My girlfriend and I had our first date as girlfriends last Friday, March 14th. We were supposed to have that date on March 7th, but instead I spent that day with her and a bunch of our friends. March 6th was the day that I had been yelled at for dating her…I didn’t sleep much that night. My girlfriend stayed up with me and texted me, trying to console me. She’s been amazing and patient.
Anyway, last Friday we went on our date. I told my parents I was hanging out with my best friend. In reality, Janice* took me to an Italian restaurant but the restaurant side was closed so we just got pizza and we ran into all of her old teachers and my current accounting teacher there. Then she took me to her house, I briefly met her dad then was led to her room. She shares a room with her twin sister.
There was nowhere to sit except for the bed, so I opted for the floor, suddenly feeling very nervous. I hadn’t been alone with my girlfriend for more than two hours for the past month…and the last time we hung out alone for more than two hours, we weren’t officially girlfriends. As of that Friday, we have been girlfriends for two weeks and a day.
Janice teased me for looking so uncomfortable, especially when she deemed it a good idea to change her shirt randomly. I looked at the wall, my throat constricting. Then we decided to put on Perks of Being A Wallflower. I had lent her the book awhile ago and she had just finished it, so we were going to watch the movie. She suggested I sit on her bed so I nervously took off my shoes and flopped myself down on her tiny twin-size bed.
Things have been crazy lately. There has been a lot of lectures from my parents as they struggle to understand and accept my “no-label” sexuality, tears, stress and anxiety, tension, and lack of sleep.
It’s funny how I thought my mom was going to take my sexuality well…she said I threw a bomb onto the house and she has been waking me up in the early mornings, hounding me with questions about my sexuality, giving me lectures about AIDS, expressing her distaste in my lack of religious beliefs and her disappointment in me, how she thinks I’ve been brainwashed…she has offended me many times.
Conversely, my dad, who also feels disappointed, is not acting that way toward me as much, and I thought he would be the parent that would take this news the hardest. He works a lot so he’s not around much…but when he is around things are generally okay with him.
However, I’m scared to be alone with my mom in fear that we’re going to get into an argument like we did yesterday. With my dad, I don’t think he’s randomly going to bring up my sexuality.
Anyway, things have been rough in my household lately. I’ve been fighting a lot and crying…I haven’t been this distressed with my parents since my sophomore year of high school. It’s kinda weird…I’ve been thinking about how and why we stopped fighting so much…it was because I stopped “rebelling” and started doing what they wanted me to do. Except the problem now isn’t with what I’m doing, it’s with who I am. Although they hated that I am dating Janice*.
god i’m so sorry i have broken your heart i’m so sorry i have gone about this all wrong i’m so sorry i have wished all along that we could get along but i screw it all up and i’m so sorry i keep tearing you apart with every article of clothing that i pack it feels to you like a smack like a stab in the back i’m so sorry that this hurts you so bad i’m sorry but it hurts me too my heart is covered with black and blues and i’m sorry i hadn’t told you the truth but it’s hard to be honest when i couldn’t even be honest with myself i didn’t know how to go to you i didn’t know how to ask for help i’m sorry but i was lying in the dirt of the tears that i had been crying for hours for days for years i was dying for so long but at least all of my tears showered the withered flowers so they lived on so they grew up to be strong as i was corroding away as i was deteriorating into dust but at least i becoming something because before i was nothing i was just living to waste my time until i died i was making the motions and imitating life…
but now i feel whole i feel content with myself and i don’t apologize for finally being who i am
© 2014 Vic Romero
I’m so fucked. So, so incredibly fucked.
It was Sunday night. I made the boss I have huge crush on a mix CD after we had talked at work about bands that we liked…then I texted her asking if she was going to be at work on Tuesday morning because I was planning on going to my job to eat with a friend, and I wanted to give my boss the album.
Ever since that night I texted her, we have been talking…non-stop. Like…long messages.
Since I’ve been coming to terms with my sexuality as well as discovering the other types of sexualities that exist, I have read a lot of books. I decided that I should list them and give brief reviews of them…maybe someone who is also discovering who they are will find this list to be helpful.
I have struggled with finding good LGBTQ books…specifically ones that have female main characters. I’m unsure if that’s because there aren’t that many books regarding lesbian relationships as there are gay relationships…but then again, there aren’t even that many books that deal with gay relationships. Anwho…this is what I have found and read thus far.
- I want to be kissedGently by your full, lovely lipsOr eagerly, like you have finally foundWhat had been missingBefore I came aroundI want to be kissedNot beneath mistletoeBut in a room that is lit up, glowsTwinkling with icicle lightsI want to kiss until they burn out well, after midnightI want to be kissed by youAnd I want to feel you want meI want to feel the tremors overtake your bodyI want to hear you moanI want that passionThe sparks will inflame in the brick fireplaceAs the kindling fire between us will also burst into flamesKiss me foreverI don’t want to get coldOn these icy winter nightsAnd kiss me to consoleI want to be kissedYour warm lips, I missKiss me desperatelyCling to me, like it’s the last timeThat I will be yours and you will be mineKiss away your angerKiss away your despairKiss me any way you likeBut please just…kiss me©VicRomero
We were simply discussing Macbeth. Then the discussion transformed into sex changes and…some foul-mouthed girl shouted her offensive opinion as seen above, which quickly led my english teacher to change the subject.
I bit my tongue, refraining from saying something in retaliation. I wanted to say something along the lines of “that is offensive and inappropriate”…but when my teacher changed the subject and everyone moved on….I felt like it was too late.
But it wasn’t. If the girl can attack transgender individuals, then I can defend them.
I really should have said something. I told my little sister about it after school, who I consider to be a HUGE LGBTQ advocate and supporter, and she agreed that I should have said something right then and there. But she also suggested that I should not let it go and that I speak with my teacher about how the remark was ignored tomorrow. (my little sister is wiser beyond her years).
Yeah, my teacher didn’t say something horribly disgusting like what the girl said, but by ignoring the statement, my teacher is not stopping discrimination either. My teacher’s opinion on transgender individuals is irrelevant. She should have said that what the girl said is offensive and inappropriate, regardless of her opinion.
This is not the first time the girl has had an outburst of slurs. She has made racial slurs as well.
Tomorrow I plan on talking to my teacher about this…we have these neon green posters in all the classrooms that say “in this class we do not discriminate others based on their religion, sexuality…etc etc” and the girl’s remark broke that code. My teacher broke that code by not standing up. I broke that code by not standing up.
Being a bystander to hate and discrimination is no better than being the bully.
Although it would have been better if I had said something then, I will say something tomorrow so when the girl makes a slur again (which I’m sure she will), hopefully my teacher will think twice before simply ignoring it.
Okay…I’m going to try this blogging thing again. Hopefully this attempt to get out of my writer’s block is effective because I miss writing everyday.
So I got into a college, which is awesome. It’s a school I really like and because I live in-state I would only have to pay in-state tuition.
But…I’m a little bit worried about…like what I want to study. At the college I got into or another college…wherever. I’m generally undecided about what I want to major in but I know I want to either double major or minor in women, gender, and sexuality studies.
The reason I’m worried isn’t because I think my parents won’t be okay with that (my mom is all for it and although my dad would prefer me to only major in math or science he is not going to argue with my mom about it).
I’m worried because…well you know that saying that’s like…you are what you study?