• Speaking My Mind

    Swallowed by the Grey

    Everything has felt so miserable.  I haven’t done anything fun because of school, which I’m not doing too well in anyway…my bestie didn’t come to visit me for Halloweekend this year and I’ve been spending most of my weekends wallowing in my room.  I can’t wait for this semester to end and to graduate, but when that happens, I’ll be going back home and I won’t be seeing my girlfriend nearly as frequently.  Our relationship will change because we’ll be in two different places, both physically and emotionally.  We only live about an hour away from each other but if I’m working full-time (at this rate, I won’t be because I stopped applying for jobs) and she’ll be at school full-time…we’ll have different, busy schedules.  I don’t think it’ll negatively impact our relationship but I’ll just miss seeing her every day and I’ll miss spending as much time together.  I also won’t be seeing my sister as much…I’ll miss being at school with her.

    My birthday is tomorrow and my sister and I may not have a voice due to laryngitis caused by allergies.  Dinner with our parents will be incredibly silent.  This happened to me last February for the first time since elementary school, and I was hoping it wouldn’t happen again but alas, it appears it will.

    I’m quite sad that tomorrow is my birthday…I am not where I want to be.  Then again, I’m never satisfied with where I’m at.  Why is that?  What will it take for me to be happy, even if I’m not “the best?”  Why make myself miserable?  How can I change the way I value my life so that I’m positive and kinder to myself?  Perhaps value societal expectations of me less?  Perhaps value academic excellence less?  Perhaps value the way I feel about myself more? How do I go about valuing myself more?

    Anyway…I went to the city on Saturday to combat all this negativity.  I went with my girlfriend because we had been talking about wanting to go for forever but for one reason or another, we haven’t been together yet.  It was pretty spontaneous because we kept going back and forth with it but then we both got train tickets and hopped on the train and we were off!

  • Speaking My Mind

    Staying Gold

    The last couple weeks of the semester has caused me to feel glum due to stress over my academics as well as my social life. To sum it up: I am in the middle. The in-between. The grey area.

    Every aspect of my life seems to fit that description. My sexuality and race/ethnicity, as noted in this post, my affiliated religion (I don’t identify as anything, I just don’t think about it), my majors (WGS and Economics)..I can’t seem to ever fall into one, absolute category. Perhaps it’s because I’m going and I’m still discovering myself and the world or perhaps it’s a false pretense that people can ever fall into one category. Regardless, this thought also applies to my friends.

    I don’t have a clique or group of friends. Every time I think I do, I get proven wrong. It’s exhausting, hurtful, and lonely. I was complaining to my good friend, Steph, about it and she told me it was okay to be an outsider in the sense I don’t belong anywhere, I just have random friends here and there. She said I have years to figure out the friends I want to be making and who stays in my life too. She’s right but..I think the nature of college is extremely lonely without a group. Without a group, you tend to get left out and excluded. At least that’s been my experience. If I commuted, for example, I probably wouldn’t care at all about lacking a social circle.

    Anyway..I’m writing because despite how much I feel like an outsider, a misfit, a loner, or whatever it may be, I’ve done some pretty badass things. Perhaps I wouldn’t have done them if I didn’t feel so alone.

  • Speaking My Mind

    I’ve Got Sunshine On A Cloudy Day

    Seventeen magazine had said that in January I would be flirting with two hotties (which I was: my manager who I started talking to two days before I saw my horoscope, and my former best friend who I’ve been reconnecting with for awhile and is straight) and that one of them is compatible with me. On the 26th I was supposed to know which person is for me.

    I don’t believe in horoscopes. I like to read them though because I think it’s cool when they are somewhat relevant to my life, and I wonder how many other Scorpios (that’s my horoscope) relate to the horoscope, which in turn means that they relate to me. It’s a connection of astrology. I find it neat.

    Regardless of my fascination with horoscopes, I have never believed in them nor have I ever deemed horoscopes to be correct. Except for the one that I stated above. Then again, my horoscope was actually not correct because I had known she was the one that was most compatible with me after a few days of talking, regardless of my questioning our compatibility when I found out that she smokes pot. Pot irks me.

    Anyway, today is the 27th and I forgot that the 26th, the official day that I was supposed to know if she was the person for me, has passed.

    Did anything happen yesterday that reaffirmed that she was the person for me?

    ….no. I spent most of yesterday not talking to her because I was studying or…”studying”. I did text her later last night during the Grammy’s though. I confessed to her that I had died inside (in a good way) that one time that she had gotten mad at work and almost whacked me with the door because she had grabbed my waist…she was all: omg Victoria you just melted my heart I didn’t think I could make anyone feel that way…

    Other than that, there was nothing that happened on the 26th that screamed “VICTORIA YOU ARE MEANT TO BE WITH THIS GIRL!!!”

