• Speaking My Mind

    Releasing the Bumper

    Hello, blog friends! I know it’s been too long since I’ve last written.

    I didn’t intend to take so much time off from writing. I’ve had the time to write, but I kept postponing sitting down and working on a piece. Before I knew it, weeks had slipped by and I had barely written a single word.

    The reason I continued to postpone this valuable “me time” activity is primarily because I’ve been avoiding introspection. I haven’t been ready to make changes in my life, thus, I’ve avoided reflecting on my life altogether.

    Over the last week, however, I’ve been suffering through the negative impact an absence of writing has on me. This manifests as excessively distracting myself with TV and irrational thinking. An example of that thinking is entertaining thoughts of getting back together with my ex.

    While I love my ex, I know we can’t get back together. My poem, Flowers, helps remind me why I ended things and why I want things to remain “over.” Although I don’t want to be with her, I haven’t been ready to let her go. Thus, we’ve been maintaining a strained friendship, which until recently, has been overall pleasant and has benefited both of us. Now, it’s not serving either of us well.

    It’s unsurprising that we can’t be friends because we haven’t taken sufficient time apart to be friends and we are still in love with each other. While I know this information, I find it to be incredibly difficult to do what is beneficial for the both of us, which is taking a lot of time away from each other.

    I talked to my cousin about my predicament, and she responded with an insightful metaphor.

    “It’s like you’re hanging onto the back of a car’s bumper, and your ex is driving. You can either let go now, which will hurt, but then it’ll be over. Or you can hold on for awhile and be dragged along, and let go later. Both options hurt, but one hurts less.” -my cousin, a writer

    Ugh writers. They understand life.

    I’ve definitely been holding on for a long time because I fear losing her. But creating space doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re never going to be able to be friends again. It also doesn’t guarantee that we will reconnect in the future.

    There is a lot of uncertainty that comes with space that frightens me. Uncertainty in general frightens me, especially since my cousin passed away. Accepting uncertainty is something I’m just always going to have to work on. Writing and meditation helps tremendously, I simply need to practice them.

    Other than this challenge, I’ve been enjoying my summer. Since the last time I’ve written, I partook in a wonderful yoga workshop, I’ve gone to the beach, attended an all-day concert, watched fireworks with my friends, and spent quality time with my sister. I’ve been enjoying the summer’s nice weather as much as I can before autumn’s briskness takes over.

    How was your July? What are you looking forward to in August?

    xx Vic

  • Poetry

    Journey To Acceptance

    I look away, but the expression on your face

    Is imprinted in my mind.

    Eyebrows pulled together,

    A stare that would set fire to the toughest of feathers

    I’m being critically analyzed.

     

    Shrinking away,

    I retreat into the depths of my brain

    To a place where I haven’t been in awhile…

     

    I feel your voice try to lure me back,

    But your soft tone only forces me forward,

    Onto the train tracks.

    I walk along them, refusing to look behind

    It’s quieter here in my mind

     

    No strange looks and no judgement

    I follow the tracks to the summit

    Peering down from the top,

    The water crashes on the rocks

    My heart is eager and my stomach drops

     

    I plunge in

    My body hits the water,

    Burning as if it had fallen onto cement

    The air in my lungs whooshes out

    I gasp desperately, completely spent

    Sinking lower and lower,

    The water gets colder

    And my body feels compressed into itself

     

    I open my eyes,

    Wanting to see one last thing before I die

    And to my surprise

    Mermaids thrive at the bottom

    Swimming quickly, as if in full throttle

    Many harmonize together,

    Carefully braiding each others’ hair

    Staring at me as I sink deeper into the depths of me

     

    I blink at them, unsure of what to think

    Then I remember that I’m drowning,

    Without air, I cannot think

    Cannot be.

    Why was I trying to escape me?

     

    I kick my feet and pull myself through the water

    The mermaids continue to swim and sing at the bottom

    Just as I think my lungs are going to give up

    I break the surface and see the sun

     

    Dragging my body across the sand

    I refuse to take a break, determined to get back to the real land

    I stand, staggering toward the horizon

    Along the way, I pass bison

    Feasting on grass

    I hop onto one, and with a slap

    It hurtles forward, toward the train tracks

     

    It then dumps me off, because it’s eager to get back to its pack

    I sigh, glad that I made it back alive

    Wading through the crevices of my mind

    I reemerge on the other side…

     

    Your hazel eyes are continuing to pry

    Searching for answers,

    Judging me for not telling an honest lie.

     

    I confront your stare,

    Aware of what awful things you’re thinking of me, but I no longer care

    I am who I am,

    That I can guarantee…

    But who are you to judge me?

     

    © Copyrights 2013/14 VicRomero

     

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