• Yoga

    Living with Uncertainty

    Despite how heavy my foot was on the gas, it felt like we were driving in slow-motion. I was weaving around the cars in my way and tailgating them as my dad clutched his side and dry heaved into a plastic bag. I had never driven so recklessly and aggressively.

    I pulled to the front of the emergency room and he pulled himself out, hobbling toward the door. I quickly parked in the deck and with shaky hands, I put on my sweatshirt and sprinted to the ER after him. He was already inside, sitting in a wheelchair and checking himself in when I arrived. He had stopped shouting in pain and was relatively calm as he sat there.

    They told him a room would be available in a few minutes as they wheeled him to the side to wait. Suddenly, his calm expression broke into one of agony and his mouth opened wide to verbally release the torture his body was causing him. I rubbed his back and reminded him to breathe deeply, hoping it would pacify him. It did not. He continued to cry and shout in the waiting room while people checked in. Then he started vomiting into a plastic bag. I got him tissues to wipe his face and I asked the administrator when the room would be ready. I was impatient at this point.

    Fifteen minutes later, a nurse slowly meandered over and wheeled him to the room he would spend the next six hours in. Ironically, it was the same room he had spent nine hours in, the same time last year. That time was for a different emergency though.

    After several hours, multiple doses of pain medication, and many tests, the doctor diagnosed him with kidney stones. He was able to pass it in the hospital and be released the same day.

    Life is obviously uncertain, but it didn’t use to scare me as much as it does now. My cousin’s death has completely transformed the way I perceive the world and it has caused me to raise questions that I otherwise wouldn’t have asked or even considered. While I feel like I have more compassion and gratitude for life, I have also come to recognize as life as being very fragile. This has caused me to develop fears that I did not use to have. Some of the fears are silly while others make more sense but… I haven’t seemed to overcome them all yet.

    The terrifying experience I had with my dad on Monday as well as the volcanic tragedy in Guatemala, among many other tragedies that people experience, has caused me to reexamine the reality that life is fragile.

    I had shared this realization with the grief group I used to attend about two years ago now. Many of my peers had solemnly nodded their heads in agreement as I shared my concerns and worries about this fact. The therapist, however, raised the question: how do you deal with uncertainty?

    One method for coping that my peers came up with included acknowledging the challenges we had faced previously and that anything that comes next can be overcome too. Another idea was to focus on the present rather than worrying about what might never occur.

    Since I’ve been learning more about yoga philosophy for my yoga training, I’ve learned another effective method for challenging my fears is to be in a state of mind that is described in the Yoga Sutras, which is upeksha, or “indifference.” I learned about this idea in an article from The Yoga Journal written by Frank Jude Boccio titled, “Calm within.”

    Boccio deems it is more apt to regard upeksha as “equanimity” rather than “indifference.” He defines equanimity as “a state of even-minded openness that allows for a balanced, clear response to all situations, rather than a response born of reactivity or emotion.” He adds that it is a balanced state of mind and heart. It allows one to experience pleasure and pain without clinging to it or condemning it. In other words, equanimity is about experiencing life and different situations without judging it as good or bad and therefore, maintaining an emotional detachment from it.

    For example, my dad had kidney stones and needed to be hospitalized. It’s not good or bad, it just happened. He was able to get the care he needed to alleviate his pain through hospitalization, and he was working from home that day which enabled me to drive him there. So..while it may seem unfortunate that he had to be hospitalized for this condition, it was actually perfect timing and everything panned out well. In the moment, however, it was scary and awful but it needed to happen this way. If he was at work, he would’ve been taken to a hospital that was further away and it would, therefore, take the rest of my family longer to get to him.

    Equanimity is also about realizing that while you can’t be responsible for nor can you control what happens in life, you can control your reactions. I controlled my reaction by driving him to the hospital, and I let the doctors take control of the situation.