    However, there have been other times, before the magical 26th and after that has caused me to like her even more than I did when I was just admiring her from afar a few months ago.

    We have a lot in common, my girl and I. We have little things in common, like favorite ice cream flavor, favorite music, etc. But we also have similar values, such as honesty, family, work ethics.

    We have a lot of differences too. She loves wrestling and football (specifically the Patriots) and I don’t watch sports (except for tennis sometimes). She enjoys romance movies, I prefer comedies. There are others too, but I didn’t want to make a list about her here. I want to talk about…Thursday.

  • Speaking My Mind

    Brooklyn Blog 3 and 4

    Saturday we hung around Brooklyn then headed to the financial district to go to this cool pub, Sir Fraunces Tavern, for lunch. Here are a few lousy pictures of it. It was really classy.

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    Then we went to Century 21 because everyone in the Financial District was carrying bags and bags from that store. So we go inside and it is a zoo. Hundreds of people bustling with those little wagon carts, full of clothes and such. Not only is this store busy, but it’s a maze. There were tons of stairs and no exits…it was a fire hazard. I actually felt nervous in there.

    Later we ate at a Mexican restaurant run by white, hipsters. The Mexicans were in the back cooking. I’m not even kidding. There was something off about that place.

    I’m tired of fake Mexican restaurants, like Chipotle and crap. I like the authentic cuisine and atmosphere of a good Mexican restaurant. Although the food was excellent at the hipster-run place, the music and atmosphere was like…modern-chic…between the decorations and music. They were playing Amy Winehouse (who I love but it was weird while I was eating enchiladas).

    The design of the restaurant was cool though. It’s a tiny restaurant and we ate on the top floor, which had an entirely glass wall. There wasn’t much to see other than cars but it was cool. And the food was good. The hipsters were nice enough. One waiter kicked out the hipster girl customers because they were taking a long time to finish paying and we were supposed to take their table. It was funny because the hipster girl got mad and then stormed off with her hipster friend and then the hipster waiter was like: you’re table will be ready in a moment.

    I thought it was funny.

    Anyway…so we headed back to the apartment and as my mom was unlocking the door of the building, the Indian man that owns the restaurant at the bottom and owns the other room in the apartment opens the door and after brief introductions, offers us food.

    I had been wanting to eat at the Indian place for forever but no one else in my family likes Indian cuisine and we were often in Manhattan when we ate.

    Anywho, though we had all just eaten dinner but he insisted, since it was our last night in Brooklyn. So about an hour later he came all the way to the top floor to give us bags of Indian food. Way more than I had expected. We took most of it back home with us. He was really sweet.

    Then Sunday we packed up and went to visit a college. That sucked. The school was fantastic, I already applied there. But I am just soooo tired of college visits. I’m going to make a guide eventually on college visit stuff. I’ve been to…too many.

    I’m going to go to sleep. I have school tomorrow ugh 🙁

    Goodnight, WordPress

  • Speaking My Mind

    Brooklyn Blog 2

    My dad is crashing our Girls’ Weekend in Brooklyn today. Our Girl’s Weekend wasn’t really a weekend though…more like a day.

    Anyway, yesterday was really nice. I blew almost half of my birthday cash on my fourth pair of Docs, a sweater, and a Rocky Horror Picture Show tshirt. I kinda hate that I spent so much money on two tops and shoes but I absolutely love Docs, I wear them all the time, and I had wanted this certain pair for forever. Also, I needed a new sweater. The Rocky shirt was just a bonus.

    I had a huge breakfast yesterday and skipped lunch (stopped for some peppermint hot chocolate though), so by the time dinner rolled around I was blind with hunger. I’m pretty sure that’s a saying.

    We had some pizza at this trendy, gourmet Italian pizza place. Our waiter was a tall glass of water (basically he was attractive), had a thick accent, and had trouble understanding what we were saying at times. He was sweet. The atmosphere was really nice too. Here’s a really dark picture of it.

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    I think it looks romantic and sexy. It was really nice. They played like reggae and jazz and just…chill music.

    Anyway, the pizza was fabulous (although overpriced. The personal pie that I had, albeit large, was $19). The dough was thin but chewy, and the crust was thick and fluffy. It was some serious food science. I have never eaten a pizza like it before. I wish I had taken a picture of it.

    Later, my sister and I watched a movie called ” Struck By Lightning”. It wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t a comedy. Netflix said it was a comedy. Huge disappointment.

    My dad should be here in a few minutes…actually he’s here now.

    Later, WordPress

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