.

    Aside from full-time job stuff, I’m still teaching yoga and I’m loving it. I want to update you all soon on some new things I’ve learned as a teacher! That’ll be another post though.

    While I’m working full-time, I decided to post only once a week on Sunday mornings. If time permits, I’ll post during the week too. I’ll play it by ear.

    If you made it this far, thanks for reading 🙂

    xx Vic

     

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