    The last aspect of equanimity as Boccio describes it is that you have to open your heart while simultaneously letting go of expectations and attachment to results. This aligns with what I’ve been reading in the Bhagavad Gita, which is Hindu scripture traditionally written in Sanskrit. It is part of several books of epic poetry.

    The god, Krishna, tells a warrior, Arjuna, that it is important to act for the action’s sake, and not for the results, whether that be success or failure. This equanimity is yoga. (The physical aspect of yoga that is the most popularized is only one limb of yoga philosophy. Yoga is actually a more comprehensive philosophy with eight limbs).

    I believe this type of mindset and state of being would be beneficial to me and it is something that I would like to practice in both my asana practice as well as in meditation. This way I can keep a level head when difficult situations emerge and I can also live with less fear than what I live with now.

    How do y’all feel about equanimity? How do you live with uncertainty?

    xx Vic

  • Short Stories

    There She Goes

    Fall 2016

    The glossiness of the dark wooden casket reflected my teary-eyed face. I have never cried so much in my life, and I’ve never been so devasted by a death before. Your death was unexpected, not that death is ever really expected…it was an accident.

    My mom squeezed my shoulder when she touched the smooth surface of the box in which your body lied. Your sister, your parents, and the rest of your family were all there, desperately trying to connect with you through this touch. Most of us didn’t get to see you one last time before we buried you…because it was an accident. It was probably better that the only memories I have of you are from when you were alive anyway.

    My parents did see you in the critical condition you were in though: they were the first ones at the hospital. You wouldn’t have known that though because according to the doctors, you were brain-dead upon impact. My mom said she had clutched your feet when you were lying there, in the hospital bed. Now, we all touch the wooden casket, seeking some form of relief from it. Trying to connect with you.

    Winter 2017

    As my family drove through mountainous farmland on the winding roads to where your body lies, I reflected on how you would have felt about the location. You hated the suburbs, let alone the rural atmosphere of Virginia. You had made it clear that you aspired to be in the city since your decision to attend Pittsburg University, and then later by moving to Jersey City and then to Newark. You were getting closer and closer to Manhattan, but you never had the chance move across the Hudson River.

    When my dad parked the car and we ambled out, the entire family encircled your gravestone. It was beautifully engraved, and your mom ensured that you had fresh flowers daily. We prayed, and then we cried, and then we laughed…reminiscing about our lives with you. Honored to have gotten to know you. By connecting with each other about the past, we reconnected with you.

    I walked around to the back of the gravestone and noticed the depiction of the city skyline. I remember that I thought…that it looked like the city crossed the Hudson River to come to you.

    Happy 27th birthday. 

    © 2018 Vic Romero

    All Rights Reserved.

     

     

     

     

  • Poetry

    playing games

    all this is, is a fling

    i remind myself as you grab my waist

    all this is, is a fling

    i repeat in my head as you hasten

    to pull your shirt over your muscular back

    allowing my fingertips to explore the expanse of your chest

    inhibitions, we lack

    all this is, is a fling

    i feel the words form in my mouth

    but then your tongue pushes its way in

    knocking them out

    your body forces me down onto your bed

    your body covers mine

    and you seek to pull apart my threads

    all this is, is a fling

    i grapple with the meaning of those words

    because i constantly seem to forget

    my heart subverts

    these fucking words in my head

    your lips are kissing and sucking down my body now

    i’m so hot and turned on now

    you’re torturing me

    both physically and emotionally

    why can’t you fucking stay?

    why can’t you please fucking stay?

    all this is, is a fling

    i clench my teeth when i remember

    that there is no future come the spring

    because you’re leaving at the end of december

    this is just a fling, Vic

    i finally accept it

    and every time i do, i feel sick

    but then that feeling is quickly replaced with elation

    © 2018 Vic Romero

    All Rights Reserved

    #repost

  • Poetry

    Self-Portrait at Twenty-two

    I.

    A reflection

    Of a forlorn face

    In the grimy window

    Of the bus as it creaks along.

