• Poetry,  Speaking My Mind

    parasite

    i relinquished my power to you and my better judgement at my expense because your so-called love and cheap affection caused my heart to pound against the bones in my chest and you felt my heart jumping when you caressed my breast but you chalked it up to being in the moment although my feelings for you ran and still run much deeper and i ignored the warning signs and continued running as the descent got steeper and it all caught up to me when i tripped and fell and tumbled to my doom maybe we just met too soon otherwise you may have been feeling the same way too…but you don’t. you never did. why did i think that you did? did you change your mind? it feels like you have just been manipulating me all this time…and it’s not okay.  it’s not okay how you kept asking when i said “no” because i wasn’t going to change my mind at least not that night and it’s not okay how you reduced me to my body and it’s not okay for stringing me along leading me on convincing me that we’re something we’re not when you knew all along and you watched me comprised my wants and needs for this bullshit “friendship” like hell we were never friends and i’m still…unsure if i can keep trying to tie these loose ends don’t you see that you’re only hurting me why do i keep doing what you want you’re not the boss of me i want my fucking agency back because i’m tired of feeling mad and sad and anxious and scared this shouldn’t feel so hard and it shouldn’t hurt so much to cut you out you’re a parasite so get out of my sight get out get out get out

    © 2016 Vic Romero

  • Poetry

    playing games

    all this is, is a fling

    i remind myself as you grab my waist

    all this is, is a fling

    i repeat in my head as you hasten

    to pull your shirt over your muscular back

    allowing my fingertips to explore the expanse of your chest

    inhibitions, we lack

    all this is, is a fling

    i feel the words form in my mouth

    but then your tongue pushes its way in

    knocking them out

    your body forces me down onto your bed

    your body covers mine

    and you seek to pull apart my threads

    all this is, is a fling

    i grapple with the meaning of those words

    because i constantly seem to forget

    my heart subverts

    these fucking words in my head

    your lips are kissing and sucking down my body now

    i’m so hot and turned on now

    you’re torturing me

    both physically and emotionally

    why can’t you fucking stay?

    why can’t you please fucking stay?

    all this is, is a fling

    i clench my teeth when i remember

    that there is no future come the spring

    because you’re leaving at the end of december

    this is just a fling, Vic

    i finally accept it

    and every time i do, i feel sick

    but then that feeling is quickly replaced with elation

    © 2018 Vic Romero

    All Rights Reserved

    #repost

  • Short Stories,  Speaking My Mind

    St. Elmo’s Fire

    You shift in your sleep, your knee moving to rest against my thigh.  I stiffen as you exhale and tuck your head beneath the crook of my neck.  I tentatively inhale, your hair tickling my nose.  I’m enveloped in your scent as I lie here, awake in your bed.  Acoustic rock had lulled us to sleep, and later, had woken us up.  You must’ve turned it off at some point.

    I want to roll over, but I’m afraid to move.  More than that, I’m afraid you’ll move away.  I would prefer to remain close to you, but I’m still unsure if that’s where you want me to be.  I’m also unsure if I would be crossing a boundary if I got closer.

    You roll over, turning away from my neck.  I roll over to face the wall.  Your leg, however, finds mine again.

    © 2016 Vic Romero

     

  • Poetry,  Speaking My Mind

    PIV

    This is an extremely raw write…I wrote this over the course of several days back in April-March…tears always stung my eyes as I added a couple of lines on my way to class or when I couldn’t focus on studying…I could edit this and clean it up, but I kind of like how…raw and therefore rough it is. I feel like it helps depict my mentality at that time…jagged edges and ill-fitting puzzle pieces. 


    At this point, I’m only torturing myself

    Because I know well

    That nothing will become of this.

    I don’t want it to anyway

    This relationship would drive

    myself crazy

    Because you’re too lazy

    To treat me right

    And you’re a vault

    Locked up tight

     

    I must love how you hurt me

    Because I’m not coming undone from your touch

    No

    Only you get satisfied

    So why do I keep entangling myself

    In these cheap affairs

    There’s nothing in it for me

    In the end

     

    We’re not going to last

     

    I think I rather be alone

    Than be with you and feel miserable

    Our relationship isn’t transparent

    And there isn’t a point in talking about it anymore

    Since it’ll only fall on deaf ears

    Like what has happened before

    It’s exhausting trying to one-up you

    I’m killing myself so you can’t

    But there isn’t a point

    Since I can’t accomplish anything if I’m dead

    We aren’t friends

    We don’t know how to be friends

     

    I’ve known all of this for awhile now

    Ever since I realized you aren’t lonely

    You just want someone to fuck

    Or a thing

    I lose my autonomy with you

    As you pursue sexual satisfaction

    I remain still for you

    Your hands graze my body

    And penetrate me

    To please you

    And you alone

     

    I am enough

    You’re not allowed to make me feel less than


    But I’m not gonna stop entertaining your texts

    And I won’t stop spending the night

    Until you stop inviting me

    Because ending the hurricane that we are

    Means also ending the rainbow in my life

     

    I’m not really part of anything

    A stray leaf floating through branches covered in leaves that match each other

    But I’m different colored

    Mixing everything together

     

    You’re no longer allowed to camp out at the forefront of my mind

    I have other things to think about

    Other friendships to foster

    And problems I want to solve

    You treat me like I’m ordinary

    And I deserve better

     

    I like the idea of you

    I like hooking up with you because I like you

    You like hooking up with me because I’m convenient

    I am just a body

    Without agency

    A rag doll

    Raggedy Vie

     

    © 1 March 2016 Vic Romero



  • Speaking My Mind

    Staying Gold

    The last couple weeks of the semester has caused me to feel glum due to stress over my academics as well as my social life. To sum it up: I am in the middle. The in-between. The grey area.

