I’ve begun watching Sex and the City, and it is an addictive show. First of all, I love 90s/early 2000s shows, and I also love shows that center around a group of friends that I can connect with. Lately, I’ve been connecting with Miranda in Season 2, who so far is bitter in regards to dating. She is closed off to getting serious with someone because every person she dates proves to be scum.
While I am not dating casually and thus I am not meeting scumbags, I think I’ve become bitter and closed off to dating. One of my hometown friends pointed it out to me on the phone recently. She affirmed my suspicion that I need more time alone to heal, but she also warned not to be closed off to dating in the future. Unfortunately, I currently don’t envision myself being open-hearted anytime soon, especially considering how I’ve sabotaged my breakup healing process time and time again. It’s as if I keep picking at the scab, which causes it to hurt and bleed, yet I wonder why the scab is taking so long to heal…
Let me provide an example.
A few days before my sister graduated from college, I found out my ex was in a new relationship. While it has been about four months since our breakup, up until the week prior to her committing to someone new, we had been talking nearly daily.
Yes, I know that this was not the best way to handle a non-mutual breakup.
Unsurprisingly, we weren’t talking amicably as friends. She would confess that she missed me, that she still wanted to be with me, etc. I would reciprocate the feelings of missing her and still loving her, but I repeated that I stood by my decision to end things.
Anyway, finding out that she was with someone new caused me to completely lose all control over my emotions. Hysteria transformed to despair, and then to possessive jealousy that inspired me to hook up with my ex in her car after a night of bar-hopping together.
No, I don’t know what I was thinking because I wasn’t thinking.
I gradually came to accept the situation, albeit with some bumps that still need to be smoothed out. Those bumps are called nostalgia with a few dashes of illusion: I miss who I was when we were together, I miss how we were together, and most confusing of all, I miss who I thought she was and/or who I wanted her to be.
Clearly, I am not emotionally capable to casually date, let alone get seriously involved with someone. Instead, I want to spend time with my friends and family and mingle with new people. I want to focus on my full-time job, on teaching and studying yoga, on reading, and on creating. I think I’ve been pretty successful in doing these things, although it takes a lot more energy to do them rather than mindlessly watching TV, which was what I was doing previously.
When my energy feels low or when I get trapped in the nostalgia/illusion bumps, it’s helpful to reflect on why I ended things with her. There are a few reasons: I didn’t feel like I was being treated the way I deserved, no matter how many times we talked about our issues, and I didn’t want to be held back anymore. I didn’t want to spend so much time and energy on our relationship, partially attributed to the fact that it had become taxing and toxic. Most importantly though, I broke things off because I wanted to focus completely on myself. I wanted to be selfish and I didn’t want to feel bad about it.
I do believe that I’ve attracted more positivity into my life since releasing the heavy, negative energy of my last relationship. However, waves of loneliness crash on me sometimes, especially when my friends share stories about or pictures of their serious relationships. It causes me to crave the rush of falling in love, of being in love, and feeling at home with someone. It simultaneously causes me to desire more single friends I can commiserate with about dating, like in Sex and the City.
Anyway, I will have to manage with the occasional loneliness because I don’t want to put myself out there yet. I wouldn’t be offering my best self because I don’t feel like my best self even to myself. I want to finally allow the scab to heal and I want to smooth out all the bumps around it. Hopefully, it won’t take as long as it did when my first ex and I split, but even if it does, I want to have my own fun in the meantime.
I realized yesterday that’s it’s been six months since I’ve been in a relationship. It’s crazy how much has changed since then, and how much I’ve changed. I’ve become stronger and more self-loving after having accidentally putting my heart in the wrong hands. I now realize that the awful way I was treated had nothing to do with me. Despite knowing this now, it took me a long time to believe it. I spent that time beating myself up and dwelling on the pain she caused me. Now that I believe it, I still think about it though.
snow has been falling
covering the frozen earth
it’s the angels’ breath
snow has been falling
for what seems like hours now
a blanket of white
snow has been falling
and i’ve been falling for you
ever since we met
i am falling hard
as the flakes drift down to earth
perhaps the snow banks
will soften the blow when I
crash into the earth
for you’re the angel
breathing out the white snowflakes
cold, but warms my heart
© Copyrights 2014 Vic Romero
My lungs fill up with death
After inhaling another cold, icy breath
My lips and fingers are a bit blue
Tears freeze on each cheek too
My heart is bruised
I am different
But I don’t know if anyone will accept it
I walk briskly and think of what could be
And reminisce about what could’ve been for me
The loose ends are still frayed threads
Only now I have a loving, kind friend
That holds the ends together
She promised ‘always’…does that mean forever?
Lost in my thoughts
I forget how to walk
Although I remember each step I made
And I know each step I still have to take
As I approach what is supposed to be home
The place my heart has left so long ago
I hope that someone somewhere will one day accept me
© 2013 VicRomero
*image from Google
the quietness envelops me as i’m sitting here alone strewn out to sea
i go back and forth with the waves up and down as my mind craves
unstable and emotionally dependent god i’m disgusting i’ve had enough i’m fed up
i want to end this attempt at psychological suicide that bears a heavy burden on my mind
i’m happy yeah i’m fine
but then the waves come crashing down i hear the roars in my ears
i cannot deal i cannot heal
with these thoughts swirling and
how can i make lasting relationships if i’m so pessimistic if i’m so hateful so self-loathing
so i turn to something like myself i turn to something distasteful
scrolling through the mounds of flesh they all look the same and ultimately i’m no better than before
i want i need i’m desperate for something more
i can’t remember why i loved her why i liked her why i loved him
heck i cannot even remember what it was like to feel something so overpowering that i could lose all rationality and only feel
so numb so dumb no fun is how i live how i try to live how i can only deal
and it’s so surreal it hurts although i claim to be healed
when it comes to stumbling across old messages to stumbling across old messes to stumbling across her
when i’m walking with my head facing the ground facing the floor
but tripping is to be expected when i’m not paying attention
because i’m always distracted by my thoughts of wanting more