    I try my hardest to look beyond it

    To look at the landscape as we drive along

    But the grimy windows don’t seem to permit it.

     

    II.

    The white smoke escapes my lips

    While black tar enters my lungs

    I sigh, in bliss

    My head buzzing and ears ringing

    Enjoying the silence from the cold evening

    The stillness

     

    Later, I reenter the party

    Mingle and mix with everybody

    And smile because for this one night,

    I’m not lonely

     

    Even later, there are

    Dark bedrooms and

    Faceless bodies with

    Forgettable names but

    Regrettable moments

     

    III.

    An accident.

    Blood…

    Broken bones…

    Barely breathing…

    The absence of a heartbeat.

     

    IV.

    Relief.

    In the form of a woman

    Caramel skin and dark,

    Almond-shaped eyes

    A soft smile when her lips say my name

     

    V.

    The golden sunlight-

    An unwelcome guest

    Shines through the cracks

    Of the closed blinds

    Seeping through the thin skin

    Of my eyelids

    Making itself known

     

    The sunlight illuminates the caramel skin

    Of the woman wrapped in the sheets

    Entangled in my limbs

    Breathing soundly

     

    Eventually, I succumb to its insistence

    That I arise

    I disentangle my limbs and

    I welcome the sun

    To this new day

    Stretching my arms over my body

    In salutation

    Then folding over my feet

    Bowing in respect

    And appreciation

    To be alive

     

    © 2018 Vic Romero

    All rights reserved.

  • Short Stories

    Stifling Heat

    I stared up at the ceiling fan as it whirled overhead. It was attempting to provide a breeze in the sweltering evening heat but to little avail. My oversized t-shirt clung to my back, sticky with perspiration. I raised my feet into the air, feeling the slight breeze tickle my soles. Then I rolled onto my right side and stared directly into the electric fan. The wind it created was aggressive and loud. My hair blew off of my face and I sighed blissfully.

    Then my phone pinged.

    I glanced at it, unamused, and snatched it off of the chipping, white side table. It was Ashley.

    I heard what happened to you and Tom. I’m so sorry.

    I frowned and turned off my phone. She’s not sorry, she is probably thrilled that he’s now available. She always liked him. I could tell by the way she looked at him and how she talked to him.

    I rolled back onto my back and resumed staring into the ceiling fan, hoping to be hypnotized into a deep sleep.

    Sleep. What a foreign concept to me at this point. I haven’t slept since we broke up a week ago. It’s been even longer since I’ve slept alone. Two years. It’s been two years…I don’t know how to sleep alone anymore.

    I closed my eyes, hoping that if I pretended to be asleep, I’d eventually trick myself into falling asleep this time. Instead of looking at the back of my eyelids though, I was confronted by Tom’s face hovering over me, illuminated by the moon through the window. He was smiling mischievously, some locks of his golden hair falling into his eyes. Then I felt his warm, calloused fingers draw circles on my right arm. His breath was warm when he leaned in and whispered in my ear, “Tell me what you want.”

    I smiled, relieved that he was back. He tenderly kissed my face, but when I tried to kiss him, he shook his head, his grin widening.

    “Tell me first,” he said, kissing my neck. The sensation sent chills down my body, and simultaneously ignited my skin. “Tell me what you want.”

    I slid my hand across my hot stomach and brushed the top of my pubic bone.

    “I want you,” I gasped as my fingers dipped lower, probingly.

    “What do you want me to do?” he asked, kissing his way down my chest.

    My touch sent a wave of warmth over my body. “I want you to…” I panted.

    “What do you want me to do?” he asked, looking into my eyes.

    “I want you to—”

    Then my body shook, and everything felt like it was on fire.

    When my breathing slowed and I relaxed, I whispered, “I want you to be here.” I opened my eyes expectedly as if I had just performed a spell to summon him. All I saw though, was the whirling ceiling fan in my dark room. I was alone.