    Every aspect of my life seems to fit that description. My sexuality and race/ethnicity, as noted in this post, my affiliated religion (I don’t identify as anything, I just don’t think about it), my majors (WGS and Economics)..I can’t seem to ever fall into one, absolute category. Perhaps it’s because I’m going and I’m still discovering myself and the world or perhaps it’s a false pretense that people can ever fall into one category. Regardless, this thought also applies to my friends.

    I don’t have a clique or group of friends. Every time I think I do, I get proven wrong. It’s exhausting, hurtful, and lonely. I was complaining to my good friend, Steph, about it and she told me it was okay to be an outsider in the sense I don’t belong anywhere, I just have random friends here and there. She said I have years to figure out the friends I want to be making and who stays in my life too. She’s right but..I think the nature of college is extremely lonely without a group. Without a group, you tend to get left out and excluded. At least that’s been my experience. If I commuted, for example, I probably wouldn’t care at all about lacking a social circle.

    Anyway..I’m writing because despite how much I feel like an outsider, a misfit, a loner, or whatever it may be, I’ve done some pretty badass things. Perhaps I wouldn’t have done them if I didn’t feel so alone.

  • Short Stories,  Speaking My Mind

    Greyness

    Of course, he had decided to take the highway.  There was no traffic on the highway, so there was no stopping.  He must’ve known that if there was an opportunity to jump out of the car, I would’ve taken it.

    I slumped down further in the passenger seat, my arms crossed over my body protectively as his words sliced through my skin.  He said we were having this conversation because he loves me, but I wasn’t feeling loved at all.  It wasn’t even a conversation; it was a lecture.  A lecture about me.  About what’s wrong with me.

  • Speaking My Mind

    Full Circle?

    My best friend at college, Tatiana,* is amazing.  She understands that I don’t want to hang out with the guy I mentioned in my previous post. He usually texts me but he’s stopped because he’s fucking other women, which proves he was only talking to me because I was willing to hook up with him. We were never friends, and we’re not friends now.

    Anywho, she understands how I feel about him, and she knows how I want to connect more with her boyfriend because he’s super cool, so she brought us all together to go out to eat dinner and then party.  I had so much fun, I got super drunk.  We all took our shirts off and we were dancing on each other and it was just a ton of fun.  I ended up going home with them because I was too drunk to navigate my way back home.  Tatiana passed out and her boyfriend and I talked about the guy that they’re both best friends with and that has only made me feel like garbage, because he wanted to know what was going on.  It was a great conversation, despite both of us being super drunk.  Having that conversation caused me to want to do some snooping on my ex.  My drunken logic was if she could treat me poorly and find love, then there is hope for me too, although it’s taking a hella long time for someone to come around.

    The next day, Tatiana came home with me for spring break.  She only spent Friday night at my house before flying back home to California.  We went out to eat dinner because she’s vegetarian and I didn’t tell my mom, so my mom was ill prepared to feed her.  My old job has very good black bean burgers, so we went there.  I hadn’t been there in about eight months or so.  The last time I worked there, only two people from the “original squad” were still working there, so I didn’t think I would see anyone I knew.  Well, I was mistaken because the first person I saw when my friend and I strolled in was my ex. She was taking orders at the register.

  • Speaking My Mind,  unzipped lips

    Throwing Drunken Tantrums in the City Streets

    Every Friday night, I vow I will not hook up with him.

    I don’t want to hook up with him.  I never cum.  Because I don’t let him touch me. Because he doesn’t make me feel safe because he’s aggressive in a nonconsensual way.  I also don’t want to enjoy it.  Because then I will begin to actually like him.  And I can’t like him because he doesn’t like me.  And he’s too similar to my ex anyway.

    Regardless, once the weekend rolls around and I’ve had enough drinks, I am all over him.  And then I wake up naked and alone, feeling stupid.

  • Poetry,  Speaking My Mind

    parasite

    i relinquished my power to you and my better judgement at my expense because your so-called love and cheap affection caused my heart to pound against the bones in my chest and you felt my heart jumping when you caressed my breast but you chalked it up to being in the moment although my feelings for you ran and still run much deeper and i ignored the warning signs and continued running as the descent got steeper and it all caught up to me when i tripped and fell and tumbled to my doom maybe we just met too soon otherwise you may have been feeling the same way too…but you don’t. you never did. why did i think that you did? did you change your mind? it feels like you have just been manipulating me all this time…and it’s not okay.  it’s not okay how you kept asking when i said “no” because i wasn’t going to change my mind at least not that night and it’s not okay how you reduced me to my body and it’s not okay for stringing me along leading me on convincing me that we’re something we’re not when you knew all along and you watched me comprised my wants and needs for this bullshit “friendship” like hell we were never friends and i’m still…unsure if i can keep trying to tie these loose ends don’t you see that you’re only hurting me why do i keep doing what you want you’re not the boss of me i want my fucking agency back because i’m tired of feeling mad and sad and anxious and scared this shouldn’t feel so hard and it shouldn’t hurt so much to cut you out you’re a parasite so get out of my sight get out get out get out

    © 2016 Vic Romero