    My face crumbled. The satisfaction that I created dissipated and tears streamed down my cheeks.

    © 2018 Vic Romero – Performance Poetics Spring 2018

  • Poetry,  Speaking My Mind

    Quiting Smoking (Version 2)

    We ignited quickly,

    The sparks between us

    Became consuming flames

    We burned bright

    On dark, cold nights.

    It was refreshing

    To inhale you

    And to exhale loneliness

     

    You may have been comforting,

    But you weren’t good for me

    You sucked out all my oxygen,

    Filled my lungs with tar,

    And singed my fingers.

    I had held onto your fire

    For far too long

     

    So I let you go…

    Dropped you to the ground

    To find a way out

    Of your ensnarement.

     

    You were addictive, though.

     

    A couple of days would pass,

    But I could never last

    For very long

    Without your fire

     

    © 2017 Vic Romero – Creative Writing Fall 2017

    Read the original version of this piece here.

  • Poetry,  Speaking My Mind

    over time

    first

    you will be dumbfounded

    your heart will plummet

    into the depths of your stomach

    as the whole world before you

    tumbles

    as if the entire universe

    was shoved into a dryer

    spinning

    steady yourself

    on someone’s shoulder

    first

     

    then

    when strangers

    you haven’t seen

    since you were a newborn

    all cluster together,

    solemnly murmuring

    donning dark colors

    touching the glossy wood

    of the coffin

    the magnitude of death

    will feel heavy

    you will

    need to sit

    and your aunt

    will comfort you

    then

     

    later

    when you call her up

    because you start to forget her voice-

    but the line has been disconnected

    when her seat at the table for the holidays

    is vacant

    year after year

    when her sister

    has become an only child

    when you get older

    and she doesn’t-

    the passing of time just means

    that she’s been gone longer

    you will understand

    the finality of death

    later

    © 2017 Vic Romero – Creative Writing Fall 2017

  • Speaking My Mind

    Angel

    On December 22nd, my girlfriend unexpectedly had to put her dog, Angel, down.

    I accompanied her to the vet, which was two hours away, and the doctor’s prognosis was that the dog had a large tumor across the front of her neck, and she recommended a veterinary hospital to visit.

    The following day, we were able to take her dog to the hospital, which was earlier than the original appointment we had had. When my girlfriend put angel in the backseat beside me, she was in worse shape than the day prior. This time she was drooling a ton and wouldn’t even prop herself up; she just lied beside me. I petted her head for a bit while my girlfriend drove, but then after about fifteen minutes, Angel started coughing a lot and had a seizure. She was gagging on her saliva. The rest of the drive to the hospital was very stressful.

  • Speaking My Mind

    I Think About You Everyday

    I’ve been rather depressed since my cousin’s passing.  Depressed, scared, and pensive about morbid things.

    I’ve been thinking about death…what was it like for my cousin to die?  It makes me feel bad to think about that since the accident was so violent…but it also makes me sad to think about how her last feeling may have been fear. It hurts me to think she may have been in pain too, although the doctor said she died upon impact, but who really knows?  Maybe they said it for our sake.

  • Poetry,  Speaking My Mind

    Your Last

    I hope your last emotion wasn’t fear.
    Did you see it coming?
    I hope your last sight wasn’t the glaring headlights.
    Did you run?

    I hope your last touch wasn’t the hard metal
    Nor the rough pavement against your cheek

    I hope the last thing you heard wasn’t the roar of the engine
    Nor your roommate shrilly screaming your name.

    I hope your last taste wasn’t the blood that flooded your mouth.
    Did it choke you?
    I hope your last smell wasn’t the burning rubber when the truck left you behind
    Did you suffer?

    I hope you didn’t.

    © 2016 Vic Romero

    My cousin was killed crossing the street on 3 September 2016.

    Twenty years with you doesn’t feel like enough time, but I’m grateful to at least have that. Chris, thank you for being my big sister, I love you. RIP.

%d bloggers like this: